It's Funny Now

You know how when something comically awful happens it's hard to laugh about it at the time? Well, just recently I realized that a really bad day in our family's history has become hilarious. At least, to me. I'm not so sure that my kids feel that way yet.

It started with a day off work and a long To Do List. The kitchen was practically bare and we also had to hit the library, bank and car wash some where along the way. My kids are never ones to rebel against Murphy's Law so of course the morning started with bickering, antagonizing and a few tears with breakfast.

When we finally got to the car, I remembered that all the booster seats were in the cargo space since I had driven the lunch group from work the day before. I had to separate all three kids and sit them on the curb facing opposite directions while I reinstalled the seats. Once in the car I put a ban on all unnecessary talking to help restore my sanity and we made quick work of the library, bank and car wash.

It was close to lunch time so I decided to head to Wal-Mart and take advantage of the McDonald's at the entrance. (I don't like Wal-Mart very much but sometimes it just can't be beat.) This is where things truly fell apart.

We all had our food and I was just beginning to think good thoughts about my children again when Solomon screamed. I looked over and saw blood in his mouth. He had had a pretty loose tooth for a while and as happens with loose teeth, it had gotten in the way of chewing his cheeseburger. I tried to calm him down but when he saw the blood, there was no calming down. I started to worry that he was going to choke on the food in his mouth so I made him spit it out.

By this time, everyone in the place was staring at our table. I can't really blame them. A screaming kid is stare-worthy. But blood, partially chewed food and lunch time do not go well together. I left Samuel and Miriam at the table and took Solomon to a garbage can in a somewhat secluded corner where he could tend to his mouth. After much rinsing of his mouth, wiping of his face and deep breathing, he returned to the table and asked me where his tooth was.

Crap. I hadn't seen the tooth since the whole ordeal began. I asked him to open wide and confirmed that the tooth was, indeed, not still attached. More crying ensued. I looked in a wadded mess of napkins on the table and didn't see the tooth. The crying continued. I actually went to look in the garbage can. Fortunately, it had been recently emptied and the contents were mostly my own child's napkins. I still couldn't find the tooth. Samuel took this opportunity to mention that the Tooth Fairy can't give you money if your tooth is in the trash. The crying escalated to wailing. I slathered myself with hand sanitizer.

In the midst of this, Miriam had started begging for a bathroom because she needed to poop. Since we weren't going to get any more eating done, I packed up what was left of our lunch and we headed to the restroom. Solomon managed to pull himself together and began coming up with ideas to get the Tooth Fairy to visit him anyway.

After everyone had tended to their restroom needs (and I had scrubbed my hands furiously) we got a shopping cart and made for the produce section of the grocery store. I was busily choosing apples, carrots and cucumbers when Miriam said, "Eeewww, what's this?" She held up her hand and I saw a weird peanut butter-looking substance smeared on her fingers.

Where in the world did peanut butter come from? I checked the cart to see if a previous customer had made a mess of it. No peanut butter. I looked around the fruit bins and still didn't see any peanut butter. I smelled Miriam's hand. It most definitely was not peanut butter. Miriam turned around and I saw the non-peanut butter substance all over the back of her jeans.

Crap. For real this time. One good thing about Wal-Mart is that they have those great paper towel dispensers mounted on posts throughout the store. I ripped off a few towels and wiped Miriam's hand as well as I could. Then I used my trusty hand sanitizer for the second time in 15 minutes.

Another good thing about Wal-Mart is that you can be in the produce section and step across the aisle to find little girl shorts for $3. You'd think that with poo all over the back of her pants, Miriam would not be picky about the color of $3 shorts. But, no. She weighed the merits of purple, blue and pink before finally deciding on pink. I paid for the shorts and we went back to the restroom so Miriam could change.

I considered packing it in and going home but we would have been going home to a house with no food. So I sucked it up, crossed my fingers and headed back to the groceries. Fortunately the rest of the day passed without more trouble. But really, what could top blood, a truly lost tooth and poop from a public bathroom?