Open Letter to My Next Door "Neighbor"

Dear "Neighbor",

Before we go any further, let me just explain the " ".  You get " " because neighbors are supposed to be neighborly.  You, my "friend," are not.  Neighbors sign for packages for each other or maybe they come over and ask how long the power has been out in the building when they can't turn on the lights after work.  They wave at each other on the sidewalk or they chit chat at the pool.  Sometimes they give each other a squirt of ketchup when their pre-schooler is begging for ketchup on his hot dog and they've run out.  See, that's the kind of passing relationship I have with the chick across the breezeway.  And I'm not saying that you and I have to have that relationship because not everyone does.  That's okay.  But can I ask that I not know the better part of the goings-on in your place?  Please?

I do not need to hear you slamming your kitchen cupboards or your bathroom door. I can live without knowing that your current favorite song is "Bottoms Up" by Trey Songz.  (What kind of a name is 'Songz' anyway?)  I can especially live without hearing "Bottoms Up" at full blast at 6:20 on a morning when I do not have to go to work and my children don't have school.  Thanks for getting us up in time to make it to school though.  If this was yesterday I might be writing you a different letter.

Also, I do not like your children gallivanting all through the breezeway, knocking on my door and then running away, asking my children for their phone number, slamming their bikes into my walls and screaming at each other.  Although, I can see why this is appealing to them; I'd rather do those things than be in your house with you screaming at me constantly, too.   That's another thing -- your children did not ask to be born to you and from what I can tell, they deserve much better than you.  I'm very close to calling CPS on you and that's not hyperbole.  While I'm at it, I'll file a complaint against you with the landlord for noise violations, too.

Signed,
Your Ticked Off "Neighbor"

P.S.  I drew that picture up there just for you.  I meant the angry face to be me but now that I'm looking at it again, it looks more like a constipated bunny.  That's okay.  It's the thought that counts, right?