The Business of Half Siblings

This is so much harder than I thought it would be. I never wanted to care this much about anything the ex-husband did, so long as he didn't mistreat our children or expect me to make nice to the mistress. When the mistress went away, half of my worries went away. But then he started dating the new wife and he married her and I had a whole bunch of new worries.

It was weird to find out that they were expecting. It was weirder when she started to show. The most surreal moment was when I saw a picture from her 3D ultrasound and the baby's nose looked exactly like Solomon's. Until then, I could push it to the back of my mind because the baby was still a formless, genderless being hidden away in her belly.

I was texting with my ex-sister-in-law (whom I still like) two nights ago about Solomon's birthday. The next morning I got another text message from her that said the ex-husband and the new wife had gone to the hospital because her water broke. All day I kept waiting for the text message that said the baby had been born and was, therefore 'real' in my mind. 'Real' in the sense that it now had a name and an identity, like my own children. The last I knew when I went to bed was that she was getting an epidural and not progressing past 3 cm.

When I woke up today I had a message that read "It's a boy, born at 12:30 am. He weighs 8 lbs, 2 oz and he's 20.5 inches long." It doesn't get much more real than that. Or so I thought. And then I heard the name. He has the same first name as my boys. And his middle name, which is undoubtedly the name they will call him, follows the same pattern that my children's middle names do.

My 3 children, for whom I live and breathe, are included in a naming pattern with this child. Their child. My 3 children are his siblings. They share DNA with him.

I've been trying to figure out why this bothers me and I think I have it: I don't want to care what the ex-husband does but he's made it so that I have to. He's had a child that will directly impact my children's lives.

The easier bit to figure out is equality. What I mean is that the new wife professed to love my children like they were her own. And I can believe she did. But that changed in the moment that she had her biological child because now she does have her own. Call me a cynic, but I find it impossible to believe that she'll love and treat all 4 of these children equally. I just do.

It's easier to believe that the ex-husband will love his 4 children equally. I can put myself into an imaginary situation in which I have an imaginary child with an imaginary partner and I can imagine that I love that child just as I love the 3 I already have. I can imagine that. The problem on the ex-husband's side is that my 3 children will see things differently. After all, this child has both of his parents together all the time. This child won't be traveling 400 miles to see his father during school breaks.

My children, at this point, are happy about the new baby. They are excited to go spend the summer there and play with him. Because they are happy, I am happy for them. Babies are cute and sweet and exciting. No matter my feelings on the subject, he is their half-brother and I don't expect them to ignore that relationship. But I dread the day they realize this may not be all it's cracked up to be.

Finally, I am grateful that this child missed being born on my brother's birthday, even if it was only by 30 minutes. I am more grateful still that this child wasn't born on my child's birthday, which is tomorrow. But that doesn't keep me from wishing he was born in another month, or even a different season.

A Moral Dilemma

Solomon and I had a brief conversation about war, soldiers and death the other day. I don't remember all the details of it. We have a lot of conversations like this; it's the way my boys are.

But Solomon asked something that he's never asked before, something I've never heard a child his age ask. He said, "What makes us the good guys? If American soldiers go into another country and kill people, aren't they bad guys then?"

Today ...

I slept until 11:30, made up for sleeping 4 hours in the previous 36.

I finished watching Season 2 of Big Love.

I ran barefoot through a massive thunderstorm, soaking my clothes, my shopping bags and what little hair I have.

I unpacked $30 worth of fresh produce in my kitchen while listening to A Prairie Home Companion.

I discovered the combined poetic tastes of a bottle riesling, a carton of fresh raspberries and a wedge of gouda.

I bought a cast iron stove top grill. I can't wait to cook a thick, medium rare steak on it.

I heard a song I haven't listened to or even thought about in almost 3 years. It brought back a lot of memories.

Today ... Today was a good day.

Sunflower Market

There is a Sunflower Market within walking distance of my apartment. I've taken forever to get there but I finally went two weeks ago and I went again today. I freaking love that place.

I was kind of surprised at its size; it's very small compared with other major grocery stores. But I quickly realized why. They sell ingredients for making meals from scratch, not pre-packaged, processed meals. Sure, there are some packaged foods available but there are very few of them. About 2/3 of the store is fresh produce. The selection is great and the prices really are silly, like they advertise.

A lot of things there are more expensive than they'd be at a larger grocery store. I probably won't ever buy very much of the meat or dairy products but it would be fine in a pinch.

I'm excited about this because it's encouraging me to serve more fresh fruits and vegetables and less of the unhealthy stuff. Obviously, we could really benefit from that. I'll also be looking for new recipes to use produce I've never really bought, like eggplants and butternut squash.

Another thing that really impresses me is their attitude toward reducing waste. Unlike the other grocery stores I've usually frequented, reusable grocery bags are encouraged instead of treated as an inconvenience. You get a $0.10 credit for every reusable bag you bring in. And when the register prints out the receipt it prints on both sides! So simple but just not done any where else.

The best part: the dairy section has little baskets full of cheese bits left over from the slicing and packaging of larger blocks of cheese. You can buy a couple of ounces to try so you don't spend $10 to find out if you like dill havarti. I happen to know now that I love, love, love dill havarti and I only spent $1.75 to find that out.

Yay for Sunflower Market!

Mother's Day

I can't believe I forgot to post this. It's the text of the fill-in-the-blank card Samuel made for me at school.

My Mother

My mother is very kind .
She is 20 feet tall.
She weights 565 pounds.
Her hair is blond bald .
Her eyes are bule .
She likes to play with me best of all.
She does not like wen I be mean .
I like when she says " I love you ."
I love her because she sum times plays with me .

Egg on My Face

Last night I put at load of jeans into the washing machine. Just as I closed the lid, Miriam said, "Wait! My chapstick is still in my pocket!" I dug through the soaking wet jeans and found the pair she described. Sure enough, her chapstick was in the pocket. Fortunately, no water had leaked into it.

I then proceeded to lecture her on responsibility and always checking her pockets when she gets undressed. I explained how things can be ruined in the laundry and how the laundry can be ruined by things left in.

This morning, Miriam went to find her favorite jeans in the dryer and guess what she found? My chapstick.

It's Not a Stomach Virus

It's pure, unadulterated evil, that's what it is. Unfortunately, no one makes pills to cure that yet.

We went to the doctor last week because Solomon's puking still wouldn't stop. They did a strep test and urinalysis that were both negative. We sent off stool samples and tested for several things. All negative. He has a lot of symptoms of a lot of things, but they don't all add up to one thing or another. This is so frustrating.

We cut out dairy for the last week and he went to the school nurse with a stomachache today. He proceeded to vomit, a lot. I picked him and we spent the afternoon watching cartoons. He's fine now.

We're using Zofran to control the nausea and vomiting but that's not a feasible long-term solution. I don't know what we'll do now.

I Have No Words

Because it's okay to slap your wife, but only if she spends too much money.

McDonald's vs. Whataburger

So the 1 Adult, 5 Children started to go a little nuts today. It's chilly and cloudy and threatening rain. The backyard is muddy from last night's rain. I thought the next best thing would be a trip to McDonald's for lunch and playing. Notice, I said thought. Past tense.

We got off to a good start. The cashier took our order just fine, repeated it back to me and everything was right. That's no small feat considering that there are 6 of us and a couple of the small people changed their minds and no one wanted the same toppings on their cheeseburgers. We moved on to fill our cups while our food was prepared. No one spilled anything. Yeah for small victories.

Then we chose a table. That's when things went a little haywire. We opened the cheeseburgers and Solomon said, "Hey, mine is supposed to be ketchup only." It was clearly covered in onions. And not the big, round slices that are easily picked off; no, these were teeny tiny, minced onion pieces.

So I took it back and apologetically asked for another one. When I got back to the table, it not only had onions on it, but also pickles and mustard. :sigh: Back to the counter again. I smiled, unapologetically this time, and said, "This still isn't ketchup only." That time, I checked the burger before going back to the table and it was just ketchup. Baby steps, right? Solomon took one bite and said, "This tastes like it's only grease. Did they throw it in the french fry cooker?" We blotted the grease off of it with napkins. Three napkins. Gross.

A few minutes later, Solomon said, "When I get older and I start thinking about where I want to work, I'm going to remember this and not work at McDonald's. I'm going to work at Whataburger instead."

P.S. This McDonald's also has the worst public wifi ever. Seriously, ever. Also, half of these children with me are too old for this. They are bored.

1 Adult, 5 Children

A summary of our weekend:

Meals prepared: 7
Snacks served: 5
Time outs enforced: 8
15 minute increments of audio/visual entertainment removed: 3
Crying fits: 7
Reminders to use the restroom: 43? (I really don't know.)
Walks taken: 1
Walks missed due to rain/headache/cold: 2
Playgrounds visited: 2
Children caught playing on the forbidden treadmill: 3
Birds' nests built: 1
Sword fights refereed banished: 5
Loads of laundry done: 4
Teeth brushed: it's a never-ending job
Hands washed: no one knows
Dandelions picked lovingly: 7
Full-on belly laughs: innumerable
Hugs: too many to count

And you know what? All the crying fits, time outs, sword fighting and treadmill discovery were worth the last three.

Righteous Indignation

Samuel is Samuel at home but he's occasionally Sam at school. I'm okay with it, as long as he is, so it's no big deal. At least, I didn't think it was. Until Samuel came home and said, "My friend Samantha stole my nickname! And she's a girl!"

Oh, the humanity!

Happy Star Wars Day

It was brought to my attention that today is Star Wars Day. May the fourth be with you.

The boy children loved this, Star Wars junkies that they are. Miriam didn't care. She was more excited that today's date can make a true mathematical equation: 5+4=9.

The Pukes, Pt. 2

One thing I forgot to discuss in the previous post -- stomach viruses this bad and this exhausting will also cause a person to re-evaluate the worst time periods of her life. Up to now, the worst weeks of my life consisted of the week I filed for The Divorce and the week we all had the flu. And I can say, without a doubt that the last month, especially the last 10 days, have trumped both of those.

Here's why: The Divorce sucked. For obvious reasons. But I could see how it would accomplish things in the long run. I knew I was becoming a stronger person and I knew I would be alright in the end. But this -- this serves no purpose. No one is benefiting from this. And maybe I just can't see it because I'm in the thick of it, but my peace of mind is shattered for a very long time. I will dread another stomach virus for as long as I can imagine right now.

This is worse than the flu, too. And here's why: with the flu, I could see signs of steady improvement after a point. Our fevers eventually went down, we stopped coughing every time we talked, our energy levels slowly increased and we stopped requiring Advil and Tylenol around the clock. But with this -- everything will seem fine for 12 hours, even 48 hours and then BAM! More puking. Also, with the flu, as long as we lay still with pillows and cool compresses and cough drops, we could enjoy talking, playing imagination games and watching tv. But with this, everything is a great big ball of awful horrendousness with no breaks and no end in sight.

So this is, officially, the worst week of my life.

The Pukes

You know what the pukes will do to a mother? One or two episodes will make her nervous, make her fear for the other children in the family and maybe a bit for herself. But she can generally deal with this, assuming it is short-lived and limited to one child.

But do you know what a month of on-and-off puking in three children will do to a mother? It will make her lose all hope of ever having a wholly healthy family again. That's what it will do, without a doubt.

It will cause her never to sleep peacefully. It will cause her to question every sideways look from her children, every too-quiet moment, every wince of discomfort and every slightly suspicious cough. She will be reduced to pestering said children with constant inquiries as to the state of their digestive tracts. She will launch into lengthy diatribes about the nominal differences among nausea, stomach rumbling, stabbing pains, dull aches, the need for a bowel movement and simple hunger pangs.

The mother dealing with a month of on-and-off puking will stock up on baking soda and white vinegar, a pallet at a time, terrified that she may be stuck at home with vomiting children and no means of sanitizing or deodorizing her home. Her pantry will forever be packed with 7-Up, Jell-o, Gatorade, chicken bouillon and saltines. She'll also never be short on the components of the infamous BRAT diet, plus carrots.

This mother will develop a sophisticated means of doing laundry, involving pre-soaking, soaking with the aforementioned baking soda and white vinegar, long, hot washing with detergent and twice rinsing. She will cease folding towels and wash cloths, opting instead to leave them placed strategically around the home. This enables her to grab one at a moment's notice, thereby catching vomit before it hits the carpet.

She will begin hanging trash bags off the doorknobs so that plastic garbage cans can also be placed thoughtfully throughout the home. If there are not sufficient garbage cans to assuage her anxiety, she will pull out massive plastic bowls to fill in the other spots. All vomit receptacles will be sprinkled liberally with her baking soda. This serves two purposes: odor absorption and splatter prevention.

This overwrought mother will even begin to question her sanity. As much as she dearly loves these puking children, she will have fleeting glimpses of a road not taken: a road without children, a road without children who puke for a month. She will begin to dream about the coming summer -- heretofore dreaded because the fruit of her womb is expected to spend the entirety 350 miles away -- with an anticipation she has never known until now.

This poor mother will develop stress headaches that no amount of Advil and caffeine can banish. She will move about as if in a dream, wanting to cry and not crying because her children already feel awful enough. They shouldn't see their mother cry like this. Also, crying is not known to do anything helpful for headaches or vomiting.

That's what The Pukes will do to a mother. In case you were wondering.

Dentist Update

Miriam did very well! I am so relieved. She took the valium, had nitrous oxide and didn't even notice when they injected her gums with anesthetic. Wahoo! It took quite a while to do the work that she needed but she didn't complain. I was worried that she would be in pain tonight after the anesthesia wore off, but she hasn't said anything about it. I am so proud of her! We still have to go back in a couple of weeks for one more, much smaller cavity. But we're done with the majority of her work.

Samuel had x-rays and cleaning done. He has no cavities! We got to see his x-rays and they show his adult teeth ready to come in during the next several months. He's anxious to have his first loose tooth but it could still be a while; he didn't get his first teeth until about 9 months old so he's a little late in that area.

Solomon also had x-rays and cleaning. He has one small cavity and needs his molars sealed so we'll do that next week. The dentist said we need to see an orthodontist for an evaluation. Solomon's upper bicuspids are coming in a bit high and are not aligned with his other teeth. He also has some flaring out of his molars on the top. I really hope we don't have to do braces but that remains to be seen.

All in all, it was a good trip. Any dentist visit that doesn't include crying and hyperventilating is a good one, in my book!

Tough Times

We've had a run of tough days lately. I can see the proverbial light at the end of the proverbial tunnel but what I really want is for this last week to be proverbial instead of actual.

It started last weekend with a stomach virus that hit us for the second time in 3 weeks. And it just would not go away. I haven't slept well in over a week because I've expected to be woken by ominous coughing and gagging. It's hard to relax.

Miriam has a large cavity that has to be filled tomorrow. She's nervous. I'm nervous. I'm trying really hard not to show how nervous I am because I know that will only make it worse. I have to wake her tomorrow morning at 4:00 if she's going to eat any breakfast because she can't eat for 4 hours before the procedure. And then I'll be giving her some Valium before we head out the door. I really hate this.

Solomon has been extremely stressed. He's exhibiting some symptoms that worry me. I'm not sure of everything that's going on because he refuses to tell me. We went to the doctor to get some guidance and for now we're just watching him. I just want it to go away.

Summer can't come soon enough. We need a break from school and our whole routine really. Sigh.

What a Thinker!

Samuel has had a recent problem with using potty words too often, in an attempt to make people laugh. He gets pretty gross with it so the other night I told him that from then on, any time he used inappropriate potty words (i.e., other than referring to actually using the bathroom) he would have a time out.

Today, while signing the kids out of the after school program, I heard him all the way across the cafeteria, sing-songing, "Pee-pee, poo-poo, diarrhea!" Gross. After he came back to me with his backpack, I told him he'd have a time out as soon as we got home. His reply? "Mom, instead of that, can I have my time out tonight after I'm in my bed and asleep?"

Remember This?

We had a massive thunderstorm at the end of last summer. It rained for a day and a half straight and we did some serious wading afterward. Here's the link to that post and a picture.

Well, that area looked exactly like that again today, only it was melted snow. I'm not kidding. It snowed from Friday morning until last night. When it does that and the temperature is just above freezing and the following day is 60F, you get a ton of snow run off.

We attempted to play outside for a bit -- no wading, though. It was a bit surreal. We had on snow boots and gloves, but skipped out on the coats, hats and scarves.

Why I Don't Like Today

• Miriam and Samuel started puking last night.
• Miriam and Samuel started having diarrhea this morning.
• I'm not feeling so hot.
• Solomon denies feeling sick but I'm just waiting for that shoe to drop.
• I'm somewhat hungry but limiting our diet today in light of our earlier gastrointestinal distress.
• I'm worried about whether the boys can go to school tomorrow and Miriam can keep her dental appointment.
• The weather was beautiful today -- 60F and sunny -- but we were too sick to go any where.
• We did go outside to play in the snow for a bit and Samuel puked.

Why I Like Today

• I didn't have to go any where in the 7" of snow.
• My house is really, really clean.
• I love my new bedroom.
• I made a fantastic chocolate cake with fabulous icing, all from scratch.
• The fantastic chocolate cake with fabulous icing is delicious.
• We had pizza rolls and baby carrots for dinner -- tasty and easy.
• We watched The Goonies last night and the kids liked it so much, they watched it twice more today.
• I shaved my head again.
• I also cut the boys' hair and Samuel asked for a mohawk. He's very cool and very cute.
• I watched 2 cute movies on TBS -- ones I haven't seen before.
• I'm now watching Bridget Jones: Edge of Reason. I have only seen the first one and I assume this one is as good as the first. Actually, the books are really good, the movies are only decent and only because of Colin Firth; Renee Zellweger is just so-so. In any other movie Renee Zellweger is really annoying with her sourpuss-squinty face. But now I'm rambling, rather than listing reasons why I like today. Moving along ...
• I had really good coffee with half and half this morning. I don't remember the last time I did that. It's been a very long time.
• I have lit lots of wonderful little candles, for no other reason than because I just like them.
• I can feel that wisdom tooth trying to expand a bit more but it's not as painful as it was the last time it tried to expand.
• I am not going to work on Monday; of course, that's because I'm taking Miriam to the dentist but I have a much better gut feeling about this dentist than I did about the last one. I'm big on gut feelings lately.
• I'm about to begin re-watching Arrested Development. I finished the whole series earlier this week and I've been told it's even better the second time, so here I go.
  

I think that's it. As if that weren't enough.