Relatos, Sueños y Esperanzas

Just Another Sunday Evening

2012-01-29T21:42:00.002-07:00

I've been enjoying this Sunday evening. It's quite glamorous, if I do say so myself. Of course, that all depends on how one defines the word 'glamorous'. (Remember when President Clinton said something about defining the word 'is'? Never mind, that has nothing to do with this post.)

I define glamorous as lighting a few candles, turning down the lights, turning up some Amos Lee and pouring a couple of vodka-themed beverages. It shouldn't matter that after all of that I did laundry, baked bread and e-mailed a teacher, right? Right.

Photographic evidence, lest you think I'm fibbing.

The inside of my functional dryer. I have something else to say about this. I may or may not say it here. Actually, I definitely won't say it in this post. I might say it in another post. Stay tuned, maybe.

Bread. Bread. Bread. Bread. Bread. Bread. Bread. Yum.

E-mail to the teacher about one of my children. It's only in response to the e-mail she first sent to me. I don't want to get in the middle since I'm trying to practice the Love and Logic stuff but I can't exactly ignore her, either. I'm also having to step in with the ex-husband because of AD/HD issues. Such is my life of glamor. :sigh:

And a photo of my bookshelf and its various candle holders containing lit candles. It makes me happy. I bought the bookshelf at IKEA a couple of weeks ago. I assembled it myself. Rawr! The books in it make me happier than the fact that I assembled furniture alone. Sadly, I have not read all the books it contains. Maybe that should be a goal of mine for this summer -- to read all the books contained there. Hmmm.

Well, that's enough of that. Enjoy your Sunday evening, what's left of it anyway. For my part, I'm going to chat with Paul for a bit, take a shower and collapse into my bed. My bed smells yummy because I washed the sheets yesterday and I used new fabric softener. It's the little things. It really is.

I'm Going Bald Again!

2012-01-21T12:54:00.001-07:00

In March, I'm going to shave my head to benefit the St. Baldrick's Foundation. I am excited! It's so satisfying to know that I am contributing to cancer research. Plus, I really enjoyed being bald. It was liberating in so many ways. I can't wait!

If you want to donate on my head, go here: St. Baldrick's Foundation. Search for me under Find a Participant and then choose how you'd like to donate. My goal this time is $1500.

Two Fitting Quotations

2012-01-21T12:42:00.003-07:00

"People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can't find them, make them." George Bernard Shaw

"Again and again, the impossible problem is solved when we see that the problem is only a tough decision waiting to be made." Robert H. Schuller

I came across the first quote months and months ago. I love it. It explains my philosophy on life thoroughly, yet succinctly. I just found the second one this morning on a note Miriam brought home from her jump rope coach. At any other time it probably wouldn't have meant much to me but since I've been struggling with my career plans recently, it hit home.

Time and again the problems in my life have been solved by accepting that sometimes life sucks and sometimes I have no choice but to rearrange my perspective, make the difficult decisions and blaze a new trail. Getting divorced, moving half way across the country, changing jobs, enrolling in school, losing 25 pounds, parenting -- all of it is challenging. Curling up into myself and sobbing about it only works for so long. At some point I have to blow my nose and wipe my eyes, take a deep breath and figure out how to fix it. There is always a solution. It might not be the one I want and it might not be easy or fun but there is always a solution. Always.

Musings on My Career

2012-01-18T21:06:00.003-07:00

I have recently begun to face facts. Or one fact, anyway. Namely, I do not have the time to go to nursing school and I won't have the time any time soon. Any decent nursing program has a murderous clinical schedule that I cannot swing as a single parent. I have done everything I can, worked out every plan, researched all the options and it's just not workable.

Now, I'm not one to let obstacles get in the way of what I want. I don't give up easily. I'm a hard worker. I'm also a realist. All the encouraging, feel good, don't give up-ness in the world cannot change the facts. I don't know a single person in my situation -- single parent with the other parent 400 miles away -- who has done this. Every BSN candidate I know has either 1) a spouse who works full-time and supports the family while caring for children; or 2) moved in with parents who can fill the childcare and financial support roles as needed; or 3) a vastly superior financial situation that allows for not working any kind of job. None of these three are possible for me.

I was lamenting all of this to Paul and he said, "What else do you want to do?" And I immediately said, "There's nothing else. This is what I want."

But then I thought some more and I came up with these requirements for my career, such as it is or might be:

I have to be able to meet thousands, if not tens of thousands, of different people. As much as individual people might drive me absolutely bonkers, I love humanity in general. I need to be immersed in all the stuff that makes up people.
I have to be able to help those people. I need to feel that I can have a personal impact on someone's life. It may not be a lot to humanity as a whole, but I need to connect with at least a few people on a personal level.
I have to be learning stuff. All the time. I don't want a single day to go by where I don't learn something, be it fascinating or mundane.

I've never articulated before why I love nursing so much. That's it right there. Those things mean the world to me. But that doesn't mean that nursing is the only way I can be fulfilled or happy. I can't believe I'm just now seeing this. I think I could pursue a degree in biology or nutrition or something else that hasn't occurred to me yet and still be fulfilled and happy.

I would love to work in a research hospital some where. If I could study disease processes or microscopic pathogens and figure out what makes them tick, I'd be happy. If I could make them stop ticking, I'd be ecstatic. If I could save lives by stopping the ticking of fatal pathogens, I'd die happier than anyone ever has.

I have a lot to consider. I need to do some research on where I might fit. I need to see what my realistic options are. But I'm excited. There is a whole world out there -- that doesn't require grueling clinical hours -- that I haven't considered before now. And I can't wait to see what it might hold.

Coffee is a Beautiful Thing

2012-01-07T09:53:00.003-07:00

This is one of the things Paul gave to me for Christmas. It's an espresso maker. I can make lattes all by myself! There is a milk steamer/frother thingy too. Yay for delicious coffee! Yay for delicious coffee without paying Starbucks $4.00!

Dentist Time!

2012-01-05T20:15:00.003-07:00

I took the kids to the dentist today. All three of them. It was just for cleaning and x-rays but I was still mighty anxious. We've had less than stellar dental appointments since they were tiny kids. I was mucho afraid of what we might need to repair, of the bills, of more anxiety. Ugh.

But I feared for (almost) nothing. Out of three kids and some 48 teeth -- give or take a lost baby tooth -- there is only one cavity. And it's tiny. And in a baby tooth. Yay! Our religious dedication to brushing, flossing, fluoride rinses and much less candy has paid off!

Happy New Year!!

2011-12-31T16:17:00.002-07:00

It's New Year's Eve 2011/2012! Yay!

Okay, that's enough exclamation points for one post. I really am just posting this to show you some photos from this fine evening.

People Watching in Airports

2011-12-29T17:40:00.002-07:00

People watching in airports is hampered by security regulations now. This whole business that only allows ticketed passengers at the gate means I don't get to see people say their hellos or good byes. (Yes, I am that nosey.) It's different when I just see people gliding by on the automatic sidewalk. Or sitting across from me with their carry-on luggage and whatever crap they bought in the airport.

Christmas

2011-12-25T19:45:00.000-07:00

Alright. I need to savor this feeling right here. This feeling of being surrounded by family, of drinking great wine and of eating delicious food. There is laughter, genuine affection and a general feeling of comfort.

I can say whatever I want and everyone will either laugh hysterically or look at me with an expression of, "What the hell?" and then laugh hysterically anyway. And they're laughing with me, even as they might be laughing at me. This is exactly what I want to feel, all of the time.

But. But. But if I felt this way all of the time I wouldn't appreciate this feeling as much right now, would I? Or would I? There's this whole idea that you don't appreciate the good times without the bad times, the light without the dark, you know? I have always wished I had the opportunity to prove that wrong.

I don't know that it's possible, though. To prove that idea wrong. I've always had the bad times to interrupt the good times. Always. That's probably life. I doubt anyone has all good times, all the time. I really doubt that.

However, the week from Christmas to New Year's Eve is the perfect time to enjoy that great feeling 24/7. I'm flying to Utah to spend 4 days with Paul and his Utah family on Wednesday. That's going to be 4 days of Utah partying. And I only work one day this week. I get paid for 5 days but I'm only working 4 days. I'm having a great week.

I love this feeling, whether it lasts or not. And it probably won't. But I love it all the more because of that.

Kids' Take on New Parenting

2011-12-17T20:45:00.000-07:00

Samuel is harassing Miriam about something trivial.

She's exasperated and says to me, "Mom, make him stop this!"

I calmly reply, "You're a smart kid, you can work this out."

Miriam asks, "Why don't you ever help us out any more?!"

Solomon jumps in with, "It's not that she's isn't helping us. She's just letting us figure stuff out on our own. How else can we learn?"

Changing My Parenting

2011-12-14T11:12:00.000-07:00

I've never been very big on self-help books or parenting books or anything like that. They're preachy and condescending and annoying. I am the authority on me and I don't need someone with a PhD to tell me how to deal with the stuff in my life. Right?

But then one morning a few weeks ago I had a near-breakdown over not having enough time for breakfast or sleep or homework or to get to school and work on time or to do chores or to relax. Not enough time for anything. I yelled at the kids again and they continued to move at their snail's pace and they continued to walk away from their backpacks and jackets instead of picking them up and putting them on.

I have had this terrible thought over the last few weeks that I haven't been teaching my children responsibility. Rather, I've been teaching them to respond to my yelling and frustration. I'm talking at them until I'm blue in the face and my blood pressure is 162/98 and they're still forgetting that they need to take a snack to school or that they need to wear gloves when it's 19F outside. I'm e-mailing their teachers weekly about homework and missed tests and issues with classmates. I'm not doing them any favors like this.

So right then and there, leaning on the kitchen counter and breathing deeply, I bought "Parenting with Love and Logic" with the Amazon app on my phone. It was one of those moments when I've just had enough. Or too much. I'd had too much and I couldn't take it any more.

When the book arrived I read half of it that same evening. It's so simple, it's brilliant. The premise is that kids are adults in training and if you don't treat them like that, they'll eventually become adults -- 'cause that's biology -- that act like kids -- 'cause that is what you brought them up to be. It's much easier to let kids mess up now than it is to let them loose in the world where messing up means you lose a job or a house or worse.

So I've started stepping back. I've stopped e-mailing the teachers, I've stopped pushing the homework, I've stopped the reminders about snacks, jackets and bed time. That's done.

Instead of harping on weather appropriate clothing, I've told the kids what the weather is supposed to be like and let them dress however they think they'll be most comfortable. If they don't wear snow boots and it snows and they have to walk home in it, they'll likely remember to take their boots next time there is snow in the weather report.

Instead of stressing out over a pre-set bedtime and getting all bent out of shape when it doesn't happen, I've laid out 2 requirements: 1) teeth must be brushed and 2) I don't see or hear any children in this house after 8:30, unless there is an emergency. If they're exhausted at wake up time, they'll probably decide that getting a little more sleep is wise.

Instead of mediating the spats and the bickering I calmly suggest that they go some where else, together or alone, and deal with it however they think is best. They're more likely to learn that hearing each other out, sticking up for themselves, making sincere apologies and having some patience work out problems rather well most of the time.

Instead of nagging the kids about leaving their things lying around, I've instituted the nightly sweep. At 8:00 PM anything that is lying around in the common areas of the house is confiscated and place in the Confiscation Box. On Sundays the sweep occurs at 5:00 PM and includes bedrooms. Things that have been confiscated can be earned back by doing a chore.

Some amazing things have happened since all the Insteads were instituted. The most amazing thing is that the house runs much more smoothly and there is a much lower level of stress for all of us. I'm not so uptight because I've stopped making the kids' problems into my problems. They're less stressed because I'm not hassling them all the time.

It's been slow going, but the kids are definitely stepping up and taking responsibility for a lot more things in their daily lives. The mistakes they have made, while not catastrophic -- let's face it, they're kids -- have been true learning opportunities. They take ownership of them and they work out some way to fix it, the best they can. They're more likely to say to me that they messed up because it's no longer my "job" to preach to them about how they should have done things differently. I listen to them and I ask them how they're going to fix things. That's it.

This is the simplest and best change I've ever made to our home life. I love it.

Expectations of Perfection

2011-12-11T10:41:00.003-07:00

Solomon's first band concert was last week. We have looked forward to this for weeks. He is in both beginning band and beginning jazz band. It's his favorite class. Band was always my favorite class, too so I'm excited to see him this involved and engaged.

After the beginning bands played we heard the 7th and 8th grade bands. I have to admit I was underwhelmed. I thought, "I was once in junior high band. I was once a musician with this level of experience. And I don't think we sounded so ... unpolished?" And then I reined myself in and thought what any reasonable adult should think when looking back onto experiences in their youth -- which is, "My frame of reference is skewed. Of course we sounded unpolished. We were 13."

On Friday night Jennifer, Caleb, Lance and I got to talking about what we remembered of our band experiences. They all had the same thoughts I did during the band performances. (Can I just say that it meant the world to both Solomon and me that they all came to the concert? How fantastic is this family?) Lance, being Lance, has recordings of his 9th grade concert performances and they're even on his iPhone. So we did what anyone reliving their glory days of junior high band would do and we listened to one of them. It's a piece called Havendance that my band also did in 9th grade. It was my favorite concert piece ever. It's demanding, difficult, beautiful and so extremely fun to play.

You know what? It sounded amazing, even coming from the tinny iPhone speaker. The instruments were in tune, there was one tempo. The dynamics blew me away. So my frame of reference isn't as skewed as I thought it was. We really were as good as we remembered.

Now, for a bit more reference. Lance, Jennifer, Caleb and I all went to junior high in the same school district. Caleb went to a different junior high than the other three of us but we knew his school and his band and he knew ours. We went against each other regularly at all-region competitions for concert band and marching band. We all went to the same high school. Lance was a few years behind me in school, Jennifer and Caleb were two years behind me. Jennifer and Caleb are the only two of us who played in the same band for the same years during high school. Also, when I compare the 8th grade band here to the 9th grade band of which we were a part, I'm comparing students who've all had 3 years of band experience. Middle school here is grades 6 to 8 and junior high there is grades 7 to 9.

Since we could hear such a vast difference in musicality between the 8th grade band of a few nights ago and our 9th grade bands of years ago we started talking about what the difference could be. We've come to the conclusion that since, as a group, 12- to 14-year-olds are capable of the same basic things, it lies in the director.

Our junior high band director and the directors we had in high school were smart, passionate about music, passionate about teaching kids music. They told funny and corny jokes. But when it was time to rehearse, they could turn into the meanest, toughest, ugliest guys in the world. They were perfectionists and they expected us to be perfectionists. Making a mistake due to inattention was not tolerated. We tuned ourselves against a devil of a tuner with an eternally spinning wheel. When we had trouble sticking to one tempo, the Evil Metronome of Death was hooked up to a PA system and that beat was broadcast throughout the band hall at a deafening volume until we succumbed to it and, by God, we played in tempo. It wasn't uncommon for one person to be singled out as the one who was missing the run of 16th notes in the 58th measure. That one person then played those 16th notes alone half a dozen times in front of everyone until they were right. I remember more than one temper tantrum from a director that consisted of throwing a baton, knocking over his music stand and stomping back and forth across the room.

Solomon's band director is a very sweet, personable woman. She clearly loves what she does, she loves teaching, she loves music. The kids love her back. I haven't spent any time in her rehearsals so I can't say what happens in them. But if I were a betting person, I'd bet she doesn't tune kids and their instruments against a machine. I'd bet there is no Evil Metronome of Death in her band hall. I'd bet she does not stress to her musicians the importance of watching for down beats, for cues about when the melody cuts from the flutes to the clarinets. I'd bet she does not express disappointment when things are not played the way they are supposed to be played. I can be reasonably sure of winning all of those bets because what we saw and heard on Thursday night does not reflect a director the expects, demands and gets everything of which 8th grade musicians are capable.

I believe that my band directors bordered on abusive. If a parent treated a child the way we were treated as a group, it would warrant intervention of some kind. There's no doubt about that in my mind. But you know what? My band experience is one I would not trade for anything. We had extreme pride in our performances, no matter what the venue. We were really good and we knew it. Despite the yelling, the occasional humiliation and the frustration with not always being perfect, I never questioned enrolling in band every year. I felt affection for my directors and consider them some of the most influential teachers in my entire school career. Other people with a similar experience have told me they feel the same way.

I would venture to say that if we hadn't been as good as we were, if we hadn't had so much pride in what we did as musical students, we wouldn't have loved it so much. And our excellence, our pride, was a direct result of the way we were taught. I hope that the lack of pressure and the lack of expectation to work harder than he has before does not deter Solomon from future years of band enrollment. I want him to make it to high school band where there might be a director that demands the best.

Satisfaction

2011-12-03T09:58:00.002-07:00

Beginning a new job is nerve-wracking. After the initial search, the call for an interview and all the interviewing. there's finally an offer and an acceptance. Then the nerves jump in.

First, there is the prospect of learning so much new information. There are new processes, work flows, co-workers, a new computer system, new bosses, new everything. It's daunting.

Then there is the whole deal with getting to know new people, as people, not just as co-workers. Personalities and work ethics are intricate things and each new one presents a new opportunity to learn something one wants to emulate or not emulate. And one must decide how one's personal philosophies line up with one's co-workers' philosophies.

On top of all of that is a much bigger issue: proving oneself to the new work world. "Can I prove to them that hiring me was a good choice?" "Will they regret hiring me and wish they'd chosen another candidate?" "Do I even want to prove anything to them?"

Well. I've now been at my new job for more than three months. I'm off the 90-day probationary period where I could be ~~let go~~ fired for anything. (Colorado is an at-will state but I'm part of a union now so I'm protected, to an extent. I don't expect to need the union for something like that but it's comforting to know it's there.) I can safely say that I like all of my co-workers. The doctors with whom I work are fun, funny, down-to-earth people. The environment of the clinic where I work is positive and professional with an air of "we like being here, we're in this together and we're all doing our best."

Furthermore, I've received several compliments on my work from various staff members and patients. During a team meeting after just four weeks of being there one of the doctors remarked that it seemed like I was more experienced than just those four weeks. I have received two personal commendations. A patient's parent sent an e-mail to the chief of my department telling her how I made her day. People come to me and genuinely want to know my opinion. I feel like I'm valued.

And I am satisfied that I have proven myself. These people want me there and I want to be there.

They like me. They really, really like me!

(And all this is not to say that I didn't feel these things at my previous job. I'm just very happy and grateful that I have found job satisfaction again.)

Snowy Day

2011-12-03T09:32:00.000-07:00

Our "porch" and front "walk."

Notice I did not say "Snow Day." A snowy day is merely a day with lots of snow. A Snow Day, capital letters necessary, means a day with lots of snow wherein school and/or work are canceled. We had a Snow Day a month ago and it was fun. This week we are on our second snowy day in three days. I'm loving it, especially because I do not have to work either of these days.

On Thursday we awoke to a few inches of snow with more falling onto it. Snow continued to fall for several hours. It took an hour and a half to get my three offspring to their schools. That was not fun. Not fun at all. I really think they should have called an hour's delay, but whatever. After that was done I made a quick stop at the produce market for rump roast (On sale! I love sales!) and fresh veggies. The day before I had stocked up on pantry staples during my lunch break.

When I got home I made three loaves of bread -- one Italian, two of the regular sandwich loaves I make every week -- and started a lovely, aromatic, meaty Bolognese sauce. I shoveled snow, sipped coffee and watched several episodes of Parenthood from last season. It was a beautiful day. :sigh:

And today. Today, we awoke to more snow falling on the snow from 2 days ago. I have great plans of straightening up the house and putting up our tree while watching our favorite Christmas movies and listening to our holiday play list. We have Elf and A Christmas Story cued up. We'll probably search Netflix for more options this evening. I also want to take a nice photo of the kids in the snow for our holiday letter. Yes, I'm one of those people that likes to ~~brag about~~ share what her family has been up to for the last year. Today is going to be a beautiful day, too.

Disturbing Thoughts

2011-11-20T22:38:00.001-07:00

When Solomon was a tiny infant I was plagued by ugly thoughts. I don't know if it was post-partum depression or simply the result of realizing just how helpless a newborn infant is or what. I just remember sitting on the edge of my bed and staring into his completely helpless face for hours and thinking to myself, "There are people who would harm a tiny child just like this." It was a terribly depressing and devastating thought. It kept me awake, and for a mother who's just given birth, is feeding a baby every 45 minutes and isn't sleeping much, that's saying a lot.

In the last year I've had similar thoughts when tucking my children into bed at night. For the most part, my children are not wanting for anything. They have food, shelter, clothes that fit, support, respect, affection, a mother and father and extended family that love them more than anything, more toys than they can count. They are fortunate children, whether they know it or not. They have a good life. Sure, there are things they want that they cannot have. But they are not lacking in anything they need to become successful human beings.

There are times when I tuck them into bed at night -- clean, fed, warm, safe -- that I am overcome with sadness for the children that aren't. The children that go to bed with a pitifully empty stomach or fearing for their own safety enter my mind and I am so saddened and disturbed that I cannot stand it.

Miriam has always been a fan of bedtime. As a 6-month-old baby she put herself on a sleep schedule that allowed her two naps per day, an early bedtime and a consistent wake-up time. She loves bed time. She's the only one of my three children who will willingly say to me, "Mommy, I want to go to sleep." She adheres to bedtime as if it's written in stone. She loves the routine of putting on pajamas, brushing her teeth, brushing her hair and being tucked in. When I tell her good night and kiss her cheeks, she's the happiest she's been all day. Her innocence and sweetness are heartbreaking in contrast to the children who do not get the same.

Every child deserves to go to bed with a full stomach, knowing that a good night's sleep is ahead and that security is on the other side of that night. But they don't. And there's not a damn thing I can do about it.

Thanksgiving Menu

2011-11-20T22:18:00.000-07:00

I have no time off work for Thanksgiving except the actual day of Thanksgiving. This means I am not leaving Colorado. I took the kids to meet the ex-husband today and now I am back home. And by home, I mean Paul's house. Paul's house with wine, cheese and This is Spinal Tap, which we just finished watching. But that is neither here nor there.

What is both here and there is the Thanksgiving Menu. It is as follows:

Turkey, brined in a savory brine per Paul's request
mashed potatoes, a la butter and cream cheese and heavy cream
cranberry sauce
the most delectable, buttery, flaky dinner rolls that you have ever had the pleasure of melting onto your tongue (at least, I think this is the recipe I use. I for sure have it saved on my phone. But my phone is charging on the other side of the room and I do not want to get up from this chair.)
cranberry bars, a la Starbucks

That is the stuff that I am cooking. I am having Paul and Cole to my place. We have invited Jen and Scottie and Branden and Lance. We have also invited board games and music. We're gonna have a good time.

Paul is providing copious amounts of wine and a pumpkin pie. Lance is bringing canned cranberry sauce (his Thanksgiving staple) and some sort of salad, as yet to be determined. Jen will cook:

stuffing (which is totally To. Die. For. And I'm not even a stuffing person. Unless Jen makes it.)
green bean casserole
gravy
apple pie

I was going to attempt cherry pie but I attempted a cherry pie from cherries in my backyard a couple of weeks ago. I bombed. Completely bombed. I ~~think~~ know that my cherries were canned too liquidy. Unfortunately I am unsure how to remedy this. And now I'm out of cherries except for the ones that have been designated for cherry-infused vodka. Le sigh.

The point is that Thanksgiving will be a rockin', delicious time, as per usual.

True Feminism

2011-11-12T11:41:00.002-07:00

I've been mulling over this idea for more than a year. I've wanted to write about it for almost that long but I haven't been able to find the words. A cousin posted something related to this on Facebook recently so I've been thinking about it more. I'm still not sure I have the words but I've decided just to take the plunge any way.

Feminism as a word has become distorted. People misuse it and misrepresent it. They use it as an insult or they're insulted by it.

Feminism as a movement was necessary and wonderful. It was the civil rights movement for women. It was a time when women decided they weren't going to be told what to do by men or by society just because they were women. It was a time when women said that it doesn't matter if your chromosomes are XY or XX, you should have choices and you should have a voice.

Feminism today has morphed into this ugly, distorted idea that women are better than men. I don't think that's what any Suffragists meant when they marched for their rights. I think they wanted true equality. I think they'd be horrified at the man-bashing that happens in so much of society now.

I see women today give their husbands and partners nasty looks that they'd never tolerate themselves. I hear them say things about their men and to their men that are truly horrifying. I hear condescension and patronization and disgust in their voices. It's every where -- on television, in music, in daily conversation, in sweeping generalizations.

I know that not all women enjoy all the benefits that men do. I know that in other parts of the world, the plight of women is as horrible as it's always been. I know that even in the United States not all women make what their male counterparts make in the same careers. I know that. For most of us, however, life is good and getting better. And it certainly does not justify the anger that some women harbor toward men at just being a woman.

The pendulum has swung too far in the other direction in a lot of respects. It's not right.

The flip side of this are the women who say with horror, "Oh, I'm not a feminist!" as if it were some horrible condition requiring an exorcism. And to that I say, what's so wrong with being a feminist? What's wrong with being on equal footing with men? What's wrong with embracing all the choices you have and picking something you love because you love it, not because you're supposed to? What's wrong with not depending on a man to provide and lead and make decisions?

Being a feminist does not mean giving up on marrying, having children, making a home, even staying at home to raise children while foregoing a career outside the home. Being a feminist does not mean you're automatically a power-mongering, money-grabbing bitch. Being a feminist means that you support your rights and the rights of other women to choose what to do with life. It means that you have freedom. It is not a bad thing.

The Good, The Bad and The Really Bad (Not Necessarily in That Order)

2011-11-12T11:05:00.001-07:00

This week started off really crappily. I was in a foul mood all day Saturday, for no good reason really. I have a sneaking suspicion it was :ahem: hormone-related. Whatever it was I just could not snap out of it. I was grumpy and feeling bad and being short-tempered with the kids. And that made me feel even worse. Ugh.

Sunday morning I forced myself to have a better attitude. I took Solomon and Miriam to Jennifer's house and left them there so I could spend some time with Samuel alone. I've been aiming to do this for quite some time but it's hard to make time for stuff like that.

Samuel wanted to go to Downtown Aquarium so we went and spent a couple of hours looking at all sorts of sea creatures. It's as pretty fantastic place. We got to see a worker feed a tank of piranha. We watched "mermaids" put on a show about cleaning up the oceans. Then we ate lunch aquarium-side in the restaurant there. We had a great time and it was a good way to start the week.

Monday and Tuesday were pretty crappy days mood-wise again. I did get to meet with Miriam's teacher on Tuesday morning and have a conference with both of them. It was nice to hear Miriam talk through her self-assessment in a grown up voice that I've only recently begun to hear from her. She's developing a confidence and a voice that I was unsure she ever would. She's such an amazing kid.

Wednesday morning Solomon and I missed his bus. As a result, I missed the conference with Samuel's teacher and drove Solomon to school instead. At lunch time things started looking up. I finally got the snow tires put on my car after a couple of weeks of wrangling with the people at the tire place. That's a whole other story. Anyway, one of the guys there gave me a great deal on certificates for the tires and I got a discount just because of the company where I work.

I re-scheduled the conference with Samuel's teacher for that evening. We talked about his struggles with focusing on work and with speech. She showed me his work samples and how well he's doing when he can actually complete the work. Fortunately in third grade they grade what's been completed so his report card looks great. I still worry about later years when everything is graded regardless of completeness. But we still have a couple of years before that. For now I'm grateful that he's smart and that he tries so hard. And I am eternally grateful that he was matched with this teacher. She is a gift. She works with Samuel so much and is so flexible and so understanding and truly appreciates the good in him.

Also on Wednesday I got a digital antenna for our TV. I had been using Paul's rabbit ears to pick up local stations since the conversion to digital TV but they weren't getting ABC. The kids and I watch Once Upon a Time on Sunday evening on ABC but we're missing more than we're seeing because the reception is so bad. Anyway, Paul helped me get my antenna and set it up.

Thursday was a good day because the kids didn't have school on Friday which meant Thursday night we didn't have to do any homework. Any night there is no homework is a fabulous night for that reason only.

Yesterday was a phenomenal day. A co-worker agreed to give up two of her holiday days so I could have them. I had put in a request for December 29 and 30 in hopes of going to Utah with Paul for New Year's Eve. I knew it would be denied because I'm the lowest on the totem pole and everyone else put in their holiday requests months ago. It was denied. But then a friend gave up her two New Year's Eve days for me and now I get to be off work! Woot! She really did not have to do that but I am so grateful that she did.

Also yesterday, I got a call from the art teacher at the elementary school. She told me that she's awarding Samuel a High Flyer Award for his work and his behavior in her class. This is the highest award the kids can get at their school. Solomon got one in third grade and Miriam got one in second grade. I had been hoping Samuel would get one. And now he is!

I was very worried that I wouldn't get to be at the award assembly for that because it's next Tuesday morning when I'm supposed to be at work. I told my boss what a big deal it is and she said it that we'd work out something for me to be there. Another co-worker agreed to trade shifts with me so that I'm the late person that day and my boss approved the use of 2 hours of flex time so I can come in late after the award assembly. Best of all, Samuel has no idea that he's getting this award yet or that I'm going to be there. I am so excited!

In addition to both of those wonderful things, I had to leave Solomon here all day while I was work and Samuel and Miriam went to day care. He's done it before but I always worry. Yesterday I laid out some plans for him like I always do -- a couple of chores to do, make up homework, food that he could eat, etc. He made me so proud. He planned out all of his homework and completed it! And he not only did the chores I asked, but he did extra! And he practiced his trombone for an hour. He's such a fantastic kid.

Last night I had Jennifer, Caleb, Lance and Paul over for games and food. We haven't done that in a long time because of new jobs and new schools and so much life craziness getting in the way. We had a great time and I was reminded of just how fortunate I am.

This Keeps Happening

2011-10-31T21:52:00.001-06:00

Grrr. I keep going a month or more between postings. I don't know what my problem is, other than parenting full time and working full time. Hardy-har-har. Actually, (and seriously, I'm kinda embarrassed to say this publicly but here it is -- ) it's much more difficult to open my laptop, log in, and navigate to this page than it is to unlock my iPhone and play Words with Friends or Angry Birds or the like. It's so much easier that I do that most of the time.

I hate that I do that, too. I can feel my brain turning to mush because I have not stimulated the writing neurons that exist up there. They're being pushed to the side by the neurons that fling birds at pigs and concoct such thrilling words as "QI" or "ZA" for 8,762 points. (Not really. 8,762 points, that is. They are being shoved into the nether regions of my brain.)

In the time since I last posted anything meaningful, the kids have returned home for the school year (and gone to ABQ for fall break and returned from that, too.), I have started a new job, the gardens have been put to bed, I've taken countless pictures that I want to show you and we've had a couple of snowstorms. Jeez, I kinda stink at this whole blogging thing.

I hope to get back into it. I really do love it. Maybe this will provide the stimulus to actually sit down with the laptop and a cup of coffee on Saturday morning.

Day 15, A Song that Describes Me

2011-09-12T21:48:00.000-06:00

Keep drinkin' coffee
Stare me down across the table
While I look outside

So many things I'd say if only I were able
But I just keep quiet
And count the cars that pass by

You've got opinions, man
We're all entitled to 'em
But I never asked

So let me thank you for time
And try to not waste any more of mine
Get out of here fast

I hate to break it to you babe
But I'm not drowning
There's no one here to save

Who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

You sound so innocent
All full of good intent
You swear you know best

But you expect me to
Jump up on board with you
Ride off into your delusional sunset

I'm not the one who's lost
With no direction oh
But you won't ever see

You're so busy makin' maps
With my name on them in all caps
You got the talkin' down just not the listening

And who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

All my life
I've tried
To make everybody happy while I
Just hurt
And hide
Waitin' for someone to tell me it's my turn
To decide

Who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

Who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

Let me hold your crown, babe

I'm posting the lyrics to this song because they're so powerful. This song compares and contrasts the old me with the new me. It's my personal anthem. Every time I hear it, it's a reminder never to take my own independence for granted. I've got smarts and I'm not afraid to use them. I don't deserve someone else's maps, someone's delusional sunset. I deserve to go where I want to go because I want to go there. And I will go there, dammit.

Ten Years

2011-09-11T21:31:00.000-06:00

It's surreal. I can't seem to grasp that I lived at a time when something so horrible happened, that I saw it with my own eyes. Even though it was on television the horror was so tangible.

Solomon had the assignment to talk to me about 9/11 for one of his classes. I told him the grim facts just like I have a few times before. But then I told him how terrifying it was. How saddening to think about that much hate causing that many lost lives. I told him what I saw and how it has affected me. I told him that I still can't understand why or how. I think he's old enough now to hear more than just the bare bones story.

I watched a documentary on CBS called 9/11: Ten Years Later. It was very well done and I think it's because the two brothers who filmed it didn't even know what they were filming. They started out to tell the story of a young firefighter working his way through the ranks in FDNY and ended up getting a front row seat to the carnage that was and is 9/11. They told the story with such grace and sensitivity that I got chills several times.

I want to go to Ground Zero some day. I don't know anyone who was lost there but I feel like it's important to go anyway. It's part of life as an American now.

Day 14, A Song People Wouldn't Expect Me to Like

2011-08-30T22:21:00.000-06:00

This video is really long, like ridiculously long. I first posted a different version on Facebook but that one had disabled embedding so I couldn't put it up and I had to settle for this one instead.

I think this category is a little weird. One, I don't know what people expect me to like. Two, I don't care. I've gone to great lengths to stop thinking so much about what people expect of me and focus more on what I expect of myself.

Anyway, I thought that an older song might be something that people wouldn't expect me to like and I really love this song by Dire Straits so I decided to post it. Then I was telling Paul about it and he said that he would totally expect me to like this song and I said that was because he knows me better than most people do. So Paul started trying to think of something that I like that he wouldn't expect me to like.

After some discussion he finally thought of dubstep. And of course, he's right. I hadn't even heard of dubstep until a few months ago when Paul and Cole told me about it. Dubstep isn't a specific song, it's a genre of music that Paul really didn't think I would like. But I did. So here's a sample.

Day 13, A Guilty Pleasure Song

2011-08-29T19:21:00.001-06:00

I think guilty pleasure means that in some part of yourself you think it's not okay to like something but you do anyway, consequences be damned. So this song is only categorized as a guilty pleasure song if there is some reason I should not like it or some reason I should not like Christina Aguilera.

If I were a lesser person I might say that Christina Aguilera's music is a little *ahem* bubble gum-my. Or I might say that her "Dirty" phase was a touch crass. Or I might say that the tendency to call her Xtina bugs me because of the whole Xmas and Xtian thing. But I try not to be a lesser person so I'm not saying those things.

What I am saying is that I love this song because it makes me feel very RAWR on days when I don't even feel very meow. I like that the song is full of contrasting imagery because I very often feel that way myself. I can be up, I can be down, I can be weak or strong, happy or sad.

Day 12, A Song by a Band I Hate

2011-08-28T21:42:00.001-06:00

I have nothing against this particular band or this particular song. However, I absolutely detest this genre of music. Can't stand it. Not even a little bit. I hate that the rhythm follows the weird up beats on

Every.
Single.

Song.

I hate the constant, repetitive accordion. I hate that the lead singers in these types of bands always force their voices through the larynx and into the nasal cavity. I hate that they never sound like they have enough air. I hate it all. It's nauseating.

I didn't even listen to the whole song because it makes me want to pierce my tympanic membranes with a blunt stick. I just googled this band and this was the first song that came up. So here it is, in all its gut-wrenching, brain-grating glory.

Day 11, A Song by My Favorite Band

2011-08-27T10:36:00.001-06:00

Bendita la luz - Mana y Juan luis guerra by sanshiro

Just like favorite song, I cannot choose a favorite band. But if I had to choose one band to listen to for the rest of my life, it would be Maná. Or Adele. Or Depeche Mode. Or maybe Steely Dan. Or maybe they'd just have to kill me. What? You know, the people making me choose just one band's music for life -- they'd have to inflict whatever consequences there are when I couldn't choose one band to listen to for life. Side note: I don't really understand that whole dilemma when people say, "If I had to choose just one band/food/shirt/color/whatever for the rest of my life ..." Who is going to make you do that?

Or! There's this song, done by the above band covering it after it was originally recorded by Marco Antonio Solis.

Day 10, A Song That Makes Me Fall Asleep

2011-08-26T21:50:00.001-06:00

I can't think of a single song that will actually make me fall asleep or even feel sleepy. The box fan in my bedroom, though? Puts me right out. But that's neither here nor there.

Once upon a time Miriam was the happiest, mellowest, most pleasant baby ever known to man. Until it was time to ride in the car. The instant she was strapped into that car seat she morphed into the angriest, scream-iest, most stressful baby ever. And then one day the ex-husband and I discovered that this song instantly tamed her. She stopped crying, she fell asleep and we arrived at our destination much less harried. We wore out that CD.

Miriam still adores this song. It's on her MP3 player and she listens to it regularly. And you know what? She's one of the happiest, mellowest, most pleasant little girls ever. Until it's time to ride in the car. Just kidding! She did grow out of that.

Day 9, A Song to Which I Can Dance

2011-08-26T21:29:00.000-06:00

This is the only thing to which I can dance. I am sorely lacking in the rhythm department.. Also, if you do not like having this song run through your head all week I suggest not actually viewing the video.

Day 8, A Song to Which I Know All the Words

2011-08-24T19:07:00.000-06:00

One thing I cannot abide is the atrocious grammar in the posted rules for the 30 Day Song Challenge. Today's title says, "a song that you know all the words to". I don't consider myself to have perfect grammar but I do make an effort. That whole thing about the ending preposition is just something I cannot stomach. So I'm being a nerd and re-wording the title.

So here we have it -- a beautiful melody by Amos Lee. It's mellow, it's pretty, it's kind of melancholy sounding. I love it. And I know all of the words. That's not something I can say about very many songs.

Earth Weirdness

2011-08-23T19:56:00.004-06:00

Last night we got home from the Astros' game about 11:00 and the kids went straight to bed. I did too but I didn't sleep right away. I have to catch up on Words with Friends you know. That takes a while. Plus, I just updated Angry Birds Rio and this requires that I attempt all levels as soon as possible.

So there I was, lying in bed freeing little birdies, killing marmosets and constructing words I didn't know were words until WWF came along. I was just starting to feel sleepy and about to shut off my phone when my bed moved. I am not kidding. It was a very slow, steady movement back and forth, 3 times. At first I thought one of the kids was climbing onto my bed. They weren't.

And then. Then. Then my hyperactive imagination went straight to the Boogey Man. Don't laugh. I had this fear as a kid that there was a Boogey Man under my bed that would grab my ankles when I tried to go to the bathroom or something. For that reason, I always leapt off my bed a good 2 feet or so when I had to pee in the middle of the night.

So what did I do last night? I leapt off my bed, turned on the light and flipped up the dust ruffle, golf club in hand to smash the Boogey Man in the face. There was no Boogey Man. Whew, I dodged a bullet there.

I lay back down wondering what in the world would have caused my bed to move like that. And I had this fleeting thought, "What if it was an earthquake? Is that even possible?" And then I laughed at myself. That's about as likely as the Boogey Man scenario, I thought. And then I went to sleep.

But wait! We did actually have an earthquake in Colorado last night. Its epicenter was near Trinidad, which is one of the two towns where the ex-husband and I meet to trade off the kids. Apparently people felt it a good 75 miles north of here, even. So weird. Maybe I need to re-think the likelihood of this Boogey Man.

And there was another earthquake, a bit bigger, near Washington, D.C. today. What must the incredible odds be of earthquakes as big as these in two places so unused to having earthquakes? In the same 24 hour period? I'm telling you, this is serious weirdness.

Day 7, A Song That Reminds Me of an Event

2011-08-23T19:16:00.000-06:00

This song is one that I have related to for a few years. It reminds me of my move from Texas to Colorado 3 1/2 years ago.

I listened to it repeatedly when I was longing to make that move. It was during that time that I realized home is not as much about the location as it is about the people that are there. Home means comfort, contentment, love and peace. It's the feeling I have inside that tells me I'm in the right place. Every time I hear this song I'm taken back to those feelings of sadness and loneliness and I'm reminded of how good I really have it right here, right now.

P.S. I skipped Day 6, A Song That Reminds Me of Somewhere because a) I couldn't think of one and b) we went to the Rockies vs. Astros game last night and did not get home until reallyreallyreally late.

P.P.S. There was an earthquake last night! No worries -- we are fine. More about that later.

Day 5, A Song That Reminds Me of Someone

2011-08-21T16:01:00.000-06:00

Paul has introduced me to a lot of new music. This is one of the first songs he played that I had never before heard. We were in his old car (old as in he no longer owns it, not old as in actually old) on our second date and he put in a CD to listen to while we drove to Spudnik/High Dive. I was already pretty blown away by this guy and then he showed up in a Subaru and played cool music -- WIN!

I know I sound like the biggest nerd in the world, listening to Layne Staley and drooling over Subarus but hey -- this is who I am. I revel in my nerdiness.

So there you have it. This song reminds me of Paul and always will.

Day 4, A Song That Makes Me Sad

2011-08-20T07:18:00.000-06:00

Johnny Cash's cover of this song is, in my opinion, so much better than Nine Inch Nails. He put so much feeling into the music that I can feel it. Unfortunately, Nine Inch Nails sound like a bunch of emo kids inventing imaginary ills to cry about.

Day 3, A Song that Makes Me Happy

2011-08-19T08:06:00.000-06:00

This isn't actually a music video but that's okay because the 30 Day Song Challenge is not about the video, it's about the music. There might be a Video Killed the Music Star joke in there some where. Let me know if you find it.

Anyway, this is one of my favorite songs because it just oozes happiness. Plus, Marc Broussard's voice is nothing short of amazing. Whenever I'm having a bad day, this song always makes me feel better. Always.

Day 2, My Least Favorite Song

2011-08-18T10:09:00.001-06:00

I despise this song with the heat of a thousand white hot suns. It represents everything that is wrong with most hip hop music today: it's vulgar, unmusical, repetitive, stupid and utilizes no talent whatsoever. I hate it.

For Next Year's Garden

2011-08-18T09:46:00.001-06:00

We have learned a lot in this short bout of gardening. Next year we want to:

Till up more land. We will use the extra space for more pumpkin vines and more of the things we really liked from this year but haven't had much of -- green beans, peas, carrots.
Plant onions and garlic. We cook with these a lot but didn't think to plant any this year.
Plant fewer grape and cherry tomato varieties and more of the bigger ones that are good for canning.
Plant earlier. We realized that we could have planted several of our seeds outdoors much earlier than we did this year. Even with occasional late snow storms in May, many of the plants that do not do well with transplanting can go into the ground in late April.
Rig up a rudimentary greenhouse with plastic sheeting and 1 X 2 lumber pieces, low to the ground. With some strategically placed slits in the plastic we think we can let in plenty of water while still keeping in enough heat to protect the seeds and young plants.
Plant more things directly into the ground and not transplant as much. We have noticed a marked difference in the strength and production of plants that were not transplanted. With the greenhouse system this should be possible.
Plant carrots in stages with several re-plantings all summer. This was recommended by several sources but we didn't get around to doing it this year. Also, give the carrots lots more space. We've thought about dropping a new seed into the hole when we pull a carrot to maximize our space and time.
Cage or trellis the tomatoes and peas much earlier.
Possibly plant only one zucchini and one yellow squash. Those have been prolific producers and we're running out of things to do with them. If my freezing experiment goes well I'd like to plant as much as we did this year because we can eat frozen stuff for a long time. If the freezing does not go well I'm happy with just one plant of each.
Maybe start tomatoes earlier. We're struggling with this decision. Tomatoes take so long to get going that it would be nice to start them earlier. However, they would need to be moved from small peat pots into larger pots and kept inside for several weeks to avoid snow. If they stay in pots all summer we run into problems with getting them enough water because this climate is extremely dry and pots are difficult to keep sufficiently watered. And there isn't an easy way to water pots if we're gone for several days at a time. I think we could start Siberian tomatoes (the colder weather variety) inside in March and then move them outside into our greenhouse contraption in April. Maybe.
Plant lettuces. They're a cooler weather plant (I had no idea!) and we could definitely put those in our green house in the spring.
Maybe apply some sort of weed killing treatment to the soil early on in the spring. The weeds have been out of control and it's very frustrating. We're conflicted about this, too. On one hand we like the idea of keeping this organic and using only natural products. On the other hand -- Weeds! Argh!
Plant some strawberries and raspberries. I made jam out of the sour cherries in my back yard and it's delicious. I'd like to make more jam of different kinds because we like it but it's difficult to find any in the grocery store without HFCS in it.

So far this is what we've discussed doing differently. I'll probably be updating this list as the garden progresses through the end of summer and into fall.

Gardening Endeavours

2011-08-17T23:59:00.002-06:00

I've meant to write about our garden for months and months. But I kept running into other things to do and then more time passed and the prospect of writing such a long post and adding so many pictures to it seemed so daunting. But this is me, finally sitting down to write about this project. It could take a few days of editing and revising.

Paul started by hiring a guy with a tiller to come out and till up the plot. They mixed in a bunch of soil amendments since the soil in Colorado tends to be very alkaline and most veggies do better in more acidic soil. They rolled out sheets of weed blocking material and then Paul arranged soaker hoses over the weed block. This was in late March.

A couple of weeks after that Paul purchased a soil test kit and we tested our soil's pH and its content of nitrogen, potassium and phosphorus.

Around this time we began planting seeds in paper egg cartons and peat pots. We planted several varieties of tomatoes and peppers, watermelons, two types of cucumbers, broccoli and pumpkins. We also purchased seeds for green beans, peas, yellow squash, zucchini, cantaloupe, beets and carrots. We didn't start any of these in cups because their instructions stated that they are best started outdoors and do not transplant well.

We tended our seedlings indoors for almost a month with about 10 days of outdoor hardening and then finally decided that it was time to put some outside. We did this on May 14th. On May 15th we had a huge storm that lasted for 48 hours. We got several inches of freezing rain and snow and gave up completely on the idea that any of our plants would survive. Fortunately, we had only transplanted about half of our seedlings so we still had some to work with.

Near the end of May we started our outdoor seeds and moved the rest of the seedlings outside. Everything transplanted pretty well. I think we lost a couple of cucumbers and some peppers but we had plenty of both left. By this point most of the snowstorm transplants had died and we pulled them up to make room for healthier plants. We had a few tomato plants persevere -- namely a variety called Siberian that is cultivated in colder climates and can produce fruit all the way until the first frost. We had a sturdy pumpkin vine pull through as well.

By this time we were getting really frustrated with the weed block material. It's kind of a pain to work around and it doesn't do much to block the growth of weeds. We've found ourselves reaching under the sheets to pull weeds that are out of our reach otherwise. Quite annoying. The one thing it is good for is holding in water that might evaporate from the soil without some extra cover. We haven't decided if this is a worthy trade off yet.

It's difficult to tell from this photo but the weed block sheets are bulging up due to the large masses of weeds beneath them. Weed block my foot. And of course there are lots of weeds between the rows. We weren't worried about those because we walked on them so much they weren't much of a problem. A couple of weeks after this photo we realized that some of the weeds are climbing, viney species. They like to use the stems of our plants for climbing. So every once in a while we have to untwist a vine from a plant so it doesn't strangle.

It wasn't long before we began seeing flowers on many of our plants. This was so exciting! It was tangible evidence that something was going right. It would still be a long, long time before we got anything edible but that didn't matter. We were growing things!

Broccoli is a strange plant. We have 16 of them and they're huge. Not as big as zucchini plants but pretty darn close. They've all had a tiny sprout like this in them but they progress quickly from this to all out flowering if you don't watch closely. Flowering broccoli is bad because that means it's done and you won't get any more broccoli. So we're being careful to snap off the sprouts in hopes of getting bigger sprouts.

The green beans have been delicious and plentiful. We're going to plant more of them next year because we've enjoyed them so much this year. These were our first beans, quite tiny little things. They quickly grew to a nice, edible size and they've continued to produce well for several weeks.

The peas haven't done very well. They got hit pretty hard by a rabbit or two and the wind was really harsh to them. We've decided they need more trellising than most of our tomatoes.

The first things we harvested were squash and zucchini. Those plants are taking off like you wouldn't believe. Well, you might, especially if you've ever grown your own squashes. They thrive in Colorado. Actually, they more than thrive -- we need a new word for how well these suckers grow here. It's kind of insane.

The pumpkin vine is growing a good sized pumpkin but it's just growing that one. We have decided that we will plant 4 vines next year in hopes of getting one pumpkin from each so all four kids can have their own pumpkin to do with whatever they would like.

We have some promising looking peppers, both sweet and hot varieties. The tomato plants are laden with green fruit. I can't wait until they ripen. We're going to have a canning party! And lots of fresh salsa!

We learned that carrots need way more room to grow than we thought and that it's really worth it just to plant one seed at a time, no matter how tiny they are. We had to thin them mercilessly and we missed out on a lot of food that way. Also, the ones left behind have been puny and not as sweet as I'd like.

This is a cantaloupe. We planted these because Miriam loves, loves, loves cantaloupe. I really hope we get something edible from this vine. There are half a dozen small fruits growing. I heard from another, much more experienced gardener that they don't do very well here. We'll see I guess.

This is an eggplant plant. We purchased two from the local garden supply store when we heard that they do well here. It was late in the season to start new seeds and we wanted to try our hand at eggplants so here it is. No fruit yet but they do produce some beautiful purple blossoms.

This is our first lemon cucumber. These little things were a fun surprise. I'd never heard of them until I saw the seeds at the store. I am so glad we have them, though. The green variety we're growing has very bitter skin and we're pickling most of them. The lemon cucumbers are perfect, though. Exactly what summer should taste like!

Beets did absolutely nothing. We even planted a second round of several beet seeds when we realized none of the first round had sprouted and still got nothing. I'm not disappointed as I do not like beets. Paul likes them though so he was kind of bummed about that.

And this is just a plain gorgeous look at several yummy things we harvested! We did it! We're doing it -- growing our own food!

Day 1, My Favorite Song

2011-08-17T23:37:00.000-06:00

Apparently I've become a terrible blogger. In an attempt to get myself back into the groove I'm doing the 30 Day Song Challenge which means I have to post at least one thing every day. I think this is really a Facebook thing (it's where I got the idea and the rules and such) but I want to have all these songs easily searchable by me so I'm putting them here, too.

There is no way I could ever pick a favorite song of all time but this is a current favorite. Love the harmonies, love the style, especially love the video and how it perfectly complements the style of the music. Superb all around.

Well, Hello There!

2011-06-19T11:51:00.000-06:00

Yes, I'm still in existence, although I think I've forgotten how to blog. It's been about 2 months, hasn't it? Ah, well, I have good reasons. Reasons like moving and finals (in the same week! Egads!), the kids' many end-of-year engagements at school, me starting the summer term, getting accepted to nursing school and then the nursing program shutting down. (Yes, they really closed it. Grrr.) So that's what's been up.

First things first -- we got into the new house. It's awesome. The open space has become the kids' new favorite place to play. We have the second (or fourth, depending on how you look at it) unit in a row of 5 so there are neighbors on either side of us. One of the units is empty and the other has a very quiet, very nice family living in it. I can only hear them very faintly on the rarest of occasions. And it's never screaming swear words and such. I'm growing some flowers in the front yard and trying to grow some vegetables in the back. Paul and I are planting my herb garden this afternoon.

Speaking of gardening, our massive veggie garden in Paul's backyard is doing quite well. We have no actual food yet but it's getting there. And it's a lot of work. A whole lot of work. But it's rewarding and we are having a good time with it. We're also taking notes so we can do this better next year because we have learned a lot in the short time we've been working on this.

The kids have left to spend the summer with the ex-husband and the step-mom. Solomon has completed elementary school and will be going to middle school next year. I can't believe it. Miriam will be in her last year of elementary school next year and Samuel will be half way through, in the third grade. It's shocking that this has happened so fast. I swear, just a few days ago I was changing their diapers and sitting through marathon nursing sessions.

I finished microbiology with an A. Woot! That turned out to be a really fun class. My professor was terrific and our experiments were a lot of fun. My unknown specimen was Proteus vulgaris. At least, it was, until it became contaminated with something else (I suspect E. coli since all three of my lab partners all had E. coli. Someone -- maybe even myself -- was not perfect with their sterilization technique.) and messed up my last few test results. No worries, though because the professor said that happens in all her classes to someone. Our grade was not based on maintaining a pure sample, but rather on testing appropriately and demonstrating that we knew why tests were performed and what the results meant.

And algebra ... well, I'd rather not talk about that. We'll just say that I ended up passing but I hated every single second of it and I'm not proud of my grade at all.

Nursing school in general is a huge mess and I'm still trying to sort out how to reach my goal. It's all being reworked and will probably take a very long time. Ugh.

So that's what's going on here. I'll try to keep up better for the rest of the summer.

We're Moving Again

2011-04-25T13:16:00.001-06:00

My lease was up at the end of February. Paul asked me periodically throughout January if I was going to sign another lease or look for some where else to live. Honestly, I was resigned to signing another 12-month lease because I knew there was nothing else in this school district that we could afford and moving the kids to another school is not an option.

However, Paul knows how much I hate living in these stinking apartments and he wouldn't let it go. He looked on Craigslist, he looked at other online sites, he looked on the board at his work, he looked every where. And every once in a while he'd mention something he found. Each one was either too expensive or across town or had only 2 bedrooms or something else that wouldn't work.

Until. Until one day he called me at work and said, "Quick, call this guy now, this house is going to go fast!" I took the information and my hopes were raised a little when I heard what the rent was (exactly, to the dollar, what my rent would be on another 12-month lease). And even more when heard the ZIP code (the same as ours). And even more when Paul said that the major cross streets are the same cross streets for my apartment. I estimated it to be less than a mile away.

I called the guy immediately and he said I was welcome to come look at it the following weekend but that he needed to warn me that someone else had already called so they had dibs. (Yup, it's gonna go fast.) So we went on a Saturday morning to check it out. The owner told me that the other interested people had seen it that morning, too and since we'd both seen it, whoever was ready to sign a lease first could have it.

It's great for us. There are 3 bedrooms (that disappointed the boys a bit, but at least their room will be quite large) and 1 bathroom (I'm a titch nervous about that) but aside from that, it's perfect. The living room is large enough to accomodate all of our current furniture and then some. The kitchen is huge compared with what I'm used to. There's a pantry that is easily 6 times larger than the closet I call a pantry now. Can we say Costco membership? There's an attached garage -- no more hiking up to the third floor in snow and ice with sleeping children and/or groceries! There are small front and back yards -- yards tend to be pretty small in this area as it is and this neighborhood has even smaller than usual yards. But, our back yard faces out to a dedicated open space with a biking trail, a creek and lots of blue sky. We can even see a bit of the mountains from the back porch.

I called the owners that afternoon and told them that I wanted to look at their lease. Within 3 days, it was all signed and accepted. We're moving in on May 7. I am so excited about not having screaming neighbors on the other side of my dining room wall any more. Actually, excited doesn't begin to describe how happy I am about the whole situation. Woo!

Quintessential Colorado

2011-04-02T22:15:00.001-06:00

Fat Tire. Bicycle. Subaru.

Winter is Ovah!

2011-03-20T10:32:00.001-06:00

Officially over! Today is the spring equinox! I know that doesn't mean a whole lot of anything in Colorado but it means a whole heck of a lot to my mental health. It means that summer is coming. And that means driving with the windows down, wearing flip flops and tank tops, sitting on the patio with a glass of cold riesling and playing kickball. It means grilling and having a beautiful array of fresh, delicious produce bursting out of all my cooking. It means swimming and sunshine and thunderstorms and nearly daily rainbows. It means motorcycle trips and wine in Palisade.

I'm not naive enough to think we don't have any more wintery days in our near future. In fact, Paul and I were talking about this a few days ago and I said something about bracing myself for a blizzard any day now. He poo-pooed that and said we were done with snow until next fall. I poo-pooed that and reminded him that since I moved here all the kids' snow days have been in March. So we made a bet that within the next 30 days -- that 30 days ends on April 10, I think -- we'll get at least 5 inches of snow in a 24-hour period. Psst ... I'm gonna win.

Anyway, whether I win the bet or Paul wins the bet, the cold mistress known as Ms. Winter is officially over! Everyone join me in a happyhappyhappy dance!

The Dryer, Part 2

2011-03-17T19:03:00.001-06:00

This is my dryer. It stopped working. It was running just fine and then it stopped. There was a slightly smoky smell to the clothing inside and I was worried that there was a fire some where in the recesses of the motor. There wasn't. Very glad about that, I am.

These are the magnets that profess my love for ~~Jim~~ The Office. I think they're funny.

This is the dryer with its top removed.

This is the dryer with the front opened. See those flimsy little wires near the bottom? They're the only thing connecting the front to the rest of the machine. Those little wires were a constant source of worry to me during this whole process. They go to the door switch and if I broke them I wouldn't have light in my dryer any more.

My method for keeping track of the various screws and where they belong on the dryer.

This is the dryer when I finally got the flingin-flangin-belt off the drum, motor and idler pulley. That took some serious contortions and a bruised arm.

The freed drum!

The empty housing. At this point I still had no idea what caused the malfunction. I was just happy to have it mostly taken apart. Getting to this point took the better part of 2 hours.

The back side of the drum. Paul thought the bearing kit was bad. That's the round, sort of pointy looking thing in the middle of the drum. I had no idea what a good or bad bearing kit looked like. I did notice that spotty gray scrape mark going around the outer edge of the circle of triangular cut outs. It was clear the paint had been scraped off with something but I thought it was normal wear and tear. (Hint: it wasn't.) Also, Paul was not here during any of this. I sent him pictures of this and a video of me moving the bearing kit around and asked if it looked normal to him. He wasn't sure.

Being the clean freak I am, I had to vacuum the copious amounts of dust and lint and a few lost buttons from the floor of the machine. It was very therapeutic. I also had a high time digging out great handfuls of lint from the door and vent tube.

At this point there followed a lot of speculation on both Paul's and my parts regarding what the problem was. It clearly was not the belt because that sucker was very much intact when I opened everything up. Everything else appeared to be in good repair as well so we decided the thing to do was order a bearing kit. I did. When I picked it up I felt a sense of foreboding -- it looked exactly like what was attached to the drum. This likely mean that the kit I had was fine.

Paul studied the dryer some more and found a tiny broken wire at the bottom of the dryer housing. My Dyson missed it. It's actually a good thing it did or we might not have figured out the problem. Paul realized that it had broken off the heating element causing the element not to connect at one of its terminals. This meant the end of the element was scraping the back of the drum, hence the scratched paint I noticed. It also burned up all the lint that was stuck to the back of the drum, hence the burning smell. I'm really lucky the whole thing didn't burst into flames with our clothes inside.

So I ordered a new heating element and took the bearing kit back. I lost a 10% restocking fee on the bearing kit. Who invented restocking fees? I'd like to give them a piece of my mind.

Paul was nice enough to string the new heating element for me. That's his mostly consumed beverage off to the right there. He said that stringing heating elements required limeade with a splash or two of vodka. I happily obliged.

All finished! It's much shinier than the old one. And, most importantly, it's intact!

So we put everything back together, plugged it in and crossed our fingers as I switched it on. It ran smoothly. It did not blow up. It did not catch fire. I did a little happy dance.

Parts that were left over. Only I think the beebee and the little screw looking thing were part of Samuel's collection that got lodged in the dryer some where. Not sure about the washer. That might have been part of his collection, too.

Now that is the complete saga of the busted dryer and how I took it apart and Paul helped me fix it. We rock!

This Makes My Stomach Flip

2011-03-15T19:47:00.001-06:00

The Dryer, Part 1

2011-03-15T19:21:00.002-06:00

At some point in this calendar year my dryer quit. I can't remember when it was. January? February? It was definitely one of those because we're in March and it wasn't this month. Beyond that, everything runs together.

Anyway, the dryer quit. In the middle of a load of wet laundry. With a load in the washer. And at least 2 more waiting to be washed. Of course the dryer would pick that day to quit. That's the way dryer strikes work.

It was just before I had to pick up the kids from school so I packed up the wet clothes and hauled them to the laundry room at the apartment management office. I didn't have any quarters so I tossed the wet clothes in the machines and looked around for a change machine. There was none. So I hoofed it to the manager's office and asked for change. They didn't have any. I may have muttered some not-so-nice words in the general direction of the unhelpful staff (they deserve it -- this place is a hole and they're incompetent like you wouldn't believe. I need to devote a post to that.). I definitely stormed out, packed up my wet clothes and did a quick laundromat search for this ZIP code. I found one.

But by then it was time to pick up the kids. I called them and told them that I had to go to a laundromat and could they please walk home? Fortunately it was a beautiful day and they took the opportunity to play at the various playgrounds between school and home. I got the clothes dried at the laundromat (that has half a dozen change machines! Imagine that!) and came home just as the kids trooped upstairs, all tired out from their adventures in Playground Land.

Oh! As I left the laundromat I was pushing one of those wheeled, stainless-steel baskets with the hanging bar at the top to the door so I could take my clothes out to the car. One of the wheels stuck on the corner of a tile and the basket stopped. I, however, did not. I proceeded to slam my left cheekbone into the steel bar supporting my clothing. I hit it so hard I bit my tongue and felt my teeth jar against each other. I literally saw stars before I even figured out what happened. Ow-flippin'-ouch!

I whined to Paul about my awful afternoon and he whined to me about his broken down car. Yes, his transmission went completely kaput on the very same day and stranded him in downtown Denver with a big towing bill. Not a spectacular day for either of us. He proposed a couple of possible problems with the dryer and promised to help me with it. I could not propose any problems with his car, nor could I promise to help with it. But we shared some wine and commiserated together.

A couple of days later I'd managed to disassemble most of the dryer but I still wasn't sure what was wrong with it. Needless to say, I had more laundry to do so I figured the best plan was to gather the essentials into one load and wash them at home, then take them to the laundry room here in the complex and dry them. I would, of course, be sure to take my own quarters since the management here can't seem to maintain a change machine.

On the night I absolutely had to wash clothes it was snowing and dark and cold and windy. I took the wet ~~freezing~~ clothes to the laundry room. Guess what? One of the dryers was locked up so that no quarters could be inserted. The other one didn't work. I know because I put 6 quarters in it and ended up with still-wet clothes 45 minutes later. (Also, the laundry room is supposed to have 2 washing machines. On the night I was there they only had one and it had an 'Out of Order' sign on it. Oh, and the lights in the room didn't work so I was doing all this by the light of a broken soda machine. Do you understand my muttered not-so-nice words a little better now?) I then had to hike back to my car with 50+ pounds of wet clothes in the cold and snow. And I slid in the snow and fell on my butt with the 50+ pounds of wet clothes landing on top of me. I was reallyreallyreallyreally not happy.

When I got back upstairs I still had to have dry pants for everyone. That meant picking out the essentials for everyone, hanging them up in my bathroom and turning a fan on them full-blast. They were sufficiently dry for the next morning. Thank heaven for small favors, huh?

Anyway, that's the story of the broken down dryer. Actually, that's not all of it. There's the whole ordeal of actually fixing it, which Paul and I did. And I have pictorial evidence! But that will have to wait for another post because it's now Miriam's bedtime and she's demanding her (rightful, promised) computer time.

Dumb Name for Dumb Clothing

2011-03-14T11:46:00.004-06:00

Jeggings? Why? I just want to know why.

My Kind of Hand Dryer

2011-03-14T11:37:00.008-06:00

No useless instructions. No button to press and release, all automatic. It blows air like a category 5 hurricane which means my hands are dry much faster. Also, there's none of that awkward moisture that's left when lesser dryers stop and I don't feel like I should press the button again because I know my hands will be dry half way through the cycle but the dryer will continue to run through its preset time and waste electricity.

** This post is a follow up to this post from once upon a time. **

New Me vs. Old Me

2011-03-13T10:25:00.001-06:00

I was Old Me 5 years ago. Old Me was weak and powerless and pitiful and sad and humiliated. Old Me let other people call all the shots, from the little things to the big things. Old Me rarely had opinions and if she did she never, ever spoke them. Old Me lived to make other people happy, even at her own expense. Old Me would have raised children just like herself. And she didn't have the energy to care. Old Me died when I filed for divorce and I have danced on her grave many times since then.

In her place is New Me. New Me says what she thinks even if it makes her want to puke on the spot. (And it often does.) New Me does things like shave off all her hair and grin at the world afterward. New Me rides on the back of a motorcycle (and wants to get one for herself) and drinks wine until she's dizzy. New Me cooks Indian food and eats sushi. New Me loves music from Johnny Cash to Amos Lee to Steely Dan to Depeche Mode to Muse to Maná and back again. New Me isn't afraid to talk to her children about why she divorced their dad, about sex, about the good and the bad things in the world, about standing up for themselves, about telling the truth and about what's right and wrong. New Me goes back to school (for the third time) and has dreams of becoming a lactation consultant or a nurse practitioner or a coroner or a nursing clinical instructor.

I'm embarrassed by Old Me. I don't like to think about her. But New Me wouldn't be here and wouldn't appreciate life as much without having been Old Me to begin with. In that regard, I'm appreciative.

In one significant way I've remained Old Me for the last 5 years. That's when I have to deal with the ex-husband. Every once in a while something comes up and I revert to the old habits -- being overly meek and not being listened to. Every time that happens I get angry with myself for letting it happen. Letting things happen is passive and powerless and it means that I'm not making things happen. It's a weak, pathetic attitude and I hate it. There have been times when I've put the kids at risk by letting things happen. Shame on me.

No More. This week I learned that the ex-husband crammed all 5 of his children into the backseat of a tiny car last weekend because the bigger car with appropriate seating wasn't working. He and I have had this argument for the better part of 10 years. He thinks it's okay to occasionally drive around with improperly restrained children if "It's only around the block," or "It's too much trouble to put in a car seat," or "We're going to be late for church if we make two trips." This week I decided that I have had enough. When I found this out I told him that if he does not have appropriately safe transportation for these children they will not see him for spring break in two weeks. He made excuses. He played the poor-me-you-think-I'm-a-bad-person card. He tried to make me feel bad. But I refuse to take the bait. That's what not letting means. It means I keep control of myself and my emotions and I stand my ground. It means that I have power. And it's part of New Me.

On Growing Up

2011-03-13T09:34:00.001-06:00

Remember this? A few weeks ago I was in a hurry to get the kids off to bed and I forgot to do the official tucking in routine with Miriam. I tucked her in but didn't do the multiple kisses or ask her what she wanted to dream about. The next night she told me that I had forgotten the night before. I apologized and did it twice that night to make it up to her. It warmed my heart that that still means so much to her and I've made certain not to forget it again, no matter how harried bedtime might be.

Also recently, Solomon came into my room around 4:00 am to tell me he had been awake for a while and couldn't get back to sleep. I suggested trying a relaxation technique where he imagines he's on a warm beach with the sound of waves on the sand and birds singing and the smell of fruit and tropical flowers in the air. He said he'd tried that. So I invited him to come lie down with me. He gave me an odd look and seemed hesitant but he laid down -- on the very edge of the bed, with barely a scrap of blanket and a corner of a pillow. I giggled inwardly and lay back down myself. In less than 15 minutes he was completely out and had repositioned himself comfortably with a hand in my face and a knee in my belly. When the alarm went off 2 hours later he succumbed to a few minutes of snuggling and didn't flinch at all.

Samuel, on the other hand, isn't shy at all about snuggling, even in public. That kid will happily plop himself onto my lap in the doctor's office waiting room, in a restaurant and even at school! He always wants to hold my hand and he's constantly trying to sniff me or twiddle his fingers in my hair. He would sleep in my bed every single night if he thought I'd let him get away with it. It would be annoying if I thought he was going to continue this for the next 12 years. But I know he won't so I bask in it and love him right back.

No Time! No Time!

2011-03-12T15:56:00.001-07:00

As you might surmise from my last two posts I have no spare time these days. It's all sucked up by homework and laundry and cooking and commuting. In the few minutes I do have between tasks I play Words with Friends. I feel sorta lame.

There's a lot to tell you. I have a list in my phone called Blog Posts that I'm adding to almost daily. I need to tell you about these kids that Will. Not. Stop.Growing. Up. I need to tell you about school and cooking and food y mis sueños y esperanzas. That's what this is all about, huh? Anyway. I might find some time tomorrow morning. I have this beautiful vision of sitting down with some coffee and my laptop when the craziness of breakfast is finished and I haven't yet started the insanity of algebra and telling you peeps what's been going on here. We shall see if it comes to pass.

Day in the Life, Part 2

2011-03-11T08:43:00.002-07:00

So imagine all that stuff from the other morning, you know -- brushing my teeth, waking kids, coffee, shower, breakfast and then this:

Check for school announcements, lecture notes, etc.

Start some laundry.

Fold this ...

... into this.

Then there's that bit where I drive the kids to school and drop them off. No before care today.

Park the car, start the music, hike to the train.

Wait for the train. Dreary, huh? It's not so bad when the sun is shining.

Off the train near school.

The church on campus that feeds homeless people every morning at 11:00.

A spot of brightness in the science building.

The cafe where I buy my coffee.

Double tall breve latte.

Cultures of unknown bacteria # 125.

Lunch from school because I forgot to pack any.

Pedestrian bridge back to the car.

Groceries.

Pick up the kids.

Pay bills.

Breakfast for dinner.

Prep food for the next few days' lunches.

More of this.

Dance party in the living room.

White Russian for dessert.

A little bit of this.

More algebra.

And more crashing into the same bed.

Day in the Life, Part 1

2011-03-10T22:24:00.001-07:00


Accidentally use Paul's toothbrush. Mine is purple. Shhh.

Open a new bottle of contact solution. Looks cool, huh?

Wake Solomon. Samuel is always, always up first.

Wake Miriam.

Dole out pharmaceuticals. We like the Target brand.


Coffee is my bestest friend.

Breakfast.

Untangle Miriam's hair.

Maybe showering is my bestest friend? Nah, it's definitely coffee.

Decide what to wear.


Scrape 2 mm of the world's hardest ice.

Clock myself in at work.


Check the schedule. Work real hard.


Break for lunch and study microbiology textbook.

Consider going out for fresh air but decide it's too flippin' cold.

Have part of a cookie that a caterer brought to the office.

Work more.

Clock out. (But not at 8:18. More like 5:18. Shhh.)

Get pizza because the kitchen looks like it does. More on that later.

Sign kids out of after school care.

Go home and change into this.

Ignore this.

Drink this.

Eat this.

Finally face this.

Sign the school papers.

Turn this ...

... into this.

Occasionally do this.

Think about this. Forget about this.

"Mop."

Do algebra.

Crash here.

I Dislike Valentine's Day

2011-02-04T10:04:00.002-07:00

Yuck. All of this HFCS and plastic crap is a huge waste! Ugh.

Public Transport

2011-02-03T14:52:00.004-07:00

I'm quite used to this now. It's a nice routine. Park my car, board the train, meld into the community of other commuters. We all squeeze into ourselves, taking up as little space as possible, trying not to touch but not put out when it happens. And it does happen -- crowded train, uneven tracks -- it's bound to happen. I start my music, pull out notes or textbook and study, one eye on the scrolling sign that tells me where I am. It takes longer than driving but it's free to me as a student so I save gas, mileage and parking fees. And I get time to study which is in very short supply. Yeah, definitely a nice routine and I'm grateful for it.

Sent via Pony Express

BTW ...

2011-02-01T07:22:00.001-07:00

I have tons of stuff to write about but school and life are sucking all the time out of my life. I know that sounds odd but it's true. Gah. I will be back to writing more some time. Like in May or when I don't have school in 37 years.

Also, I had to remove all the pretty formatting from before because it was making things weird for my Granny and she couldn't see any of the blog posts. In about 37 years I should be able to add back some pretty stuff. Maybe.

Cellular Respiration

2011-02-01T07:19:00.000-07:00

Cells need energy. To generate this energy they go through several complicated processes in the mitochondria of living cells. (In the mitochondria of eukaryotic animal cells, that is. Prokaryotic cells do not have mitochondria. And eukaryotic plant cells do something else but we haven't talked about that yet.)

The first is glycolysis which occurs in the cytoplasm of cells. Glycolysis literally means "splitting apart sugar." That sugar is composed of 6 carbon atoms, 12 hydrogen atoms and 6 oxygen atoms. The end products of glycolysis are 2 3-carbon molecules of pyruvic acid and 2 molecules of NADH (NAD+ that has been reduced). Glycolysis occurs by way of substrate level phosphorylation, which means that a phosphoryl group is added to adenosine diphosphate (ADP) to create adenosine triphosphate (ATP). Because glycolysis needs 2 ATP to begin and because 4 ATP are created, there is a net gain of 2 ATP.

From glycolysis, pyruvic acid is oxidized to create acetyl CoA. This means that electrons are taken from pyruvic acid and it loses a carboxyl group.

Then, acetyl CoA moves into the Krebs cycle which occurs in the matrix of the mitochondria. Here, the carbons in acetyl CoA are released as CO2. The energy from those released bonds is held as NAD+ and FAD. Throughout the Krebs cycle NAD+ and FAD are combined with hydrogen electrons to produce NADH and FAD+, respectively. The added electrons are then passed through the electron transport chain. A total of 2 ATP are produced by the Krebs cycle.

The electron transport chain is located in the cristae of the mitochondria. Here, the extra electrons of NADH and FAD+ are passed down a series of transporters. These transporters are arranged in order from higher affinity for electrons to lower affinity for electrons. As the electrons are passed from one transporter to another, protons are pumped across the cristae. This is called a chemiosmotic mechanism. It creates an energy potential that is collected by ATP synthase and converts ADP to ATP. The process is called oxidative phosphorylation. About 32 ATP are created here.

Glycolysis produces 2 ATP, the Krebs cycle produces 2 ATP and the electron transport chain produces 32 ATP for a total of 36 ATP in eukaryotic cells.

At least I hope so, because this is what I'm putting on my first microbiology test in 4 hours.

Last Week's Produce Box

2011-01-10T19:58:00.000-07:00

It was so beautiful I decided to take pictures to show you all.

The first peek into the box. The aroma was incredible. Everything smelled delicious and fresh. And just look at those colors! Yum!

Under the first layer of packing paper. There are avocados there but they're difficult to see.

And finally, the bottom layer. Can you believe all this beautiful goodness? Fingerling potatoes, spinach, peppers, apples, mangoes and carrots!

Too Crazy to Pass Up

2011-01-10T19:34:00.001-07:00

Look what I found in the dryer this weekend when I washed a load of jeans.

As nearly as I can tell it's part of a traffic cone. Also, my mouse is a regular sized mouse, not one of those miniature ones.

Winter

2011-01-10T17:21:00.018-07:00

Winter has finally arrived. It took a while but it made it and it is not messing around. We had a high today of something ridiculous like 14F. Crazy. These are icicles on the bumper of my car.

I'm sending this from my car while the windshield thaws out. There is actually frost on the inside of the glass. Brrrr.

IloveColoradoIloveColoradoIloveColorado. I really, really do but there are times here that I must remind myself of that over and over and over again. It's not unlike dealing with a truculent child.

Pantry Project

2011-01-09T12:17:00.003-07:00

A few weeks ago I discovered that a nearby grocery store was going out of business. They had all their groceries marked down by 30%-50%. I made a trip there and spent about $90 stocking up on pantry staples. A couple of weeks later I went back because I knew there would be bigger mark downs. I spent $60 or so and got some great deals on canned fruit (not a fan myself, but it makes a quick, cheap, easy snack to pack up for the kids at school), cereal, green chiles, flour, frozen chicken and dried pasta. It was awesome. My geekness was in full bloom.

One of my receipts. This is the $60 one; the $90 one was way longer.

Just some of the bags from one of my trips.

My pantry and other food cupboards after those trips.

Yesterday Paul picked up our beef order. One-hundred-forty-two pounds of pasture-raised, organic beef. We sold 20 pounds to Jenn and Caleb so that left 122 pounds to divide between mine and Paul's respective freezers. We contemplated buying a deep freeze the other day but decided to risk it. And you know what? It all fit. And I still have plenty of room in my freezer for the chicken and frozen vegetables previously purchased. Paul said he still has lots of room in his freezer as well. So 142 pounds isn't as much as we thought it would be.

So the Pantry Project is this: not to buy any groceries except dairy, eggs and fresh produce for A Very Long Time. We'll see how long A Very Long Time is. Also, I'm going to do my best not to buy produce outside of the Door to Door Organics box. That may prove to be a little tough because we eat a lot of fresh carrots, broccoli, cucumbers, apples and oranges. I'll keep you posted on my progress.

Useless Information

2011-01-07T10:36:00.003-07:00

Is there really anyone out there who needs directions for an electric hand dryer? People who really don't know to press and release the button? To rub their hands lightly? That the machine will stop automatically? Really?

7 Billion. For Realz.

2011-01-03T21:53:00.003-07:00

This video reminds me of the time I was 9 and our family sat around the dinner table one night talking about how big a million and a billion are. Dad had come up with some awe-inspiring amount of time that it would take 1 million people to walk in front of our mailbox, one right after the other. I can't remember it now but I remember the feeling I had trying to comprehend that then. It's the same feeling I had just now trying to comprehend 7 billion people here.

Paul Rocks When He's Not Scaring the Bejezus Out of Me

2011-01-03T09:26:00.005-07:00

We arrived home from Utah late on Saturday night and I didn't want to go home to my house because a) it would be cold and dark, b) I'd have a long hike up 3 stories with heavy luggage in the cold and dark, c) I had no edible food in my refrigerator and d) I wanted to stay at Paul's house. So I stayed at Paul's house. That meant I had to go home yesterday morning to leave all my luggage, warm up the house, start some laundry and do a quick fridge inventory.

When I got home it was 43F in my apartment. And a second smoke detector had gone on the fritz and needed a new battery. When I got home from Arkansas a couple of weeks ago the smoke detector in my room was dead and beeping. Yesterday the main one in the hallway that controls all the others was dead and beeping. That one beeps even after the dead battery is removed so that you can't get any peace until you feed it a live battery. I dumped out an ounce of sour milk, half a dozen single servings of leftover peas, lasagna, guacamole and other assorted rotten foods. I started a load of laundry and wrote a short grocery list. Then I left to pick up the kids.

I spent the rest of the day driving to southern Colorado and back. When we got home we were tired and a little hungry. I forgot all of that though when I opened the door and saw the Christmas tree lit up. I knew I had not turned on the lights that morning because I remembered looking at it a couple of times and thinking how sad and lonely it looked with no lights on. And even if I had turned the lights on, I would have turned them off before I left because I am both paranoid and cheap.

Immediately, my mind raced to all those horror stories about people coming home to strangers in their houses. Because, you know, an intruder waiting to rob and kill you will always turn on your Christmas tree to lure you into a sense of security, right? Right. I considered sending the kids out into the breezeway so they could get a head start running while I searched the house for the bad guy but it was about 15F out there and deep down I didn't really believe there was someone waiting to jump out and grab me.

Instead, I called Paul and said, "Did you come over to my house today?" I figured there were a bunch of reasons he might have needed to come over, like to get some wine or to borrow a baking dish or maybe he left a jacket or something here last time he was over. Lots of reasons. And that's why I've given him a key and such. Paul said, "Why do you ask?" so I said that my Christmas lights were on and I wanted to be sure I wasn't about to be murdered. He said, "Maybe Santa Claus did it." By this time I knew he had been over and so I was going about my business in the apartment, taking off my coat and turning on lights and stuff. Then I saw my television on the floor of my bedroom.

I went back to the living room. I opened the television cabinet. There was a beautiful Sony 32-inch, 1080p, plasma screen HD television sitting in that cabinet. And it had a cute little red bow on the corner. It was all connected to the Roku and everything.

I began to freak out in a minor way and the kids around me began to freak out in a major way. Paul was laughing and saying, "Breathe, breathe, you have to breathe!"

See, I had been planning to buy a new tv for our family with the bulk of our Christmas budget. I told the kids about it but I told them that it would wait until after the holidays were over and things settled down and I could find a good deal. But I hate shopping for this kind of stuff. I know nothing about electronics or what constitutes a good deal. Plus, getting it home and hooking it all up are things I do not excel at. If fact, I quite stink at that.

So Paul took care of all of that for me. Isn't he awesome? It turns out we got a lot of tv for relatively little money because it was an open box item at Best Buy and Paul is good at the haggling bit, too. It cost just a tad more than what I was planning to spend so I'll pay Paul back what was in my budget and we'll call it good.

And you know what else? Paul replaced the batteries in my dead smoke detectors, too.

P.S. This blog is 3 years old.

Utah

2010-12-28T18:13:00.002-07:00

I am in Utah with Paul for the week. He has family here and we're just hanging out, eating, playing games, drinking and sightseeing. We've had Christmas and we're going to have a New Year's Eve party. These people know how to party. It's a very good time.

We're in a small town outside of Salt Lake City. The geography here is so new to me. For one, this is my first time in Utah. I'm used to traveling through states where I've lived and I know basically where the major cities are and what their suburbs are. That is not the case here. Also, I'm used to mountainous regions being to the west. Here, we're in the middle of Utah Valley and there are mountains all the way around us. Another thing -- we're right next to the Wasatch Range. It's kind of odd to look up and see a mountain peak soaring 11,000 feet above me. In Denver, you're so far away from the mountains that you can't get a real sense of how big they are. And once you get closer, the foothills are so huge that you've lost sight of the mountain peaks and still can't see how tall they are. So this perspective on mountains is quite breathtaking. I'm loving it.

Last night we took the UTA Trax system into Salt Lake City to see the lights at Temple Square. I took lots of pictures. I am, by no means, a photographer and my camera is rather puny but last night we worked quite well together. I got some good shots that I'm pleased with, especially considering the lighting that was available.

Here's the inside of the train. They are nearly identical to the Light Rail cars in Denver so I felt right at home. This particular train was pretty empty.

Some of the scenery out of the train windows. I was kind of excited to go to Sandy. You see, one of my favorite television shows is the HBO series, Big Love. It's set in Sandy, Utah and I thought that Sandy was a fictitious place until Paul told me it is, indeed, a real town. Not only is it a real place, that's where we got on the train. So I had to take a photo of this sign.

This is the shopping center where we got coffee before walking to Temple Square. It's pretty and it has lots of cool shops in it. If I appreciated shopping and crowds more, I'd probably really enjoy a place like this. But I don't so it's mostly good for people watching and coffee sipping. And photo snapping.

A pretty cool mural in the Union Pacific Train Station. I love real train stations -- you know the ones where people can get on an Amtrak train and it takes them hundreds of miles away, overnight with dining cars and sleeping berths and stuff. All of them are old and very cool with granite floors and big, carved wood moldings and these cool murals.

A cautionary piece of advice that is posted at almost all street corners. It made me giggle.

Some other cool shots of downtown Salt Lake City. It's very pretty and there is a lot of striking architecture. I was just in awe. I think Christmas is a particularly good time to experience new cities because they're all gussied up for the holidays. This way, I get to have these beautiful first impressions as my only impressions.

And now, the main event for last night: Temple Square. I must preface this by saying that a friend-slash-co-worker recommended that we "go to Temple Square to see the lights" and I kind of went, "Oh. Yeah, I guess that sounds nice." I mentioned it to Paul in passing, not really expecting that we'd go because 1) we're neither one religious, and 2) Paul was, at one time, LDS and doesn't have much inclination to revisit that. So I didn't think there was much reason for us to go. But when I said it, he was like, "Oh yeah! We should do that. The lights are pretty fantastic and the history is interesting." So we went. And I am so glad we did. It is beautiful!

See what I mean? Gorgeous, no? I am simply amazed that my camera took photos this clearly at night. It was really something.

After we finished with our lightseeing (get it? Lightseeing instead of sightseeing? Ha ha!) we got back on the train and headed to a place called Trolley square. I hear that there is lots of history surrounding that place as well but I'm unclear on most of it. Anyway, here it is:

Yes, it's a crappy, crappy, crappy picture. The rest of our group was running across the street while I was taking this picture and I was in a hurry to take it so I didn't get left behind and then a car almost hit me. Oops. But I'm okay.

We decided to eat at Old Spaghetti Factory which is inside the shopping mall at Trolley Square. This is what the wait line for Old Spaghetti Factory looked like. Lisa, Paul's sister-in-law, went in to ask how long the wait was for a group our size (8 of us) and came out to report that it would be at least an hour. So some of the group went off to shop and the some of the group went off in search of beer. I went in search of beer because I am not a shopper.

We actually ended up waiting about an hour and 20 minutes for our tables but it was definitely worth it. Old Spaghetti Factory isn't exactly original or authentic food but it's very tasty and a really good deal. I ordered an entree that was easily enough for both Paul and myself. It came with iced tea or coffee, all the bread I wanted, a side salad and, the best part yet -- spumoni! Yumyum, yummy, yummolicious! I would have taken photos but the lighting was terrible and nothing would have shown up. I did get a picture of the trolley car that is inside the restaurant, though.

Pretty cool, huh?

When we were done eating we walked back to the train and I got some more photos of things that I found to be interesting.

This was pretty neat. It was at the stop where we waited for one of our return trains. It's a poem written by a 14-year-old girl named Ruby, I believe.

This was a funny little train seat all by itself. Cole called it the lonely hobo seat.

And this is what greeted us when we arrived back in Sandy. It was freezing fog -- quite the interesting sight.

Anyway, as you can see, we're having a fantastic time. There is lots of great stuff in store for our remaining days here, too. I'll be meeting Paul's mom tomorrow and maybe meeting an online friend on Thursday. I hope the weather cooperates. We're under a severe winter storm warning right now and it doesn't end until Thursday night or Friday morning. Gah.

Yay for Arkansas!

2010-12-19T13:52:00.002-07:00

Yay for the people in Arkansas, anyway. At least some of the people. This is a good time. All the siblings, I repeat all, are here. That's no easy feat considering our circumstances and geography. We are having a blast. So, until I can devote more time to a follow up post on this subject, I'll leave you with some word snapshots -- a toast to the matriarch in honor of her graduation; rounds of Boggle with iPhones at the ready for proving or disproving a word's legitimacy; a dozen chatting, laughing people crammed into the kitchen because that's where we always end up. And there's so much more to come!

Sent via Pony Express

I'm Too Emotional & Too Cynical

2010-12-09T22:31:00.002-07:00

Found this video. Watched this video. Teared up over some of the footage, giggled at other parts of it.

As it ended, I felt affection for this world and all its inhabitants and our interconnectedness. And then I thought to myself, "This is really just a commercial for Google."

Thanksgiving

2010-12-07T11:03:00.000-07:00

Whoa. Thanksgiving. It's my favorite holiday because I love to cook and I love to eat. I love food, period. Christmas is my second favorite holiday because it has all the same foods (at least, in my family it does) but it also has shopping which I'm not nearly as fond of as cooking.

Anyway, Thanksgiving. It was delicious. I made a turkey for the second time. Last year was my first and I brined it with a pretty sweet brining solution -- "sweet" as in fruity, not as in a surfer dude's "Hey, man! Sweet waves today!" (Although, surfers usually surf in salt water and brining solutions do contain a lot of salt. But this really has nothing to do with Turkey Day. Sorry for that brief foray into my distracted thought process.) This year I went a little more savory. There was nothing wrong with last year's brine but I wanted to try something different. This year's brine was still sweet but more tempered with things like bay leaves and peppercorns and rosemary. It was so good. My mouth is watering thinking about it again. Also, the turkey was huge. We had to brine it in the massive pot that Caleb uses to brew beer.

Jennifer and I went in together on the cooking and food prep at her house because she's the only one with enough space for that sort of thing. I love her kitchen. It's huge. On Tuesday night I went to her place with my car full to the gills with cooking utensils, ingredients, baking pans and my mixer. We set up the brining situation and called it a night. (Another plug for living in Colorado -- this turkey and its pot were so big there is no way we could have fit it into the fridge but it was cold enough that we could leave it to sit in the garage all night! Yay for temps in the low 20s!)

On Wednesday I went back to Jennifer's house, changed into some comfy PJs, poured a glass of wine and got busy! We chopped veggies and nuts, shredded cheese, mixed pie crusts, mashed potatoes, whipped up pie fillings, dried bread crumbs and had a grand old time. Friends from Texas arrived late that night and the children had a great time playing video games and chasing each other all over the house. The adults opened more wine, turned up the music and continued food preparations until 3:00 am. It was so much fun!

Thursday morning began bright and early with more cooking, roasting, boiling, baking and stirring. We finally ate around 2:00 pm. Everything was really good. I wish I'd had the ability to eat more food but even that night when everyone usually eats the first of the leftovers, I was still too full. Bummer.

After the meal we sat around the dining table and had a nice Pinot Noir tasting. The friends from Texas brought a couple of Pinot Noir wines from New Zealand (they lived there for 9 months last year! Lucky!) and Paul brought over a couple of Colorado Pinot Noir wines. We all sampled and critiqued and tasted. Then we opened a dessert wine and a honey wine to try with our desserts. It was a superb time. We should do it again before next Thanksgiving because we deserve to eat like that because it's Tuesday sometimes, you know?

The rest of the afternoon was spent playing Carcassone, one of our most favorite board games. I think I can mark this holiday down as one of the best ever; it ranks right up there with the first Thanksgiving after The Divorce and with the New Year's Eve I spent alone with my homemade pizza and sangria. Yum. Truly can't wait to do it again.

List of Stuff, Updated

2010-12-04T12:28:00.001-07:00

Like I said previously, I am tired of 'random' and 'rambling' so this post is not called that. It's also not called that because it's an update of a previous post so it's named after that one. Got it?
Antibiotics. Solomon is taking his horse pills grudgingly, with much choking and coughing and gulping of orange juice. He has a flare for the dramatic, in case you couldn't tell. Samuel eagerly awaits the next dose of "the pink stuff" and asks at least a dozen times per day, "Is it time yet? Please?"
Miriam woke up Thursday with a supersuper sore throat. We went to the doctor. She was diagnosed with strep also. Big surprise there. I'm still scratching my head over that one. /sarcasm
I'm even closer to the end of this semester's classes! Double yay!
I did not go to Starbucks to do homework because Miriam camped out on the couch with a pillow and the remote. Instead of homework, I paid bills and worked on The Budget.
My favorite Starbucks drinks are still the whole milk latte and the peppermint mocha. I went to Starbucks yesterday to do homework and had a cranberry bliss bar with my whole milk latte. Those were the best tasting calories I had all week.
It's been very quiet at "Neighbor's" house since Wednesday. I can hear her still over there. She's been vacuuming and still slams doors and cupboards frequently but I haven't heard kids or screaming. I'm not sure what to think.
Still planning to write about Thanksgiving. I'll get to it eventually.
The entire 5th grade took a field trip to the middle school yesterday as a teaser for the orientation, I suppose. Solomon proclaimed it, "Awesome!"
And again, that's all the stuff. I don't have to pee this time but I do have to go fold some laundry. As usual, I'll write more stuff again later. See ya then!

List of Stuff

2010-12-01T22:51:00.002-07:00

I would have called this post "rambling" or "random" but I'm tired of those words. "Stuff" is sufficient.
Solomon and Samuel were diagnosed with strep throat this week. I'm alternately loving and hating antibiotics. Loving for the obvious reasons -- my kids won't be stricken with rheumatic fever or kidney failure. Hating because Solomon gags and nearly vomits both the pink, liquid stuff and the quartered horse pills. Gosh, my life is glamorous.
Miriam went to bed tonight with a sore throat. I reallyreallyreallyreally hope she is not worse in the morning. I don't want to deal with another round of antibiotics if I can help it.
My classes are almost finished for the semester. Yay!
If I'm not taking Miriam to the doctor for a strep test tomorrow morning I'm going to spend most of the day at Starbucks working furiously on the nutrition assignments I have neglected for the last 2 weeks.
My new favorite Starbucks beverage is a whole milk latte. Well, at least during 10 months of the year. From November to December it's the peppermint mocha.
I reported "Neighbor" to CPS yesterday. For realz. That's the first time I've done that as a concerned citizen and not as a mandated reporter.
Thanksgiving rocked. It really deserves its own post and I'll do that soon but I couldn't leave it totally unrecognized in this List of Stuff.
I got a note today from the middle school welcoming my soon-to-be middle schooler and me to the campus. We are cordially invited to attend an orientation for the 2011-2012 school year next week. I had a miniature heart attack. And then I recovered and added the date to my calendar. And then I had another miniature heart attack. I might have another heart attack next week.
That's all the stuff. Well, it's not really All the Stuff Forever but I kinda have to pee so that's all for now. I'll most likely write more stuff later.

I :heart: Tofu

2010-11-16T20:06:00.002-07:00

Who'd have thunk it? I started eating tofu several months ago because I wanted to expand my food horizons and all that jazz. I was wary but I quickly discovered that when prepared correctly it's quite tasty.

Correctly prepared consists of draining thoroughly between towels and two weighted plates for several minutes, preferably an hour. Then I slice the tofu into small cubes or triangles and marinate them in olive oil and either soy sauce or balsamic vinegar and whatever spices and herbs suit me that particular day. I've sauteed the tofu in a skillet with mixed results. I think I've discovered that braising chunks of tofu in the marinating liquid is best. It provides the greatest consistency in texture.

Two of my favorite tofu-containing dishes, for your drooling pleasure:

This is quinoa, prepared in a tabouleh salad. The recipe is from T. She's an awesome cook. I haven't actually eaten any of her food but the pictures she posts of her food make me wish I had eaten it. Lots of it. For the purpose of full disclosure her recipe did not have tofu in it but I added some because I wanted to. Also, I put mushrooms in it this particular time because I was lacking some of the other stuff that I would normally put in it. Yum.

This is spaghetti squash, recipe courtesy of me. I roasted the squash in the oven. After the strands were separated out I tossed in some sauteed onions, garlic and mushrooms. There are also tomatoes but I don't saute those because they get too mushy. Instead I remove the pan from the heat and add the tomatoes so they are just barely cooked by the heat of the vegetables already in the pan. I added in an alfredo sauce which was quite creamy and delicious. (And yes, there is a chip on my plate. Please ignore it.)

I have also made pita sandwiches with tofu that was marinated in olive oil and lots of red pepper flakes for a spicy kick. The tofu and wheat pita were accompanied by shredded lettuce, chopped tomatoes, sliced avocados and sharp cheddar cheese. Those were really, really good. Unfortunately, I did not take any photos of those.

Anyway, those are a few of my recent forays into tofu consumption. You should try them. You know, if you've never tried tofu but have been curious about how it might fit into your diet. Or not. I suppose it's not necessarily for everyone.

Other Worlds? Or No?

2010-11-12T16:03:00.001-07:00

Last Post re: Samuel's Pockets (Maybe)

2010-11-12T10:09:00.002-07:00

I decided to document the growing pile of crap on the top of the dryer. If you can't stop the madness you might as well join in, right? So every week after I did a round of laundry, I photographed the pile of stuff and captured the new additions. Here they are, in order.

Here we have some pebbles, a Starburst wrapper, an arm from an action figure, staples and some other unidentifiable stuff.

This week we added some silly bands, a weird bolt/screw thing and a bobby pin.

This time we found a dollar! It was quickly reclaimed. There are also a hair clip, part of a broken earring, a day-glo spider, a tiny bubble wand and more pebbles.

More of the same.

This week we added the remnants of a busted balloon animal, beads and more pennies and pebbles.

How does one kid find, become attached to, and collect so much crap?

Did You Know ...

2010-11-12T09:46:00.000-07:00

... that there's a Donald Trump game that's not The Apprentice? I could have lived my whole life without knowing this.

Open Letter to My Next Door "Neighbor"

2010-11-12T08:52:00.002-07:00

Dear "Neighbor",

Before we go any further, let me just explain the " ". You get " " because neighbors are supposed to be neighborly. You, my "friend," are not. Neighbors sign for packages for each other or maybe they come over and ask how long the power has been out in the building when they can't turn on the lights after work. They wave at each other on the sidewalk or they chit chat at the pool. Sometimes they give each other a squirt of ketchup when their pre-schooler is begging for ketchup on his hot dog and they've run out. See, that's the kind of passing relationship I have with the chick across the breezeway. And I'm not saying that you and I have to have that relationship because not everyone does. That's okay. But can I ask that I not know the better part of the goings-on in your place? Please?

I do not need to hear you slamming your kitchen cupboards or your bathroom door. I can live without knowing that your current favorite song is "Bottoms Up" by Trey Songz. (What kind of a name is 'Songz' anyway?) I can especially live without hearing "Bottoms Up" at full blast at 6:20 on a morning when I do not have to go to work and my children don't have school. Thanks for getting us up in time to make it to school though. If this was yesterday I might be writing you a different letter.

Also, I do not like your children gallivanting all through the breezeway, knocking on my door and then running away, asking my children for their phone number, slamming their bikes into my walls and screaming at each other. Although, I can see why this is appealing to them; I'd rather do those things than be in your house with you screaming at me constantly, too. That's another thing -- your children did not ask to be born to you and from what I can tell, they deserve much better than you. I'm very close to calling CPS on you and that's not hyperbole. While I'm at it, I'll file a complaint against you with the landlord for noise violations, too.

Signed,
Your Ticked Off "Neighbor"

P.S. I drew that picture up there just for you. I meant the angry face to be me but now that I'm looking at it again, it looks more like a constipated bunny. That's okay. It's the thought that counts, right?

In Which We are Accosted by Zombies (& I Fear for Humanity)

2010-11-11T23:25:00.001-07:00

Downtown Denver was overtaken by zombies a couple of weekends ago. Paul and I, along with our friends, Jen and Scottie, were caught unawares. It was weird.

It began innocently enough while in line at the liquor store. Paul and I were buying ingredients to make martinis because we wanted martinis later in the weekend. The people behind us were dressed up like zombies and said they were going to a zombie crawl. I thought, "Huh. Interesting. Their make up is pretty cool," and then, "What the heck is a zombie crawl?" Then we moved on.

Later, we went the train station to meet Jen and Scottie. The plan was to take the train downtown for an evening of dinner and live music. While we were waiting on the platform at the train station I saw a small crowd of zombies join the rest of us humans. And then a larger crowd of zombies arrived. All of a sudden it hits us: the aforementioned zombie crawl is a Zombie Crawl (capital letters necessary) and it's downtown. The accumulating crowd of zombies does not strike me as so interesting and/or cool any more. They're kinda freaky and slightly disturbing.

Finally the train arrived and we boarded with the zombies. With each successive stop the ratio of zombies to normal people became more unsettling.

By the time we arrived at the 16th Street Mall and we were surrounded by zombies. And these were serious zombies. Some of them had chainsaws. Some were covered with blood. Some were chasing each other and other humans and screaming. Some were staring blankly and wandering aimlessly. Others were limping on partially disabled limbs.

It was all rather obnoxious. It seems that zombies are not terribly clear on who is involved in their game and who is not. Or maybe they enjoy running into innocent bystanders and then offering a half-hearted, "Oops, sorry, dude," before turning to run into another victim.

On the train ride into the city we had decided that we would eat at Tokyo Joe's so we got our bearings and took off in that direction, on foot. Paul remarked, "This bothers me. It seems like people with nefarious purposes could get away with a lot under the cover of a zombie uprising." I agreed. Who could tell real screaming from fake screaming in this mess? How would you tell if someone was really being chased or just pretending for the sake of the zombie "fun?"

Tokyo Joe's was completely overrun with zombies. I think maybe they congregated there because raw fish flesh can be similar to raw human flesh. It took forever to get our food -- something like 25 minutes to get our sushi. That is much longer than is normal for Tokyo Joe's.

When we finished eating we needed to get to the club where Jen's friend, Josh Fischel, was playing. It was several blocks away so we walked a bit to the train and re-boarded. After we took our seats, we were joined by some young tweens. They were in the 12 to 14 years old range and giggling hysterically while glancing warily down the train car at a trio of 30-something zombies. The tweens were not zombies. It appeared to be a game of tag between zombies and humans that had migrated to public transportation.

The zombies began to lumber toward the group of tweens. The tweens shrieked with hilarity as the zombies approached. It was quite the ear-splitting cacophony. My ears were ringing. Jen, Scottie, Paul and I looked at each other, rolled our eyes and gritted our teeth.

By this point in the evening we'd had about enough of zombies. We'd been bumped into repeatedly by bloody zombies, been subjected to screaming and wailing and had to wait extra long for our food. Patience was thin.

So Paul leaned across the aisle and said, "Excuse me, do you mind taking the zombie uprising that way?" and motioned toward the opposite end of the train. No one heard him amidst the screaming and thrashing around in the aisles so he stood up, stepped closer, raised his voice a bit and repeated himself.

One of the 30-something zombies finally looked at him and said, "What? Are you serious? We're just having some fun with the kids! You should sit down. Just sit down, sir!" Paul was rendered speechless, as were the rest of us. She continued to shriek at Paul and demand that he sit back down.

I was in shock. I've never seen someone over-react to a such an extent over a simple request for politeness and consideration. I could only sit there and laugh awkwardly. Jen refused to look at them. Scottie, who might be considered a little hot-tempered, was not about to sit there and let the zombies take over. So he stood and began shouting back at the 30-something zombie.

Her friends got into it then and one of them called Scottie "Tattoo." Clever, huh? Now, let me explain: Scottie is, indeed, tattooed. Very tattooed. He's proud of his tattoos and he has a right to be. He has a large star on the side of his neck which, at first, was all anyone could see. Almost every other inch of his body is covered with ink as well. He decided to take this opportunity to show everyone on the train the tattoos they hadn't seen and began pulling up his sleeves, his shirt in the front and the back, his pants legs and anything else that needed to be moved to show off his artwork and shouting, "Oh? Tattoos? You want tattoos? How about this one? Or this one? Or maybe this one here? And there's one here!"

Meanwhile, zombie and friends are still screeching away in the background. There's a lot of, "It's just for fun!" and "Chill out!" and, my personal favorite, "It's a free country, isn't it?" I'm going to interject something else here -- I hatehatehatehate when people use "It's a free country" to excuse their obnoxiousness. Yes, this is, to an extent, a free country. However, a great founding father once said something like, "The right to swing my fist ends where another man's nose begins." I'd like to extend that a bit and say, "The right to act like a raging idiot ends where someone else's peaceful evening with friends begins." Can I get an amen?

By this time, the tweens had become very emboldened by their zombie aggressors and started shouting things like, "Asshole", "Dildo" and "Penis wrinkle." Yep, you got that right. A bunch of junior high kids using a bunch of words that they'd most likely never use in front of their parents and probably aren't entirely certain of said words' meanings.

About that time 30-something zombie gets tired of yelling at Paul to sit down (because he was still standing in the aisle, dumb-founded) and begins saying things like, "You know what? I'm a bitch. Yup, I'm a bitch and I'm proud of it." Well, at least she's right about that, huh? And then, the best line of the night: "You have ruined my spirit! Ruined it! Are you happy now? Ruined my spiiiiiiriiiiiiit!!!"

I guess her ruined spirit took the fun out of screaming at a perfectly normal, polite person because they began to wander off then, while muttering more obscenities and insults to our collective intelligence and parentage. Two stops later we had to get off the train for our destination and as we disembarked we got another earful of "Penis wrinkle."

We spent the rest of the evening telling each other how ruined our spirits were. And we've all had several good laughs about the situation since then. But holy cow. Ridiculous over-reaction much?

Sustainable Food

2010-11-11T07:53:00.001-07:00

I'm so excited! It's Thursday. And it's an "other" Thursday! That means it's my day to get a big box of fresh, organic fruits and vegetables delivered to my doorstep. I wait for this day every other week like it's my birthday or Thanksgiving or something.

I was recently directed to this service, Door to Door Organics, by someone on a message board. It's a service that brings food to you, for a fee, of course. Some of it is local and some is not. All of it is organic. I clicked on the link thinking, "There's no way they'll be delivering in my area. And if they are, I'm sure it's not affordable." But I was wrong on both counts. Yay for being wrong!

I started out ordering the smallest box available in my area because I wasn't sure what to expect. Then Paul and I decided to go in on a larger box together. There's enough in the bigger box to last both of our households for 2 weeks until we get another box. I have had to supplement occasionally with a few store bought carrots or broccoli because we're always running out of those things. I also bought grapes last week because Miriam and Samuel have been begging for some and we haven't had any in our boxes. But for the most part, this is how we get our produce.

Several months ago Paul and I bought 1/8 of a locally raised, humanely slaughtered Longhorn. We anticipated eating that beef for a long time but the animal wasn't as large as we expected and my meat was gone pretty quickly. Paul and Cole, who consume considerably less red meat than we do at my house, just finished off their portion last week. Now, in January we are going to buy 1/4 of a Black Angus bull. It's been grass-fed up to now and will be for a few more weeks. The last few weeks of its life it will be fed organic grain. We're okay with that because the guy can assure us it has been given no antibiotics or hormones.

So between the beef and the organic fruit and veggie box, we're getting a large percentage of our food from sustainable sources. Love it!

And for your viewing pleasure, an apple we got in our first organic box. It actually had a living worm in it! Do you see it? It's the white-ish, wormy looking thing coming out of the seed pod. The kids didn't believe that actually happened. We gently transferred the worm to a pot of dirt on the patio and then ate the apple.

In a Blogging Mood

2010-11-04T22:38:00.000-06:00

I'm in the mood to write. My house is clean, the laundry is (mostly) done. (There's a large basket that needs folding but I'm going to ignore that.) A really funny episode of The Office is on. I lit approximately 17 candles around the house and they smell incredible. I have a glass of decent merlot at my hand. There's a formerly happy chicken defrosting in my kitchen; it'll soon be roasted and made into chicken pot pie. It's fall and I'm fortunate to have a comfortable, warm, well-stocked home. For some reason I feel the need to describe all of this to you.

Also:

Solomon lost a tooth today. It's the first tooth he's lost in at least 2 years. I know he hasn't lost one since we moved to Colorado. I told him that he should check under his pillow tomorrow for the Tooth Fairy's prize. He said, "Can you just give me the money now? Like you're buying my tooth?" So I did. And I laughed heartily.
I took Solomon to the doctor today because he's had increasingly worse heel pain in the last few days. Instead of being something worrisome, it's just inflammation that happens sometimes in kids who are growing and healthy and active. He should be fine in a couple of weeks. I'm grateful for all of this.
I'm taking the Spanish placement test tomorrow so I can register for not-Spanish I next week.
I bought lots of bulk spices today for less than $1.00. Total. Not each. Total.
I saw my endo today for a post-op appointment. Everything is good. Assuming my thyroid panel is all normal I'll see her again in 6 months and if the thyroid panel then is all normal and if I never have any weird thyroid symptoms, I'll never see her again. She's a nice person and all but this makes me happy. She said I was her easiest patient all day.

And that's all for now. I should probably have made some of these items separate blog posts but I didn't. That's how I roll. I reserve the right to elaborate upon any, all or none of these items in the future. That's also how I roll. (You know, until now I didn't know I 'rolled' at all. That just came out of no where. Apparently I roll that way, too.)

Poor Little Buddy

2010-11-01T22:23:00.001-06:00

Samuel has recently become engrossed in a game called Spore. I don't know if you've heard of it, but it's similar to TheSims in that you create a being and live as that being until you die. In Spore, the main difference is that you also evolve. Your character begins life as a single-celled organism that moves about eating other organisms and growing appendages and adapting to its watery surroundings until it can live on land with the other legged creatures.

Well, Samuel began a civilization a few weeks before the kids left for their fall break. Tonight he went back to his saved game and continued playing for a while. When he and I went into the bathroom to work on his teeth cleaning routine he told me that his character's buddy had died. His little creature was living in a nest with another similar creature and the two of them went off to conquer a band of other creatures. During the fighting his buddy was mortally wounded. He seemed a little sad when he told me this but he quickly rebounded and said, "It's okay, though. I'll find another buddy," and that was that. Conversation moved on.

About 20 minutes ago Solomon came to me and said that Samuel was in bed, crying. I went to find out what was wrong. He was sobbing really hard and couldn't talk. I asked a bunch of questions and finally surmised that he was crying over the loss of his creature's buddy. Poor little dude. I feel so bad for him. And at the same time I can't help giggling a little to myself because it's kind of silly, too, you know?

Also, it reminded me of my own brush with virtual mortality.

When I Grow Up ...

2010-11-01T22:08:00.000-06:00

Around the dinner table tonight, we got on the topic of future plans for making a living. It comes up every once in a while and I'm always interested to hear what the kids have sprouting in their imaginations. Miriam said she wants to be a teacher, probably an art teacher. Samuel wants to be an artist or an inventor. Solomon wants to be a scientist or a veterinarian or an astronaut or something else that I can't remember at the moment. That boy thinks big, and I do mean BIG.

I don't know if I gave enough thought to the "When I grow up ..." stuff when I was a kid and I want to encourage my children to think about it a lot. I want them to feel confident that they can do whatever they want to do. I want them to explore different ideas and dreams. I want them to pick the most satisfying and fulfilling one they can. I want them to know that it's going to be difficult, that it will take a lot of hard work and discipline and determination. I don't want that to be a surprise to them.

I'm glad they're seeing me in school. I hope to be an inspiration to them in their future endeavors. I also want to be an example of how not to do things: for example, finish school before you move on to having children. Because both things are very hard to do, but they're exponentially more difficult when you're doing them both at the same time.

When I grow up, I'm going to have raise 3 amazing human beings.

Update on the Fall 2010 Semester

2010-10-28T17:57:00.005-06:00

I'm about half way through this semester. I think. I don't have official mid-terms so I can't be sure. But considering that my classes started in mid- to late September and the semester ends mid-December and it's now the end of October, I think this constitutes the mid-point of the semester. I think.

Anyway, I dropped microbiology. Did I already tell you that? I can't remember and I don't feel like opening another window and perusing my recent posts to be sure. But I dropped microbiology. That class is the hardest class I've ever taken in my entire life!! And I took geometry which gave me total night terrors all through my sophomore year of high school. Microbiology completely dwarfs geometry in terms of difficulty. And now, since my GPA directly affects my odds of getting into the extremely competitive nursing program I can't afford to scrape by with a C like I did in geometry. So I did the responsible/wimpy thing and dropped the class. Responsible because I did it by the deadline so as not to lose any money -- wimpy because I'm a wimp when it comes to having a less than desirable grade on my transcript. My plan is to take it next semester (since I absolutely have to take it for nursing. Duh.) in an actual classroom with actual lectures and actual lab exercises. I aced A&P so I can ace micro.

My dosage calculation class is going great. That makes me happy because I was scared -- excuse me, askeered, in a bigbigbig way -- of that class a few weeks ago. I remember dimensional analysis being a terror-inducing process when I went through nursing school the first time so I was not too keen on it this time, either. But I've either become smarter or developed more common sense in the last 13 years or something because now it's easy as Pi. Get it? Pi? Bwahahahahaha! I crack myself up! Occasionally.

Nutrition takes a little more work than math but it's still pretty easy. It requires more time commitment because I have to read a lot of the textbook instead of just watching videos of math problems being solved but that's okay. My biggest problem with nutrition is that the book approaches "good" nutrition from the point of view that margarine and its ilk are better for you than real butter. Know what I mean? The authors seem to believe that modern science is better at determining a healthy diet than are natural, minimally processed foods. So as long as I approach my tests that way, I'm okay. I just have to nod and smile and click the right answer to get a good grade and then go back to eating real butter and natural, grass fed meat and drinking full fat milk and all is right with the world.

I just got an e-mail today telling me that I can begin spring 2011 registration on November 10. I'm excited. I'm going to take microbiology (duh), either statistics or college algebra (not sure yet -- neither are required for my current nursing program but both are required for the BSN program I eventually want to transfer to, eons from now) and Spanish II or III. I need to figure out how to skip Spanish I. I'm not going to take Spanish I. I'm way past Spanish I.

Anyway, that's how the semester is going. It feels really good to be in school.

P.S. I have As in both classes. Woot woot!

Cost is Disproportionate to Value

2010-10-26T13:20:00.002-06:00

This sticker cost me $285.51.

Things About Which I Am Happy

2010-10-17T20:54:00.001-06:00

I don't have cancer.
I'm back in school, where I belong, at least for a time.
My kids are healthy.
My kids are brilliant and funny and special.
There is good food to be eaten, good wine to be drunk and good music to be heard.
My family is out-of-this-world supportive and loving.
I live in Colorado.
It's fall.
There are more things to put here but I can't think of them right now. It makes me happy that there are so many happy-worthy things.

My Real Name

2010-10-14T19:04:00.001-06:00

Samuel: Solomon, why are you so difficult?

Solomon: Because my name is 54 x 63.

Miriam: Hi, 54 x 63.

Solomon: No, first you have to figure me out. Then you can call me that.

Another Step

2010-10-13T12:51:00.001-06:00

I have had a goodnight routine with the kids since they were very young; I think Solomon was maybe 3 when I started this. That means Miriam was 2 and Samuel was an infant. They really don't remember anything else for goodnights. I kiss them on their cheeks and on their foreheads and between each kiss I say, "Good night," "Sleep tight" and "Dream of what tonight?" And then they tell me what they're planning to dream about.

They love it. Or at least 2 of them still do.

The last couple of weeks I noticed that when I sent Solomon to get ready for bed he wasn't coming back to tell me good night or let me know that he was ready to be tucked in. Every night I still went in to tell him good night and frequently he pretended to be asleep when I kissed him. Two nights ago I asked him if he is too grown up for the old goodnight routine. He looked embarrassed and admitted that yeah, he does not like it any more. So I told him that's okay, it's part of growing up to change things like that. Instead, I tucked him in, hugged him and told him that I love him. Last night he said that he doesn't really even want to be 'tucked in' any more; he'd rather get a hug in the kitchen or in my room or wherever I happen to be and just go to bed on his own.

Gosh, he's becoming an adolescent, isn't he?

I'm not bothered by this change. I know it's part of growing up and I'd rather he tell me that he's uncomfortable with it so that I don't keep doing it and bugging him and keeping him a 'baby.' I wondered to myself at the beginning of the school year if he'd stop some of the sort of attached behaviors that we have. For example, when he gets out of the car in the morning, he waves to me with his hand formed in the ASL sign for "I love you." That's another thing the kids and I have done for a very long time. He hasn't stopped it yet but I think it's coming soon.

I'm not bothered at all, but it is bittersweet. My boy. :sigh:

Weather Conditions from The Weather Channel

2010-10-11T06:37:00.004-06:00

Weather for Today & Tomorrow

Today
Some clouds this morning will give way to generally sunny skies for the afternoon. High 67F. Winds NNW at 5 to 10 mph.

Tonight
Mainly clear. Low 42F. Winds SSW at 5 to 10 mph.

Tomorrow
Cloudy with a few showers. High 54F. Winds N at 5 to 10 mph. Chance of
rain 30%.

Updated: 10/11/10 5:27 AM MDT
For more weather information, visit www.weather.com from your PC or mobile device.

Doesn't that bolded portion sound like great napping weather? I cannot wait. I don't have to work, my homework is reasonably caught up and I have no errands to run. It's going to be sweet!

Sent via Pony Express

It's Been a While

2010-10-06T23:37:00.000-06:00

Nice way to leave you hanging, huh? Not knowing if I have cancer and all. Eh, I figured no one was all that worried. You all discovered via e-mail or phone call or in person or on Facebook (how good am I at the e-communication?!) that all was good. Actually, come to think of it, if there's anyone reading this who didn't already know that my final path report was benign, I'd like to know who you are. 'Cause you might be one of the El Anonymous commenters. So stand up and take a bow. Or something.

Truth be told, I've not been in such a bloggish mood lately. I think of something to write and I'm all, "Huh. I suppose that could be interesting. If I could be bothered to drag out the ol' laptop and actually place my fingers upon the keys. But Ye Olde Laptop is all the way over there. And I'm tired from all the surgery and work and kids and cooking and laundry and dishes and organizing and budgeting and dealing with the ex-husband and eating and sleeping and breathing and not running. It can wait." Yeah, I'm just a creative well-spring of words these days. Ugh.

So.

I have officially begun all of my classes. Clinical Calculations for Some Type of Medical Person is just fine, as is Nutrition for the Some Other Kind of Medical Person. Microbiology for the Super Smart Medico is freaking kicking my behind in a seriously scary, painful, nerve-wracking way. Yuck-o. I'm askeered. I want to drop it and then take it again in the Winter 2011 semester in an actual classroom with actual lectures and actual labs but I'm afraid of what that might do to the financial aid I've already budgeted into my life for the next 3 months.

I'm not working out. That probably has a lot to do with how 'blah-ish' I'm feeling lately. I don't have the energy for it. That's probably because I've almost forgotten what vegetables are. I need to find some carrots and squash, stat. I bet that would snap me out of this funk. Someone wanna give me a shove in the right direction? Please?

Seriously, I'm doing okay. I feel great, actually, considering that my throat was cut open less than a month ago. The scar is still sore. Sometimes I forget that it's there and accidentally scratch an itch or something. When that happens there are a few seconds of blinding, "Oh. My. Gosh. What the %*#$? Did you think for a second that you have a normal neck?! OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!" And then I forget about it again. Other than that, I'd never know that I'd had surgery.

My kids are amazing. I realized the other day that I have more moments of enjoyment with my kids than not. Sadly, a couple of years ago I couldn't say that. There was a lot of stress and anxiety and general malaise that caused me not to enjoy much of anything having to do with child-rearing. I'm not sure when it happened exactly but all of a sudden I started having these moments of thinking,

"Wow. This is cool. These kids are fabulous. I'm lucky to be doing this,"

and they far out-numbered the moments of thinking,

"Geez, when is this going to end? IamsoexhaustedIfeellikeIamgoingtodiebeforetheyareadults."

It makes me happy and sad to figure this out. Happy because I really like the phase we're in. Sad because I probably missed out on some great moments. Sad because I'm slightly afraid that this is all going to be blown to smithereens in a few short years by teenage angst and hormones and yucky stuff. But for now, I'm going to savor it.

Because now is good and that's what I'm about.

Yup, even with all the health issues and all the work and all the stress and all the school and all the tight budgeting, I'm happy. I'm still savoring moments and feeling like this is a good life. I've been dealt a good lot and that's more than a lot of people can say.

And now I'm rambling. I have bread rising in the oven and I've had some wine and it's time to go to bed. After I punch down the dough. See ya.

Surgery Update

2010-09-21T19:56:00.001-06:00

So I had surgery. They put me to sleep and cut open my throat and sucked massive amounts of tissue out of my neck. Now I have bloody steri-strips across my throat. How's that for an update? Sorry, had to get it out of my system. I occasionally have to fulfill my urges to be crude and graphic.

Anyway, I had the surgery. It went well, didn't take as long as the surgeon expected, I recovered quickly. I say recovered but I'm not fully recovered yet. I still can't turn my head fully from side to side. That hurts, kind of a lot actually. I'm not hurting enough to need pain relief any more, though. I haven't had oxycodone since Sunday afternoon and haven't taken even acetaminophen since yesterday morning. Pretty sweet, I say.

I was extremely nervous the morning of the surgery. It didn't help that Paul and I sat in the waiting room and talked about possible outcomes. Outcomes like, "What if I don't wake up?" "What if I throw a clot and have a stroke and go into a persistent vegetative state?" "What if I go into a coma, come out of it and can talk but can't wipe my own butt?" That's fun stuff to talk about, huh? Okay, not so fun, but necessary in that situation. And besides, it did help a tiny bit. At least at the end of it I was sure that I wouldn't be left lying in a bed with only a feeding tube keeping me alive. Anyway, we hashed out all the possible scenarios we could and I signed my life (temporarily) into Paul's hands. And then we both sat and read our respective books (me: Providence by Daniel Quinn, him: Lamb by Christopher Moore) while we waited for the nurse to call me back.

The nurse who prepped me for surgery was cool, if a tad overkill with her whole you're-going-to-be-fine-this-is-so-not-a-big-deal routine. She was a little too hang-ten surfer chick for me. There was a lot of "dude" and "man" and stuff like that. But she took very good care of me and I probably would like her very much in another setting.

I met almost everyone who was going to be in on my surgery. I met the anesthesiologist who was scheduled to put me under but then the schedule changed and I met a new anesthesiologist. I met a surgical resident who would be coming in to assist my surgeon. I met the medical student who was coming in to observe. I met the head scrub nurse and she informed me that there would be a few other nurses in there also. And then before I knew it I had to kiss Paul good-bye. The scrub nurse wheeled me down the hall on one of those beds with an IV pole attached to me and a chart lying across my thigh and an elastic paper cap on my head. I was one of those people -- the sick people. It was very surreal.

And then I was in a cold operating room and they told me to scoot over onto the operating table. I almost refused. For 2 seconds I was paralyzed and I almost said "No, I'm not doing that. You're going to have to move me because I'm not doing it." But instead I looked at the dozen faces around me, at the massive lights, at the sterile fields surrounding me and at my bed and my table and I said, "Wow, there are a lot of people in here. There's a lot of stuff in here," and I moved to the table. Just about the time I was about to hyperventilate and have a major freak out, the anesthesiologist said, "I'm giving you some meds to make you sleepy." And then I woke up.

Recovery was full of odd sensations. I could feel something in the vicinity of my throat but it didn't hurt and I was afraid to touch anything for fear of making it hurt. My eyes were really dry and I couldn't see. Someone gave me a saline bullet to moisten them. I wanted to stay awake and look around but I kept falling asleep, despite my best efforts. Apparently things went very well, though because they moved me to post-op after less than an hour and I went home less than an hour after that.

I've spent the week since then slowly increasing my activity and decreasing my meds and feeling pretty good, if a little tired. I will go back to see the surgeon on Thursday and he should have a final pathology report for me by then. I'm crossing my fingers that it's all good and this whole thing is behind me now.

During this time I've been reminded, repeatedly, how wonderful my family and friends are. Jenn and Caleb took over my kids for 48 hours so I didn't have to cope with homework and showers and meals and transportation. Paul stayed with me, brought me food, pills, water and ice packs. He reminded me how much medicine to take and when. He called my family and friends after my surgery and let everyone know that everything turned out well. People at work have offered me any help I might need, sent me cards and flowers, called to inquire about me, one of them cooked and froze enough food for at least 5 nights of dinners. My grandparents sent monetary support. These are all good, good people. Thank you, all of you. I really wish there were some way to re-pay you.

The Best Days

2010-09-21T18:48:00.001-06:00

Sometimes The Best Days are extravagant, phenomenal, mesmerizing events filled with roller coasters and cotton candy and fireworks. Sometimes The Best Days are quiet, relaxing, comfortable times spent cuddling on the couch and eating comfort foods while watching movies. And sometimes The Best Days are ordinary ones where not much really happens. Not much happens except the magic of your baby learning about venus fly traps and telling you all about it with the brightest, biggest, shiniest smile on his face. Where not much happens other than catching your shy daughter singing along to this song. Ones where you walk your kids to school and see that the P.E. teacher needs help setting up for running club, and your eldest, your first baby, your all-too-soon-an-adult child is the first to volunteer his help to her. Sometimes those are The Best Days.

Ya Gonna Get Hitched?

2010-09-05T21:08:00.006-06:00

No. No, we are not getting married.

Truthfully no one has asked me that, in those exact words, but lots of people, including my own children, have asked if Paul and I are going to get married. I suppose that is a natural question when two people of our ages have been consistently and happily seeing each other for more than a year. But we're still not getting married. And we're both very content with that.

Here's why ~~we're~~ I'm happy with that (Actually, we're both happy with that, truly. But I don't want to make a habit out of speaking for Paul. He's capable of speaking for himself but he's not writing on this blog. Anyway, we've talked about this and we agree, so there you have it.) :

I had a pretty terrible marriage and Paul's was way worse than mine. Seriously, it was badbadbadbadbad. Bad. And those are just the parts he's told me about. I know that doesn't mean a second would be so horrible for either of us but who wants to test it? Really.
I rather enjoy caring for my children alone. And by that I mean, I don't really enjoy it (because really, who enjoys being 99.5% responsible for the care and well-being of 3 human beings alone?), at least not 100% of the time. But I do mean that adding someone else and his child to this equation certainly aren't going to make it any easier to solve. Paul and Cole are both great guys but this household has all it can handle right now.
I much prefer being able to do my own thing when I want to -- or at least when the child situation allows for it -- rather than having to constantly consider someone else's wishes when deciding what to do with myself. If I want to veg on the couch in my PJs and eat popcorn and watch crap TV all day or play TheSims I don't want to feel like I'm infringing on someone else's desire and/or need to go on a motorcycle ride or run errands or do laundry all day.
My kids have enough crap to deal with when transitioning from Albuquerque to here and back without adding more relationships to our home. There are already too many people to deal with in Albuquerque. They don't see it that way because they are 10, 9 and 7 but it takes a toll on them whether they realize it or not. I'm not willing to add more stress and confusion and anxiety to their lives (and mine) by adding more people to it.
I much prefer simplicity, when possible, to complexity.

People say things like:

But you need someone!!!

Why? For what? I have someone who loves me, laughs with me, commiserates with me, does nice things for me. We drink wine together, we have a great time, we have fabulous conversations. We don't need to live together or be married to do these things.

You have to think about yourself! (This is usually in response to Number 4 above.)
I am thinking about myself. I don't want to deal with the baggage that 2 step- & half-families bring with them. These children have enough to deal with and so do I. The people telling me to think about myself are not the people sitting with my children, rubbing their backs and handing them tissues as they cry about missing the babies and the dad and the step-mom in Albuquerque. Their hearts don't hurt like that.

You shouldn't be alone!
I'm not. Believe me. I'm not alone by a long shot. Right now I have 3 people running around me, requiring food and beverage and showers and entertainment and discipline and teaching and encouragement and affection and attention and all the other myriad things human beings require. I'm happy to give it to them. It's easier to give them what they require when I'm not also giving it to others. They deserve that and so do I.

But, but, but ... what if ... ?

What if what? What if Paul leaves me? What if he decides he's done with me? What if ... ? You know what? Someone already decided he was done with me. Being married to me didn't change that he wanted other people. And I left him. The marriage certificate didn't keep me there. Being married another time wouldn't change any of that. There are second divorces just like there are second marriages. "Two Divorces" sounds a lot worse than "Another Break-Up." And it's a lot more expensive, too. I'd rather not be "Twice-Divorced Chick."

I'm not closing the door on marriage forever. I've lived through enough to know better than to say "Never" to almost anything. However, I am saying "No" to marriage for a long time. At this time, and for a long time, it's not for me. And you know what? I'm extremely grateful to have found a man who agrees with me. He's a good one -- maybe even a keeper. / tongue-in-cheek

Surgery

2010-09-05T10:52:00.002-06:00

Well I have a follicular neoplasm in my throat. That means my thyroid contains atypical cells and no one is sure if they're malignant or not and they can't tell unless they take them out. So I'm going to have the left side of my thyroid removed. It's all scheduled, pre-authorized with the insurance company and I'm pre-registered with the hospital. All I have to do now is fill out the living will and advance directive. I'm not looking forward to that.

I know exactly what I want to be done with my body if the big "What If ..." happens but I don't like thinking about it. Paul and I talked about it a lot when he had surgery last year. I've talked about it with Jenn and Caleb and Lance, too. I've talked about it a little with Mom and Dad. I'm confident that everyone who matters will make sure that my wishes are honored if and when that time comes. But putting it into writing is just different. It's so final. I guess that makes sense -- they're final wishes. I know I can change it if I change my mind, but as of September 15 at 1:30 pm it's Final until I wake up. I think that's the thing that has me on edge -- that this could be Final. It's not likely to be, but it could be.

Wow, I'm morbid this morning.

I'll be glad to have this over with. It's not like my thyroid has been a huge source of worry and pre-occupation for me but it will be nice not to have to think about it at all any more. No more biopsies, no more ultrasounds, no more anything. Just get it cut out and be done with it.

The surgeon is of the opinion that I can probably avoid thyroid replacement hormones. I like that. I don't want to mess with them, with mood swings or hair loss or temperature intolerance or weight gain. The surgeon and the endo both think that since my left side is not normal at all the right side is compensating for it and can probably continue to do so. Neither of them think we need to do anything with the right side -- it's perfectly thyroid-ish and not at all nodule-ish. Yay for that, huh?

So there it is. After 31 years of no surgeries, almost no scars and being hospitalized only for childbirths, I'm going to have A Thing. A Surgery. A Story.

Water Park Fun

2010-08-29T22:00:00.002-06:00

I forgot about these videos from our day at the water park in Arkansas. I give you -- The Toilet Bowl:

Testing ... 123 ... Testing ... Again

2010-08-27T16:21:00.002-06:00

Trying a new method of phone blogging, via e-mail this time. Hmm.
Sent via Pony Express

Confusing a Girl

2010-08-27T12:51:00.002-06:00

Miriam, telling me a joke: I know how to confuse a girl.
Me: Huh?
Miriam: Purple.
Me: Huh?
Miriam: See, you're confused!
Me: Why did you say, "girl"?
Miriam: Because that's the way I heard it.
Me: But it doesn't matter. If you said that to a boy, he'd be confused, too. If you specify that it's a girl when being a girl doesn't really matter, you're saying that girls are not as smart as boys.
Miriam, indignant: That is NOT true! I'm never telling that joke again!!
Me, to myself: Thaaaaaat's right.

License Plate Game

2010-08-27T07:29:00.003-06:00

Earlier this summer I drove something like 2300 miles round trip. On the first leg I drove to Santa Fe after work while listening to various podcasts and counting out-of-state license plates. From here to Sana Fe it's less than 400 miles. During that time, I counted the following:

Alabama - 1
Alaska - 2
Arizona -7
Arkansas - 3
California - 5
Chihuahua, Mexico - 1
Florida - 5
Idaho -3
Illinois - 1
Indiana - 1
Louisiana - 1
Minnesota - 1
Montana - 6
Nebraska - 2
Nevada - 1
New Mexico - 10 (only counted these before I got to the NM border. Duh.)
North Carolina - 1
Ohio - 2
Oklahoma -6
Oregon - 1
South Dakota - 2
Tennessee - 3
Texas - 27 (there were way more than this but I stopped counting them, mostly because I got bored and partly because I lost track.)
Utah - 8
Virginia - 1
Washington - 1
West Virginia - 1
Wisconsin - 3
Wyoming - 1
one more from Mexico - couldn't figure out the state because the license plate frame blocked the top and bottom edges.

Pretty amazing, huh? Clearly, people love Colorado. But those poor suckers had to go home. I get to live here! Woot!

I Look Like I Was Bitten by a Vampire

2010-08-26T21:46:00.006-06:00

And I feel like I got a Chuck Norris punch to the throat. Ouch.

I went to the endocrinologist for a biopsy of my gargantuan thyroid today. I'm not kidding about the gargantuan part, either. It used to measure 4cm x 5cm and now measures 5cm x 7cm. Or so I'm told. Whatever. It's big. Not like developing a second head big, but big nonetheless. Big enough that medical type people and Mom say, "Hm, your thyroid is large." Actually, Mom says, "Are you sure that isn't bigger than it was the last time I saw you?"

I love my mom -- duh. (Hi, Mom! I love you!) She's always made a point of not being pushy because she hates when people are pushy but she can't help commenting on my thyroid. I don't really blame her. She had cancer in hers and the disorder she had is genetic. And one of my sisters is having thyroid issues already. And Mom had cancer. If I were my mom I'd be concerned about my thyroid too.

Anyway, I went to the endo yesterday and had an ultrasound. According to the endo the left side of my thyroid "contains no normal tissue." It's all one big, fat, hairy nodule. Okay, it's not really fatty or hairy because it's a thyroid, but it's big. It's big and it's 'hypervascular.' And it's big enough and vascular enough that she wanted me back for a biopsy today. Fortunately, the right lobe of my thyroid is perfectly healthy, with minimal blood flow.

I hate biopsies, especially when they're of my own thyroid. Biopsies cause me a lot of anxiety. I only have anxiety issues when it comes to my vomiting offspring, the ex-husband and his new offspring, and my thyroid. Actually, I have anxiety over needles puncturing my thyroid. Nine needles, to be precise. Ugh.

I contemplated taking a Valium, pre-biopsy. Ultimately, I decided against it for a lot of reasons. They are as such:

A lot of my previous thyroid related anxiety was actually ex-husband anxiety. You see, when I had the last biopsies, he was cheating on me for the third time (Yup, third! That I knew of!) and I was interviewing attorneys for my inevitable divorce.
I will likely require biopsies of my thyroid for years to come so I might as well get used to it.
I was going to have to get Lance to come with me and then drive me home in case I was drunk on Valium.
I didn't want to be drunk on Valium all day.
I gave birth to 3 children virtually 100% unmedicated. What's a few needles in my neck?

So I didn't take any Valium. And I lived. I cried and I hyperventilated and I panicked. But I lived. That's the important part, right?

Now I await results. My doctor thinks she can call me tomorrow with results. I'll be hugely impressed if she can. In my previous experience, biopsy results are at least a week out. Anyway, I'm not complaining. I just want to know what I've got here. If it's cancer I might have the thing taken out next week. Even if it's not I might still have it taken out in the next month.

Whew. That's a lot of information right there. I think it's past time that I finish my wine.

Oh, yeah. The vampire thing. I appear to have two puncture wounds on my neck. This doc is so good that when she injected the lidocaine (twice) she marked the spots and took samples from the same sites. Crazy stuff, huh? But my throat is pretty beat up. It hurts to swallow and I'm swollen. Ugh.

Again

2010-08-25T20:55:00.000-06:00

Remember this? Well, we're waiting again. I saw on Facebook last night that the ex-husband's new wife was going into the hospital for an induction today. I have lots of opinions about early inductions but I really don't feel like getting into them right now. She went in at 5:00 this morning and as of 6:00 this evening she wasn't yet dilated to 4 cm. (That right there? One of the reasons I don't want to get into my anti-induction opinions. It's frustrating and not really worth it, but whatever.) Anyway, we're waiting. Again, with the kids' excitement -- big time excitement because it's a girl and Miriam has been desperate for a sister for a looong time -- and again with my ambivalence. Ugh.

Pocket Boulder

2010-08-25T20:35:00.002-06:00

Remember the post about Samuel's pocket contents? He came home today with this. That's a quarter beside it. It is so big I thought his pocket was going to rip when he took it out. Solomon teased him a la Donkey from Shrek -- "That is a nice boulder!" I don't know what to do about this so I think I'm just not going to do anything. Ha!

Photos About Town

2010-08-25T20:24:00.002-06:00

I especially love "Drill here. Drill Now. Pay Less." I don't think people understand that the companies that drill the oil still own the oil and still set the prices and are still trying to make a profit. Geography has less to do with it than most people think.

Can you see that? I know it's fuzzy and far away. Sorry about that. My biggest priority at the moment was making a left turn without needing to involve the police and my insurance company. Anyway, it says

"Ladie's Night."

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

What the heck is a 'ladie'? And what does the ladie possess that is such a big deal on Thursdays?

I just love this sign.

Flu shot gift cards. 'Cause there's really not a better way to show that you care.

It's difficult to see but the black and red sticker to the lower left side says, "Couldn't we have democracy without the bombs and torture?"

The red and yellow one says, "Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one."

Have iPhone, Will Blog ... Maybe

2010-08-25T09:56:00.003-06:00

So I tried blogging from the new phone apparatus right after I got it but it didn't work out so well. First, I couldn't get the phone to recognize that I wanted to type; the keyboard refused to pop up in the entry screen. Then I tried setting up an actual blogging application but that was a bust too. Finally, the phone decided to cooperate with typing in the entry screen but it capitalized everything. Not just the first letter of each word -- all the letters. Annoying. Now though, it seems to like this. And I do too, because otherwise I'd be sitting here in the endo's office with nothing to do, bored out of my skull because no one is on Facebook this morning. Whatever did I do with myself pre-iPhone?

Pandering to the Lowest Common Denominator

2010-08-24T11:07:00.002-06:00

I need to preface this with a disclaimer. I love to read and I wish everyone loved to read. I know that not all people do, for a lot of reasons. That's okay. I believe that if a particular series of books can get someone who doesn't usually like to read to enjoy reading, I'm all for it. A lot of these kinds of books cannot be called fine literature and that's okay. In an ideal world, we'd all love writers like Dickens and Steinbeck. We do not live in an ideal world and that's okay, too. However, there are simply books that are not, nor never will be, fine literature. Twilight is one of those. Yup, I said it.

I also need to say that I have not read Twilight (or any of the following books) and now I never will. I used to want to read them because everyone raved about them. Several people admitted that the writing is not good but that the story is good and it's entertaining. So I figured I'd get around to reading them at some point when I needed a break from something like A Brave New World or The End of Faith.

Then I saw Twilight and New Moon. I will admit that a huge part of my turn-off after watching these movies was the acting. The acting was painful, reallyreallyreally painful. However, an even bigger part of my turn-off is the idea that Bella cannot live without Edward. Her obsession with him is unhealthy, not to mention dangerous. When Edward went away and Bella's whole being shriveled up into nothingness I was horrified. No one should be that wrapped up in another person after just a few months of a relationship, especially at that age. It sets up a horrible example for teenagers to emulate. Even worse is Bella's preoccupation with putting herself in danger just so she can 'feel' Edward around her. I don't know any respectable parent who would be okay with their daughter behaving this way, no matter how much she likes a boy.

It kills me that an entire generation of kids is growing up with Bella and Edward as their heroes, their example of what is good and honorable and part of a healthy, loving relationship. It makes me want to puke. All the progress that's been made in the last few generations could be undone here. Women can't be equal to men when they start life as girls who want to be like Bella. I'll be damned if my daughter turns out this way.

I have become especially sensitive to these themes in the last few years after realizing how much of my own life has been wrapped up in unhealthy relationships. I admit that I am probably more observant of the problems in Twilight because of this but that doesn't mean that I am hypersensitive or that I am wrong; it just means that others don't notice as much as I do. It's still unhealthy and not something I'll ever teach my children is acceptable.

Take into consideration all that I just said and you'll understand my shock at seeing this while doing back-to-school shopping.

Are you kidding me? Sucking kids in by modeling major study guides after the biggest teen obsession this decade? I know you've got to appeal to kids somehow, but this? This is low. This is lower than low.

Ominous blood? Give me a break.

And, of course, the disclaimer for the book. Never mind their intent; the lawyers make them put this there so no one gets sued.

Stephanie Meyer and Brian Leaf and their ilk are on My List.

Bathtub Faucet Leak

2010-08-24T10:02:00.000-06:00

My bathtub faucet has been a little leaky since I moved into the place in late February. And by 'a little leaky' I mean that as long as I paid attention and turned it completely off it would stop dripping but if I was lax and just casually shut it off it dripped every few seconds.

That changed about 3 weeks ago. After my shower I turned off the faucet and it continued to let out a steady stream of water. This could not be called 'dripping'. No matter how hard I tried I could not get the thing completely off and the water practically poured out of it. Frustrating.

I went about my business and got ready for the day, thinking that maybe the flow would slow a bit once the pipes were drained. About 15 minutes later I went back to check and it was just like I had left it. So I put that bucket under the faucet to measure how much was coming out.

That bucket, which holds 2.5 gallons, was full in 30 minutes. I was aghast. Holy precious water wasting, Batman! It just so happens that I had to use the toilet then so instead of flushing with the flush handle I dumped my bucket of water into the toilet to flush. Look at me with my savvy water saving knowledge! I then plugged the tub with the plan of using that water to flush until the maintenance guy could come up and fix my faucet. After 10 hours the tub was full. Insane. Sadly, the maintenance guy had to drain a lot of my water to get at the faucet and fix it. But it does not leak any more!