Disturbing Thoughts

When Solomon was a tiny infant I was plagued by ugly thoughts.  I don't know if it was post-partum depression or simply the result of realizing just how helpless a newborn infant is or what.  I just remember sitting on the edge of my bed and staring into his completely helpless face for hours and thinking to myself, "There are people who would harm a tiny child just like this."  It was a terribly depressing and devastating thought.  It kept me awake, and for a mother who's just given birth, is feeding a baby every 45 minutes and isn't sleeping much, that's saying a lot.

In the last year I've had similar thoughts when tucking my children into bed at night.  For the most part, my children are not wanting for anything.  They have food, shelter, clothes that fit, support, respect, affection, a mother and father and extended family that love them more than anything, more toys than they can count.  They are fortunate children, whether they know it or not.  They have a good life.  Sure, there are things they want that they cannot have.  But they are not lacking in anything they need to become successful human beings.

There are times when I tuck them into bed at night -- clean, fed, warm, safe -- that I am overcome with sadness for the children that aren't.  The children that go to bed with a pitifully empty stomach or fearing for their own safety enter my mind and I am so saddened and disturbed that I cannot stand it.

Miriam has always been a fan of bedtime.  As a 6-month-old baby she put herself on a sleep schedule that allowed her two naps per day, an early bedtime and a consistent wake-up time.  She loves bed time.  She's the only one of my three children who will willingly say to me, "Mommy, I want to go to sleep."  She adheres to bedtime as if it's written in stone. She loves the routine of putting on pajamas, brushing her teeth, brushing her hair and being tucked in.  When I tell her good night and kiss her cheeks, she's the happiest she's been all day.  Her innocence and sweetness are heartbreaking in contrast to the children who do not get the same.

Every child deserves to go to bed with a full stomach, knowing that a good night's sleep is ahead and that security is on the other side of that night.  But they don't.  And there's not a damn thing I can do about it.