LOLZ on the Road

Recent Kid Quotes

Me:  Samuel, put the sword down! Put on your shoes! You're going to be late for school!
Samuel:  But ...
Me:  Put it down!
Samuel:

... later ...

Samuel:  You know why I carry around the sword all the time?
Me:  No, why?
Samuel:  It's because of the monsters and I feel a little bit safer with the sword.
Me:  So your squishy Nerf sword is going to be protection against a zombie or vampire or other monster?  How does that work?
Samuel:  Well, the monsters are imaginary, you know.

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Miriam:  I don't think medicine makers have ever tasted real fruit.  Ever.  That does not taste like grapes!

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Solomon:  I think electrons are the key to time travel.
Me:  Why?
Solomon:  Because they can move at incredible speeds and blahblah science blahblah theories about physics and space blahblah.  Doesn't that make sense?
Me:  Um, I guess?  Where did you come up with this?
Solomon:  From science.

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Okay, so that last conversation was mostly paraphrased because my child's knowledge about space, physics and all that surpasses my own. 

These Kids ...

Miriam: "Can we get Pop-Tarts?"
Me: "No."
Solomon: "Pop-Tarts are full of sugar!"
Miriam: "That's why they're yummy!"
Solomon: "That's not a good enough reason."

This Happened Today

Funny/sad commentary of the day:
"Are you guys doing some sort of special study of chlamydia and gonorrhea up there in peds today?" said a lab tech after I took her the fifth specimen in two hours.

Boyfriend moment of the day:
Me:  "Oh, man.  This is a jalapeño and I don't have any rubber gloves.  I'm gonna get jalapeño residue on my hands."
Paul:  "Here, I'll cut it up."
Me:  "But then you'll have jalapeño residue on your hands."
Paul:  "Yeah, but I don't have contacts." :takes knife, cutting board, jalapeño pepper:


Meal of the week:
Lime-marinated fish tacos with avocado, mango and jalapeño salsa.  Black beans on the side.

Last Post re: Samuel's Pockets (Maybe)

I decided to document the growing pile of crap on the top of the dryer.  If you can't stop the madness you might as well join in, right?  So every week after I did a round of laundry, I photographed the pile of stuff and captured the new additions.  Here they are, in order.

Here we have some pebbles, a Starburst wrapper, an arm from an action figure, staples and some other unidentifiable stuff.

This week we added some silly bands, a weird bolt/screw thing and a bobby pin.

This time we found a dollar!  It was quickly reclaimed.  There are also a hair clip, part of a broken earring, a day-glo spider, a tiny bubble wand and more pebbles.

More of the same.

This week we added the remnants of a busted balloon animal, beads and more pennies and pebbles.  

How does one kid find, become attached to, and collect so much crap?

My Real Name

Samuel: Solomon, why are you so difficult?

Solomon:  Because my name is 54 x 63.

Miriam: Hi, 54 x 63.

Solomon:  No, first you have to figure me out.  Then you can call me that.

Paradise

Yesterday evening Solomon informed me that he did not get full on the breakfast I gave him yesterday morning so he went to eat school breakfast when I dropped them off.  They were supposed to be serving pancakes yesterday but when he got there they had run out and were handing out breakfast burritos instead.

"Mom, it was the best burrito I've ever had!  It had eggs and cheese and meat and paradise!"  And I swear, he swooned like Scarlett O'Hara when Ashley Wilkes walks into the ballroom at Twelve Oaks.

Adventures with Pee

Excuse the potty talk, please.  If I were my kids I'd take away my computer time.  But I control the computer and I make the rules and I'm not my kids.  So there.  Potty talk shall ensue.  But not terrible potty talk -- giggle-worthy potty talk.  I promise.

So today there was a 6-year-old girl in the office for her yearly well exam.  At the end of the visit I asked her to go to the bathroom and pee in a cup.  She couldn't.  She had stage fright or cup fright or something.  After a couple of trips to the bathroom I told her parents that it's really not a big deal, that we don't have to do it today and if they want to take a cup home with them they can bring it back in whenever it's convenient.

The problem here was two-fold: a) they're actually a little concerned about her urine because it's occasionally cloudy and b) they live 45 minutes away and it's never convenient to just run a cup of pee to our office.  So they decided to leave for lunch, run some errands and then come back to see if she could pee.  Great plan.

A few hours later the dad returned with a cup of pee and a jubilant 6-year-old girl who proclaimed loudly, "I peed in the cup! At Wal-Mart! In the Wal-Mart bathroom!"  I congratulated her and told her dad that I'd call him later with the results.

Later I called their home to relay the urinalysis results and I spoke with the mom.  I told her everything looked good and then she said, "Did they tell you that we lost it in Wal-Mart? She finally had to pee while we were shopping so her Dad took her to the bathroom and then carried the cup around with him.  Well, he set it down somewhere in the store and didn't realize it until we got to the cashier stand.  So we had to go back and look for it. The cashier thought it was the funniest thing ever."

I simultaneously had a good chuckle and an 'ew' moment, wondering where they had left it and who might have seen it before they came back for it.

Think the Potatoes Might be Old?

Overheard

Do not go in there!  Someone just cut massive amounts of cheese!

Random Rambling

1. I cut my finger on a piece of chicken. Yes, I said chicken, not chicken bone.
2. It's snowing.  Hard. I really want a snow day.  Hard.
3. Paul and I are going to the Spring Wine Festival in Palisade this weekend.  We're staying at the cutest little bed and breakfast I've ever seen.  I'm excited.  I just hope we don't have to make small talk with the owners.
4. I'm on my second full week of no calorie counting. Last week I was lazy and ate mostly what I wanted.  I gained 3 lbs back. This week I'm being stricter and hoping to see a loss on Monday.  If there's still not a loss I'll go back to the counting.
5. I took the kids to see Diary of a Wimpy Kid.  It's way cute.
6. Häagen-Dazs 5 ingredient coffee ice cream might be the best thing I have ever tasted.
7. Google 'shark with people teeth.' Just do it.  I promise you won't regret it.
8. I saw a bumper sticker today that said, "Die hard fan of having a roof over my head."  I giggled for several blocks. 
9. I've discovered a phenomenal recipe for salsa. It's so good and so easy, you'll cry.
10. I have decided I like cilantro in small doses.
11. When I re-formatted my blog I lost the instant edit link in the layout and I'm very frustrated that I can't find it.

Google Voice Message 4

Hello to see of. Later is. Hey Leanne, Noon, and, but I'm writing. Hey. Jessie here. Lou Hey Bro, bye hello. I don't know, Hello Hi saying that he's you can, alright, it's, Hi, Hello yeah, Hi Yeah who. Hello something. Okay bye. Hey. Okay bye. Say hello i yeah 4, Hello, Yes, hello it. Yeah, but hey, believe it. We are going on. Hello bye bye electricity by do it. Yeah x Hey C, but yeah.

This was another pocket dial, from the ex-husband this time. He was in church. Singing. In Spanish. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bye. Yeah.

Google Voice Message 3

Okay Hello Larry, If he wants me. He doesn't know that you have a Yahoo.

You know what this message really was? Someone butt dialing and not knowing it. They didn't say a single word. It was just a bunch of static and fabric moving against the phone. Yeah, not kidding in the least. I really could not make this up if I tried.

el-oh-el (& How Sweet is My Boy?)

Be sure to check out bored, unhelpful dog in the background around 0:20.  And please, I beg you, laugh so hard you snort; it would make me feel better about myself.



When we finished this, Samuel wasn't hysterical like Solomon, Miriam and myself.  I asked him what was wrong and he said, "If that was my puppy that couldn't turn over again, I'd help him."  And then about 5 minutes later after the other 3 of us watched it twice more and laughed ourselves silly, Samuel said, "If that was my poor puppy, I wouldn't make a video of him like that."  How sweet and sensitive is that?

I Love T-Shirts

You know that, right? Well, I especially love funny t-shirts. I came across this contest online for the best Princess Bride t-shirt. And since that's one of my favorite movies ever I loved most of these shirts. If you're not a Princess Bride afficionado, feel free to go right on past this post because you probably won't find it funny.

 

  

  

 

More Schoolwork

This time from Samuel, a quiz on Martin Luther King, Jr.

 

My favorite part is 'segrugashin'.

Silent Letters

This is what Samuel and I shared at the movie theater today.  He read the container and said, "Hm.  I guess the 'F' and the 'U' in 'nacho' are silent."

I love this kid.

The Fridge is too Cold

You know how I can tell? This egg is frozen. No kidding.

One of the Funniest Videos Ever

I Want a Real Mommy!

"I want a real mommy that gives me whatever I want! Not a fake mommy like you that won't give me anything!"

-- Samuel, at bedtime when he claimed to be hungry and I sent him to bed, knowing full well that he was only stalling