The #1 Thing I Don't Understand

McCain/Palin bumper stickers with the McCain half cut off. I've seen them quite a lot around here. I just don't get it.

When John McCain was just John McCain, I considered voting for him. John McCain as a political candidate, on his own, was not so bad. By the time he chose his running mate, I was already a staunch Obama supporter and very proud of it. McCain made a terrible mistake in choosing Sarah Palin and I'm glad I didn't have to switch candidates because of it. Also, I was really irked that McCain's people expected women voters to back him just because he chose a woman VP. It's extremely insulting to think that women would support a candidate just because ovaries are involved. But most of that is neither here nor there.

Sarah Palin. Man, that woman irritates me more than anyone I don't personally know has a right to. She's not smart. She's a scary, bigoted, fear-mongering sorry excuse for a politician. And she's a quitter. I do not understand placing so much faith in her. It's like she's seen as the hope of the Republican party; people really want to vote for her in 2012. She has her own grassroots campaign going already amongst these people who cut John McCain off his own bumper sticker.

If anyone has any insight, I'd really love to hear it.

That's Why They Do It!

The other night I was mixing a drink with rum and fruit juice. Miriam said, "You just made wine, didn't you?" I said no, it wasn't wine, it was rum and it's also a drink that children shouldn't have. She sniffed it, proclaimed it 'gross' and then asked, "Why do they even make that stuff?" Before I could put together an answer, Solomon jumped in with, "It's so adults can have drinks that they don't have to share with their kids."

First Day of School

So the kids started school again today. I met their teachers last week and called the kids in Albuquerque to tell them about their classrooms.

When I picked them up yesterday they were really excited about going back to school. Even with all the excitement, I expected a little nervousness. I expected to park and walk them to their classroom lines, introduce them to their teachers and hug them tightly before heading off to work.

We pulled into the school parking lot this morning and the kids squealed and bounced up and down in their seats. I asked if they wanted me to walk up with them, hoping they'd say yes. But they didn't. Not a single one. I said to Samuel, "It's the first day of first grade -- are you sure you don't want me to go with you?" Nope. He took off, his stuffed backpack almost toppling him over.

And then I sat at the curb for a few minutes, half bursting with pride that they are so independent and confident and half sad that they don't seem to need me as much as I think they do.

The Kids are Back

It's only been 6 hours since I picked them up and I'm exhausted. I had forgotten how difficult this job is.

Old People's TV

You know you're watching an old people's television show when every other commercial is for COPD medications, life insurance to cover your after death expenses or nail clippers with an attached magnifying glass.

For the record, I'm watching Matlock. Sshhh, don't tell anyone.

I Bought a Car

The Suburban served me well for almost 7 years. I blew out the transmission, busted the emergency brake, ruined the rear brakes, neglected the windshield and covered it in opinionated bumper stickers. I put 110,000 miles on it after it had already been driven 70,000. It's a wonder the poor truck didn't decide to trade me in for a new driver a long time ago.

Lately, the Suburban's radiator has started leaking at an alarming rate, the air conditioner went out and it needed a new set of tires. I couldn't justify pouring that much money into a 12 year old vehicle. Plus, even if the truck was in top condition, it's not all-wheel drive, which I desperately need for the winter coming up. Off to the Subaru dealership I went.

I test drove the Forester and the Outback. I realized immediately that I liked the Outback far better; it feels like a car and I'm tired of driving an SUV. I considered taking advantage of the 'Cash for Clunkers' deal. I could have received $4500 toward the purchase of a new Subaru but even with that credit, I'd end up with a larger loan than I'd like. So I decided to get a slightly older car with a smaller price tag and trade in the Suburban. I only got $1500 for the Suburban but my loan is more reasonable.

I briefly considered test-driving other makes of cars. I decided not to, though. I've been dreaming of Subarus for a year and a half. I like that the Subaru plant is environmentally friendly. I like that Subarus last forever, that they're one of the safest cars on the road and that they're fuel-efficient. There isn't another car maker that can claim all of those things. Why go some where else?

So on Monday night, I signed my name approximately 28 times, initialed another dozen items and drove away (finally!) at 10:45 pm with my 2008 Subaru Outback. I actually bought a car by myself and it's exactly what I want. I did it. I still can't believe it.

More Reasons to Love Colorado

The Dinner With a New Friend

It's going somewhere good. :)

I Have a Problem

I am an itunes-aholic. It's interfering with my life. I stayed up past midnight last night, searching for and buying more music. I couldn't stop. Every time I found a song or an artist, I was reminded of another great song or another amazing artist. And somehow I spent over $40.

The worst part? I know I don't have nearly all the music I want. Fortunately, I am limited to 1 G right now since all I have is an ipod shuffle. I can rationalize that I really don't need more music since it won't fit. What will I do, though, when I get the iphone? That date is quickly arriving. (Yippee!) That sucker has 8 G! (Yippee!)

What will I do with myself?

Observations Made Between DIA and ABQ

• Airplane seat belts have extenders for people who don't fit in them otherwise.
• I like flying; I don't like flying in a hot metal tube with people who need to shower.
• It really galls me to pay $15 for my one suitcase, both ways. If those $30 were just added to my ticket price, I'd probably be okay with it.
• One should not bring a tuna fish sandwich on board to eat during a flight.
• There is television on planes now. The most fascinating channel is the one that shows this thing called Live Map. It updates every minute or so with the speed, altitude and progress of the plane toward its destination. I watched our trip from Denver to Castle Rock to Colorado Springs to Pueblo to the border to Santa Fe to Albuquerque. Our top speed was 574 mph and our highest altitude was 34,054 feet, but not at the same time.
  

Open Letters

Dear Apartment Manager:

I understand that you cannot control everything that happens in and around this complex. However, neither can I and it's not my job. It is unfair to me, a responsible resident, to keep locking up the fitness center and pool due to the irresponsibility of a few residents. Find a way to keep these facilities open on a regular basis or you can pay for a bike, gym membership and a pool membership for my family. Furthermore, when my lease is up in February, this may be the determining factor in whether I sign another one here or look elsewhere.

Sincerely Yours,
Disgruntled Resident


Dear Irresponsible Residents:

You suck. It's pathetic that you can't or won't or don't control your children. Letting them throw pool furniture into the pool is unacceptable. Letting them throw rocks into the pool is unacceptable. And to whomever continues breaking into the business center and messing with the computers -- I've got an extra special dose of 'You Suck' right here, just for you. It's big and hairy and gangrenous. Enjoy.

This is ridiculous. It's enough to make a rational, peaceful-minded person like myself begin wishing destruction upon you all. And that's saying something. I'm going to strongly recommend that your rents be raised accordingly to pay for the bike, gym membership and pool membership that my family requires since you and your disgusting hellions can't act like respectable members of society.

Also, if I personally see one of your disgusting hellions intentionally destroying complex property, I'm going to drag them by their ridiculous hair and nasty pants to your front door and drop them there so you can answer for yourself. And then I'm writing you a referral for Super Nanny. Idiots.

Sincerely,
Angry Neighbor

A Blank Screen & What's Happening

I'm sitting here on the sofa with my laptop. I'm listening to Norah Jones and just finished an iced coffee. The ceiling fan is on and I turned on the air conditioner as soon as I woke up.

My plans for the day include working out to Britney Spears and Eminem. After that, I'll go swimming for a bit and then lie by the pool, reading. At some point I have to go to the store and buy butter, heavy whipping cream and a new pastry cutter. I sliced up strawberries and set them up with sugar in the refrigerator yesterday. I will make shortcake and real whipped cream this evening, hence the shopping trip.

We went to Idaho Springs yesterday and took a walk through its little downtown area. 'We' are Jennifer, Caleb, Jonathan, Charissa, Elizabeth, Christopher, Noah, Adam and myself. Also, Abby, the new, very cute, very sweet dog. We took photos of flowers, an old train, artistic signs and each others' silly faces. We had lunch at Beau Jo's Pizza. It is delicious food.

I had dinner last night with a new friend. It's the third dinner we've had together. We shall see where this goes. It seems to be going somewhere good.

I'm flying to Albuquerque on Friday. I have reserved a hotel room near Old Town. I'll have the kids with me from Friday afternoon to Sunday morning. I am planning for us to walk to Old Town and see what is appealing. We will swim and play and catch up on some snuggling.

I turn 30 this week. I've been thinking about it a lot, but in sort of a vague, distracted way. I have no philosophical tidbits to put down here about this milestone. I'm not dreading it, I'm not expecting a big revelation and I don't feel a sense of urgency to accomplish major goals. It's another birthday. It just is.

Now my screen is no longer blank and you know what's happening here. And I feel a little better, having written something.

Summer

My kids are gone. They'll be gone for a while. It's good and it's bad. I desperately needed some down time. The down side of down time is that I miss them.

The week before the kids left, I took off work and focused entirely on them. I went to Samuel's kindergarten graduation. It was very, very cute. We had a celebratory lunch on the last day of school. They rode their bikes, scooter and skateboards. We took advantage of free summer movies, went to the aquarium downtown, played in the pool and at the park. They slept over with their cousins, played with dry ice, courtesy of the Cool Uncle Levi. And then I packed them up and sent them off with their dad. It was a good send off.

I breathed deeply, cleaned the house thoroughly and sat down to watch television programming considered inappropriate for children. And now it's time to focus on myself.

So far, I'm keeping busy. There is kickball, there are dinners and drinks with friends. There is running and weightlifting. There is soaking in the hot tub at midnight with a glass of wine, the stars and no worries. There is a lot of reading, coffee and music. It's a good time.

Struggling

I want to come back here and write. I feel the need to write. But I have nothing to say. I never thought this would happen. Is this what it's like to have writer's block?

When I started back to school a couple of years ago, I enrolled in an essay writing class. I really enjoyed that class. I missed it when the semester ended. It's what inspired me start this blog, actually.

One of my first assignments in that class was to talk about my reasons for writing. The professor wanted us to discuss creative writing specifically. I wrote that I don't like creative writing. I don't want to write fiction, short stories or novels. I usually have too many other ideas floating around in my head to focus on things that aren't true.

But now I have nothing to talk about and I'm stuck.

Exhaustion and Neglect

I'm still alive, just overwhelmed. My house is a mess. A big one. I've had all I can handle just keeping up with all the kids' end-of-year activities, field trips, ceremonies and perks. It will be over soon, the kids will go away for a while and I will have time to re-charge. It can't come soon enough.

The Business of Half Siblings

This is so much harder than I thought it would be. I never wanted to care this much about anything the ex-husband did, so long as he didn't mistreat our children or expect me to make nice to the mistress. When the mistress went away, half of my worries went away. But then he started dating the new wife and he married her and I had a whole bunch of new worries.

It was weird to find out that they were expecting. It was weirder when she started to show. The most surreal moment was when I saw a picture from her 3D ultrasound and the baby's nose looked exactly like Solomon's. Until then, I could push it to the back of my mind because the baby was still a formless, genderless being hidden away in her belly.

I was texting with my ex-sister-in-law (whom I still like) two nights ago about Solomon's birthday. The next morning I got another text message from her that said the ex-husband and the new wife had gone to the hospital because her water broke. All day I kept waiting for the text message that said the baby had been born and was, therefore 'real' in my mind. 'Real' in the sense that it now had a name and an identity, like my own children. The last I knew when I went to bed was that she was getting an epidural and not progressing past 3 cm.

When I woke up today I had a message that read "It's a boy, born at 12:30 am. He weighs 8 lbs, 2 oz and he's 20.5 inches long." It doesn't get much more real than that. Or so I thought. And then I heard the name. He has the same first name as my boys. And his middle name, which is undoubtedly the name they will call him, follows the same pattern that my children's middle names do.

My 3 children, for whom I live and breathe, are included in a naming pattern with this child. Their child. My 3 children are his siblings. They share DNA with him.

I've been trying to figure out why this bothers me and I think I have it: I don't want to care what the ex-husband does but he's made it so that I have to. He's had a child that will directly impact my children's lives.

The easier bit to figure out is equality. What I mean is that the new wife professed to love my children like they were her own. And I can believe she did. But that changed in the moment that she had her biological child because now she does have her own. Call me a cynic, but I find it impossible to believe that she'll love and treat all 4 of these children equally. I just do.

It's easier to believe that the ex-husband will love his 4 children equally. I can put myself into an imaginary situation in which I have an imaginary child with an imaginary partner and I can imagine that I love that child just as I love the 3 I already have. I can imagine that. The problem on the ex-husband's side is that my 3 children will see things differently. After all, this child has both of his parents together all the time. This child won't be traveling 400 miles to see his father during school breaks.

My children, at this point, are happy about the new baby. They are excited to go spend the summer there and play with him. Because they are happy, I am happy for them. Babies are cute and sweet and exciting. No matter my feelings on the subject, he is their half-brother and I don't expect them to ignore that relationship. But I dread the day they realize this may not be all it's cracked up to be.

Finally, I am grateful that this child missed being born on my brother's birthday, even if it was only by 30 minutes. I am more grateful still that this child wasn't born on my child's birthday, which is tomorrow. But that doesn't keep me from wishing he was born in another month, or even a different season.

A Moral Dilemma

Solomon and I had a brief conversation about war, soldiers and death the other day. I don't remember all the details of it. We have a lot of conversations like this; it's the way my boys are.

But Solomon asked something that he's never asked before, something I've never heard a child his age ask. He said, "What makes us the good guys? If American soldiers go into another country and kill people, aren't they bad guys then?"

Today ...

I slept until 11:30, made up for sleeping 4 hours in the previous 36.

I finished watching Season 2 of Big Love.

I ran barefoot through a massive thunderstorm, soaking my clothes, my shopping bags and what little hair I have.

I unpacked $30 worth of fresh produce in my kitchen while listening to A Prairie Home Companion.

I discovered the combined poetic tastes of a bottle riesling, a carton of fresh raspberries and a wedge of gouda.

I bought a cast iron stove top grill. I can't wait to cook a thick, medium rare steak on it.

I heard a song I haven't listened to or even thought about in almost 3 years. It brought back a lot of memories.

Today ... Today was a good day.

Sunflower Market

There is a Sunflower Market within walking distance of my apartment. I've taken forever to get there but I finally went two weeks ago and I went again today. I freaking love that place.

I was kind of surprised at its size; it's very small compared with other major grocery stores. But I quickly realized why. They sell ingredients for making meals from scratch, not pre-packaged, processed meals. Sure, there are some packaged foods available but there are very few of them. About 2/3 of the store is fresh produce. The selection is great and the prices really are silly, like they advertise.

A lot of things there are more expensive than they'd be at a larger grocery store. I probably won't ever buy very much of the meat or dairy products but it would be fine in a pinch.

I'm excited about this because it's encouraging me to serve more fresh fruits and vegetables and less of the unhealthy stuff. Obviously, we could really benefit from that. I'll also be looking for new recipes to use produce I've never really bought, like eggplants and butternut squash.

Another thing that really impresses me is their attitude toward reducing waste. Unlike the other grocery stores I've usually frequented, reusable grocery bags are encouraged instead of treated as an inconvenience. You get a $0.10 credit for every reusable bag you bring in. And when the register prints out the receipt it prints on both sides! So simple but just not done any where else.

The best part: the dairy section has little baskets full of cheese bits left over from the slicing and packaging of larger blocks of cheese. You can buy a couple of ounces to try so you don't spend $10 to find out if you like dill havarti. I happen to know now that I love, love, love dill havarti and I only spent $1.75 to find that out.

Yay for Sunflower Market!

Mother's Day

I can't believe I forgot to post this. It's the text of the fill-in-the-blank card Samuel made for me at school.

My Mother

My mother is very kind .
She is 20 feet tall.
She weights 565 pounds.
Her hair is blond bald .
Her eyes are bule .
She likes to play with me best of all.
She does not like wen I be mean .
I like when she says " I love you ."
I love her because she sum times plays with me .