I've never been very big on self-help books or parenting books or anything like that. They're preachy and condescending and annoying. I am the authority on me and I don't need someone with a PhD to tell me how to deal with the stuff in my life. Right?
But then one morning a few weeks ago I had a near-breakdown over not having enough time for breakfast or sleep or homework or to get to school and work on time or to do chores or to relax. Not enough time for anything. I yelled at the kids again and they continued to move at their snail's pace and they continued to walk away from their backpacks and jackets instead of picking them up and putting them on.
I have had this terrible thought over the last few weeks that I haven't been teaching my children responsibility. Rather, I've been teaching them to respond to my yelling and frustration. I'm talking at them until I'm blue in the face and my blood pressure is 162/98 and they're still forgetting that they need to take a snack to school or that they need to wear gloves when it's 19F outside. I'm e-mailing their teachers weekly about homework and missed tests and issues with classmates. I'm not doing them any favors like this.
So right then and there, leaning on the kitchen counter and breathing deeply, I bought "Parenting with Love and Logic" with the Amazon app on my phone. It was one of those moments when I've just had enough. Or too much. I'd had too much and I couldn't take it any more.
When the book arrived I read half of it that same evening. It's so simple, it's brilliant. The premise is that kids are adults in training and if you don't treat them like that, they'll eventually become adults -- 'cause that's biology -- that act like kids -- 'cause that is what you brought them up to be. It's much easier to let kids mess up now than it is to let them loose in the world where messing up means you lose a job or a house or worse.
So I've started stepping back. I've stopped e-mailing the teachers, I've stopped pushing the homework, I've stopped the reminders about snacks, jackets and bed time. That's done.
Instead of harping on weather appropriate clothing, I've told the kids what the weather is supposed to be like and let them dress however they think they'll be most comfortable. If they don't wear snow boots and it snows and they have to walk home in it, they'll likely remember to take their boots next time there is snow in the weather report.
Instead of stressing out over a pre-set bedtime and getting all bent out of shape when it doesn't happen, I've laid out 2 requirements: 1) teeth must be brushed and 2) I don't see or hear any children in this house after 8:30, unless there is an emergency. If they're exhausted at wake up time, they'll probably decide that getting a little more sleep is wise.
Instead of mediating the spats and the bickering I calmly suggest that they go some where else, together or alone, and deal with it however they think is best. They're more likely to learn that hearing each other out, sticking up for themselves, making sincere apologies and having some patience work out problems rather well most of the time.
Instead of nagging the kids about leaving their things lying around, I've instituted the nightly sweep. At 8:00 PM anything that is lying around in the common areas of the house is confiscated and place in the Confiscation Box. On Sundays the sweep occurs at 5:00 PM and includes bedrooms. Things that have been confiscated can be earned back by doing a chore.
Some amazing things have happened since all the Insteads were instituted. The most amazing thing is that the house runs much more smoothly and there is a much lower level of stress for all of us. I'm not so uptight because I've stopped making the kids' problems into my problems. They're less stressed because I'm not hassling them all the time.
It's been slow going, but the kids are definitely stepping up and taking responsibility for a lot more things in their daily lives. The mistakes they have made, while not catastrophic -- let's face it, they're kids -- have been true learning opportunities. They take ownership of them and they work out some way to fix it, the best they can. They're more likely to say to me that they messed up because it's no longer my "job" to preach to them about how they should have done things differently. I listen to them and I ask them how they're going to fix things. That's it.
This is the simplest and best change I've ever made to our home life. I love it.
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