Updating the Number and Other Things

It's summer.  Summer means the kids are gone and I have lots of free time.  Free time that is eaten up by working out, traveling, tasting wine and playing kickball.  That doesn't leave a whole heck of a lot of time for writing.  Something's gotta give, huh?  As always, when I go on a writing hiatus, I miss it tons.

So.  First things first: The Number.  The Number is looking better.  I haven't quite reached my goal yet but that's okay.  I'm eating well and feeling great -- really, really great.  I've embarked on a workout schedule that I really enjoy. It is as follows: Monday, Wednesday and Friday are running days and Tuesday and Thursday are weight training days.  I have completed Week 4 of C25K and will begin Week 5 this coming Monday.  It feels really good to be moving and it feels even better to see muscle definition appearing in places I've never had muscle definition.  I'm on track to run a 5K at the end of July and I'm excited about it.

Early this month Paul and I celebrated one year since our first date.  It's been quite a year.  Paul is a great guy and I am fortunate to have him in my life. We went to Palisade, Colorado and celebrated there.  More about that in the next post.  And lots and lots of photos.  Hold on to your hats.

My 31st birthday is coming.  It feels weird.  Thirty didn't bother me at all; it was fun, actually.  Thirty-one isn't bothering me, per se, but it does feel much, much older than 30 did.  I don't know why.

Later this week I will leave to pick up the kiddos in Albuquerque.  Then we'll head to Arkansas to see my family.  It's been way too long since we've seen them.  I have missed them so.  The kids are pumped.  It's always so much fun to see my kids playing with my siblings.  After a week or so there, we'll head back to Albuquerque where the kids will stay to spend the rest of their summer break.  On a side note, I'm looking forward to running at thousands of feet lower than my current elevation to see how much easier it is.  I only hope the humidity doesn't make it that much more difficult to breathe.  I will report on that next week.

On a blogging note, I have tons of stuff I want to write about but I'm afraid I won't remember it all.  I should start saving notes on my phone or something.

A Blank Screen & What's Happening

I'm sitting here on the sofa with my laptop. I'm listening to Norah Jones and just finished an iced coffee. The ceiling fan is on and I turned on the air conditioner as soon as I woke up.

My plans for the day include working out to Britney Spears and Eminem. After that, I'll go swimming for a bit and then lie by the pool, reading. At some point I have to go to the store and buy butter, heavy whipping cream and a new pastry cutter. I sliced up strawberries and set them up with sugar in the refrigerator yesterday. I will make shortcake and real whipped cream this evening, hence the shopping trip.

We went to Idaho Springs yesterday and took a walk through its little downtown area. 'We' are Jennifer, Caleb, Jonathan, Charissa, Elizabeth, Christopher, Noah, Adam and myself. Also, Abby, the new, very cute, very sweet dog. We took photos of flowers, an old train, artistic signs and each others' silly faces. We had lunch at Beau Jo's Pizza. It is delicious food.

I had dinner last night with a new friend. It's the third dinner we've had together. We shall see where this goes. It seems to be going somewhere good.

I'm flying to Albuquerque on Friday. I have reserved a hotel room near Old Town. I'll have the kids with me from Friday afternoon to Sunday morning. I am planning for us to walk to Old Town and see what is appealing. We will swim and play and catch up on some snuggling.

I turn 30 this week. I've been thinking about it a lot, but in sort of a vague, distracted way. I have no philosophical tidbits to put down here about this milestone. I'm not dreading it, I'm not expecting a big revelation and I don't feel a sense of urgency to accomplish major goals. It's another birthday. It just is.

Now my screen is no longer blank and you know what's happening here. And I feel a little better, having written something.

The Business of Half Siblings

This is so much harder than I thought it would be. I never wanted to care this much about anything the ex-husband did, so long as he didn't mistreat our children or expect me to make nice to the mistress. When the mistress went away, half of my worries went away. But then he started dating the new wife and he married her and I had a whole bunch of new worries.

It was weird to find out that they were expecting. It was weirder when she started to show. The most surreal moment was when I saw a picture from her 3D ultrasound and the baby's nose looked exactly like Solomon's. Until then, I could push it to the back of my mind because the baby was still a formless, genderless being hidden away in her belly.

I was texting with my ex-sister-in-law (whom I still like) two nights ago about Solomon's birthday. The next morning I got another text message from her that said the ex-husband and the new wife had gone to the hospital because her water broke. All day I kept waiting for the text message that said the baby had been born and was, therefore 'real' in my mind. 'Real' in the sense that it now had a name and an identity, like my own children. The last I knew when I went to bed was that she was getting an epidural and not progressing past 3 cm.

When I woke up today I had a message that read "It's a boy, born at 12:30 am. He weighs 8 lbs, 2 oz and he's 20.5 inches long." It doesn't get much more real than that. Or so I thought. And then I heard the name. He has the same first name as my boys. And his middle name, which is undoubtedly the name they will call him, follows the same pattern that my children's middle names do.

My 3 children, for whom I live and breathe, are included in a naming pattern with this child. Their child. My 3 children are his siblings. They share DNA with him.

I've been trying to figure out why this bothers me and I think I have it: I don't want to care what the ex-husband does but he's made it so that I have to. He's had a child that will directly impact my children's lives.

The easier bit to figure out is equality. What I mean is that the new wife professed to love my children like they were her own. And I can believe she did. But that changed in the moment that she had her biological child because now she does have her own. Call me a cynic, but I find it impossible to believe that she'll love and treat all 4 of these children equally. I just do.

It's easier to believe that the ex-husband will love his 4 children equally. I can put myself into an imaginary situation in which I have an imaginary child with an imaginary partner and I can imagine that I love that child just as I love the 3 I already have. I can imagine that. The problem on the ex-husband's side is that my 3 children will see things differently. After all, this child has both of his parents together all the time. This child won't be traveling 400 miles to see his father during school breaks.

My children, at this point, are happy about the new baby. They are excited to go spend the summer there and play with him. Because they are happy, I am happy for them. Babies are cute and sweet and exciting. No matter my feelings on the subject, he is their half-brother and I don't expect them to ignore that relationship. But I dread the day they realize this may not be all it's cracked up to be.

Finally, I am grateful that this child missed being born on my brother's birthday, even if it was only by 30 minutes. I am more grateful still that this child wasn't born on my child's birthday, which is tomorrow. But that doesn't keep me from wishing he was born in another month, or even a different season.

Common Sense: Blood Cell Reproduction

We can do a quick urinalysis in the office at work. It takes less than 2 minutes and tells if there are red blood cells, white blood cells, ketones, bilirubin, protein, nitrites, glucose and a few other things present in the urine. Understandably, the sooner we do the test after the sample is given, the more accurate it is. However, if there are things like RBCs and WBCs present in the sample when it's given, they will be there in the same numbers even if the test is run later. RBCs and WBCs cannot reproduce spontaneously in a cup of urine. They just can't. Someone I work with does not understand this. I do not understand how she does not understand it.

P.S. -- Happy birthday, Jennifer!

My Birthday

I was thinking about my past birthdays this morning. Most have been relatively uneventful but still memorable in their own way. Others have consisted of elaborate plans and lots of memories.

I don't remember my first birthday, but I've seen the pictures. I sat on the table in a diaper and smeared myself with chocolate frosting from my very own cake. That's been a big family tradition.

I do remember my second birthday. Most people don't believe me when I say that. They think it's because I've seen the pictures of it and I only think I remember it. But they're wrong. Mom made me a castle cake with Cinderella sitting outside it. It was pink. Very pink. All of that is in the pictures. What does not show are the Pringles cans that made up the castle towers. I remember watching Mom cover them in icing. It seemed to take forever.

Other birthdays run together in a blur. There were several that Jennifer and I celebrated together since our birthdays are 6 days apart. We had a birthday party in the big red caboose at McDonald's one year. Another year, we had a party at Granny and Paw Paw's house. We had two cakes; one was yellow with pink decorations and the other was pink with yellow decorations. I don't remember which was mine and which was Jennifer's.

I got a bike for my fifth birthday. I picked it out from the models at the store and Dad said we needed to find the actual box so we could take it home and put it together. The thought of waiting on it to be put together so disappointed me that the sales person said we could take the floor model. I was thrilled.

There was the year that Mom and Dad let Jennifer and me point out a few things in the toy department that we wanted. I thought we were giving specific instructions so I was a little pouty when I opened my presents and they were slightly different. I still feel bad about that.

Jennifer and I got new bikes when we were 7 and 9, respectively. They were identical 10-speeds and we thought we were hot stuff. We rode those bikes every where. Someone tried to steal them once. I'm a little foggy on the details but Jennifer remembers it better than I do.

On my thirteenth birthday, Mom told me she would make any dinner I wanted. I found some recipes in a magazine and she did it. We had roast beef sandwiches, cucumber salad and a dessert that I can't remember now. I also got my ears pierced on my thirteenth birthday.

My sixteenth birthday was a lot of fun. I had a sleepover with my best friend. We stayed up all night and watched all 4 Jaws movies. Then we scared ourselves silly in her pool. I left for a mission trip in Birmingham on my actual birthday.

My eighteenth birthday was notable because we were awaiting the arrival of my youngest sister, Elizabeth. I also learned to drive that summer.

I spent my twenty-first birthday nursing my 6-week-old baby and marveling at how much my life had changed in just a year. Not the typical American twenty-first birthday, was it?

My twenty-fifth birthday was the last day of our family trip to Disneyland. We missed a flight to Phoenix (not our fault), got re-routed to Las Vegas and grounded in Las Vegas due to 114 F temperatures. We got a free room at the Monte Carlo and spent 48 hours taking in Vegas. If it weren't for the divorce clouds looming overhead, it would have been a fantastic detour.

I was at Lake Tahoe for my twenty-sixth birthday. A boyfriend (ex) and I had a helicopter ride over the lake, a cruise around the lake and saw a Rascal Flatts concert. Definitely a memorable birthday.

Last year, another boyfriend (ex) and I had a good time. There were flowers, dinner, a movie and some wine. The wine wasn't so great, but it was a fun night. The wine was actually kind of funny.

This year has been a good birthday, too. I had to work today, but it wasn't so bad. I went to lunch with some co-workers and was completely embarrassed when the servers chanted the Happy Birthday song and brought ice cream and balloons. I'm eating dinner with Jennifer and Caleb (homemade pizza!). This weekend we are headed to a music festival downtown. I am looking forward to some great music, great laughs, great drinks, a great time in general.

And I am not dreading being 29, either. I'm not even dreading being 30 in 364 days. I don't feel much different than I did at 19 so I'm good with this age thing.

Eight Years of Moments

Yesterday marked 8 years since I became a mother. I can hardly believe it. Even harder to believe is that in 2 years, I'll have been at this for a decade. This is the longest I have been committed to one activity, ever. I think it's safe to say that this will be my life's work.

The magnitude of this job overwhelms me at times. Three human beings ... infancy to adulthood and everything that encompasses ... wow. Other times, I concentrate on the moments and it's not such a big deal. Brushing teeth and putting on pajamas isn't a daunting task (most nights). Neither is driving children to school at 7:45 AM. They're just things to be done and when they are all added up, it's life. In 20 years, I'll look back and wonder where all the moments went.

Some moments are exhilarating. All The Great Firsts are seared into my memory: the first spoken words, the first read words, the first teeth, the first loose teeth, riding the first bike, buying the first school supplies, seeing the first steps, the first screaming bath in the nursery.

Some moments are terrifying, like leaving my sobbing daughter in a classroom for the first time. In that moment, I know she will be fine; she has the same wonderful teacher that her brother had last year. But she's my crying baby and all I want to do is scoop her up, promising that she will never be back there. Being a rational parent means realizing that this isn't feasible; if she doesn't stay for this first day, there will be another first day somewhere else and it won't be easier. So I push through that awful moment, knowing that the subsequent morning drop-offs will only get easier.

Some moments are surprising in their simplicity. The moments I've spent snuggled into bed with the kids and telling them about my own childhood are special to all of us. It's something I experienced with my parents and I am now making a point of it with my children. Other times spent silly dancing in the kitchen or playing I Spy on road trips are no less special than The Great Firsts. I hope my children will look back on their childhoods and remember these, as well as the big moments.

So, here's to the last 8 years, and to all that will follow.