New Me vs. Old Me

I was Old Me 5 years ago. Old Me was weak and powerless and pitiful and sad and humiliated. Old Me let other people call all the shots, from the little things to the big things. Old Me rarely had opinions and if she did she never, ever spoke them. Old Me lived to make other people happy, even at her own expense. Old Me would have raised children just like herself. And she didn't have the energy to care. Old Me died when I filed for divorce and I have danced on her grave many times since then.

In her place is New Me. New Me says what she thinks even if it makes her want to puke on the spot. (And it often does.) New Me does things like shave off all her hair and grin at the world afterward. New Me rides on the back of a motorcycle (and wants to get one for herself) and drinks wine until she's dizzy. New Me cooks Indian food and eats sushi. New Me loves music from Johnny Cash to Amos Lee to Steely Dan to Depeche Mode to Muse to Maná and back again. New Me isn't afraid to talk to her children about why she divorced their dad, about sex, about the good and the bad things in the world, about standing up for themselves, about telling the truth and about what's right and wrong. New Me goes back to school (for the third time) and has dreams of becoming a lactation consultant or a nurse practitioner or a coroner or a nursing clinical instructor.

I'm embarrassed by Old Me. I don't like to think about her. But New Me wouldn't be here and wouldn't appreciate life as much without having been Old Me to begin with. In that regard, I'm appreciative.

In one significant way I've remained Old Me for the last 5 years. That's when I have to deal with the ex-husband. Every once in a while something comes up and I revert to the old habits -- being overly meek and not being listened to. Every time that happens I get angry with myself for letting it happen. Letting things happen is passive and powerless and it means that I'm not making things happen. It's a weak, pathetic attitude and I hate it.  There have been times when I've put the kids at risk by letting things happen.  Shame on me.

No More.  This week I learned that the ex-husband crammed all 5 of his children into the backseat of a tiny car last weekend because the bigger car with appropriate seating wasn't working.  He and I have had this argument for the better part of 10 years.  He thinks it's okay to occasionally drive around with improperly restrained children if "It's only around the block," or "It's too much trouble to put in a car seat," or "We're going to be late for church if we make two trips."  This week I decided that I have had enough.  When I found this out I told him that if he does not have appropriately safe transportation for these children they will not see him for spring break in two weeks.  He made excuses.  He played the poor-me-you-think-I'm-a-bad-person card.  He tried to make me feel bad.  But I refuse to take the bait.  That's what not letting means.  It means I keep control of myself and my emotions and I stand my ground.  It means that I have power.  And it's part of New Me.

Ya Gonna Get Hitched?

No.  No, we are not getting married.

Truthfully no one has asked me that, in those exact words, but lots of people, including my own children, have asked if Paul and I are going to get married.  I suppose that is a natural question when two people of our ages have been consistently and happily seeing each other for more than a year.  But we're still not getting married.  And we're both very content with that.

Here's why we're I'm happy with that (Actually, we're both happy with that, truly. But I don't want to make a habit out of speaking for Paul. He's capable of speaking for himself but he's not writing on this blog. Anyway, we've talked about this and we agree, so there you have it.) :

1. I had a pretty terrible marriage and Paul's was way worse than mine.  Seriously, it was badbadbadbadbad.  Bad. And those are just the parts he's told me about.  I know that doesn't mean a second would be so horrible for either of us but who wants to test it?  Really.
2. I rather enjoy caring for my children alone.  And by that I mean, I don't really enjoy it (because really, who enjoys being 99.5% responsible for the care and well-being of 3 human beings alone?), at least not 100% of the time. But I do mean that adding someone else and his child to this equation certainly aren't going to make it any easier to solve.  Paul and Cole are both great guys but this household has all it can handle right now.
3. I much prefer being able to do my own thing when I want to -- or at least when the child situation allows for it -- rather than having to constantly consider someone else's wishes when deciding what to do with myself. If I want to veg on the couch in my PJs and eat popcorn and watch crap TV all day or play TheSims I don't want to feel like I'm infringing on someone else's desire and/or need to go on a motorcycle ride or run errands or do laundry all day.
4. My kids have enough crap to deal with when transitioning from Albuquerque to here and back without adding more relationships to our home.  There are already too many people to deal with in Albuquerque.  They don't see it that way because they are 10, 9 and 7 but it takes a toll on them whether they realize it or not.  I'm not willing to add more stress and confusion and anxiety to their lives (and mine) by adding more people to it.
5. I much prefer simplicity, when possible, to complexity.

People say things like: 

But you need someone!!!

Why? For what?  I have someone who loves me, laughs with me, commiserates with me, does nice things for me.  We drink wine together, we have a great time, we have fabulous conversations.  We don't need to live together or be married to do these things.


You have to think about yourself! (This is usually in response to Number 4 above.)
I am thinking about myself.  I don't want to deal with the baggage that 2 step- & half-families bring with them.  These children have enough to deal with and so do I. The people telling me to think about myself are not the people sitting with my children, rubbing their backs and handing them tissues as they cry about missing the babies and the dad and the step-mom in Albuquerque.  Their hearts don't hurt like that.

You shouldn't be alone!
I'm not. Believe me. I'm not alone by a long shot. Right now I have 3 people running around me, requiring food and beverage and showers and entertainment and discipline and teaching and encouragement and affection and attention and all the other myriad things human beings require. I'm happy to give it to them. It's easier to give them what they require when I'm not also giving it to others. They deserve that and so do I.

But, but, but ... what if ... ?

What if what? What if Paul leaves me? What if he decides he's done with me? What if ... ? You know what? Someone already decided he was done with me. Being married to me didn't change that he wanted other people. And I left him. The marriage certificate didn't keep me there. Being married another time wouldn't change any of that. There are second divorces just like there are second marriages. "Two Divorces" sounds a lot worse than "Another Break-Up."  And it's a lot more expensive, too.  I'd rather not be "Twice-Divorced Chick."

I'm not closing the door on marriage forever.  I've lived through enough to know better than to say "Never" to almost anything.  However, I am saying "No" to marriage for a long time.  At this time, and for a long time, it's not for me.  And you know what?  I'm extremely grateful to have found a man who agrees with me.  He's a good one -- maybe even a keeper. / tongue-in-cheek